Page 124 of At Her Pleasure
He saw something waver damn close to breaking in her expression. It almost made him ignore her demand for space, then she pulled it together, and got that hard, brittle look he remembered too well.
“She’d reached her limit. But I had, too. When Mom came home, and after we handled Cissy being picked up, I told her I’d remove the dick of the next person who touched me without my say-so. She gave me a day to grieve, to see if I’d come to my senses. When I didn’t, she said I had to bring in money, or I could get out. So I got out.”
She took a steadying breath. “Sold my body a few times, on my own terms, then found the underground fight world.” A feral smile touched her mouth. “I got beat up pretty bad the first few times, thinking I knew about fighting. Fingernails and biting were my fallbacks when I didn’t know anything else. But I learned how to move, use my brain along with my fists and feet, and started winning.”
She brought her attention back to him, easier with this part, which told him the worst was over. It wasn’t much comfort. “I worked odd jobs, some legal, some not, whatever was needed. I was too mad to have a plan. I ate at soup kitchens, took showers at the Y. Tried the gang route, but thank fuck I was smart enough to realize that was a dead end, soon enough to get out. My mom had an abruption a few years later, and died. The baby with her. You know the rest.”
Leaning forward, she touched the skeleton necklace against his skin. “Cissy always wanted to go to New Orleans. She had a Pete the Cat storybook, and liked the picture of him sitting on the lamp at Jackson Square. So when I got into the Cadillac, where to go was an easy decision.”
“I can’t believe that old beater made it that far.”
“She had a tough heart.” Cyn’s fondness for the car was obvious. “Reached the city limits before the engine started wheezing. I pulled into the nearest garage, which was attached to a used car dealership. While they were determining the estimate of what I couldn’t afford, I started talking to someone who was looking for a car. I gave them good advice and steered them to the right vehicle. The owner was watching me. He said I had a knack for sales, and before the conversation was over, I had a job. He gave me a piece of that commission, enough to rent a room, and I went from there.”
Some of that broody expression returned. “You asked me why I was vegan. People don’t think about the cow, herded up a chute, waiting to be stunned and killed, then hoisted up by her legs. They do things to keep her calm, you know, unaware of what’s happening. Because it can affect the meat.” Her lip curled. “But before that, she was eating in a pasture, hanging out with other cows. She didn't know that she was always just meat. All our siblings who were sold for whatever sick fuck's purpose? We were just meat. That's all we were.”
Cyn’s expression grew murderous. “I heard Mom say once, ‘If a person is raised a certain way, they don't know any better, don't want or need anything more. Like saying a bird in a cage doesn't know it's meant to fly. Fuck her and fuck that. Whatever created us doesn't take that away. We can find it again if we get the chance, see the path, follow it. I found it. I did.”
“Yeah. You sure did.” He anticipated her, shifting out of her way as she pushed out of the chair to pace to the other side of the fire pit. It was mostly embers now. She stopped abruptly and looked up at the sky. Her hands had remained clenched through most of the story. He wanted to open her fingers, massage her palms. Press his mouth there in comfort.
She wasn’t ready for that, but he rose and came to her side. Not touching, but close. Standing at her back.
“Cissy was so upset that night, before I went. I got impatient with her. ‘Whatever, some guy is going to stick his dick in my hole. I'm not going to let it touch me in here.’” Cyn beat on her chest. “Because of the hundred bucks and that wink, I almost felt benevolent toward him.”
She shook her head. “Pissed me off so bad with myself that two days after she killed herself, I found him, jumped him with a bat and whaled on him. No idea if he lived or not, and don't really give a shit, honestly. He was a piece of shit paying a mother for her twelve-year-old’s virginity, so you know, him being gentle and polite doesn’t really balance that out."
* * *
Cyn was coming back to herself, enough to hear the New Jersey street kid emerging in her voice. It was always there, ready to be called. Ready to infiltrate her dreams.
She took a beat, recalled her surroundings. Where and when she was. “I think about Cissy every day,” she said slowly. “I talk to her sometimes, too. She was my older sister, but as I got older, I took care of her just as much as she took care of me. Still…”
Her voice got a little unsteady, but she didn’t try to stop that. With Mick, it was okay. “I know she thought of herself as my mother. And she was, in all the ways that mattered."
She turned to face him, so he’d know she was pulling herself together. Enough to turn that feeling in the direction she’d intended all along. Toward him.
“What you said earlier, about me not knowing if something happens to you. And not wanting me to try to find you. I understand you’re protecting me. And how pointless it would be of me to try, who I could endanger, beyond myself, if I did.”
She fixed a fierce gaze on him. “But one thing you better carry with you, Mick, is that you matter to me. You are bonded to me. So if it’s possible, you damn well show up at my door again. Whether it’s in a year or ten years. When you can be present in my life, be present. I respect the vow you made me, but truly? I don’t care who you’ve been with in the meantime, whoever gives you what you need to get through. In the world you and I have been in, sex can be an act of kindness, a respite when you need it most. But your heart and soul, those are mine and mine alone. Right?”
“Yes.” His face had taken on that expressionless look, the one that those at the club found unsettling. But she understood it better now. It meant he was feeling things strong enough he had to use that look to hold it together.
“So come back to them when you’re ready. But no matter how often you come or go, they stay with me.”
A ripple disturbed that flatness. He looked down at his hands and nodded. Cyn put her hand on his arm and he covered it, squeezing, but then he eased back. She wasn’t the only one who had a hard time being touched when exposing raw wounds.
“Mick, do you ever think about stopping?” She kept her voice neutral.
“I did at one time. Not anymore. There’s this point you reach…the way I’m embedded takes years to accomplish. So who loses if I stop? How long will it take someone else to reach the level I have? I told you they haunt me, Cyn. What will they do to me if I'm no longer doing what I do?”
His gaze showed the ghosts. “I'm destroying myself with this. Tyler sees it, same as I do, and he’s been a good friend. But so what? I’m not some suit working a dead-end job, or a soccer mom not self-actualizing, or whatever buzzword psychotherapy bullshit you can slap on it. People's lives are on the line.”
His jaw hardened. “I don’t give a shit about self-care. There are things in your life where that just can’t matter. Where you find the strength to go on based solely on why you’re doing it. Not because you remember to take ten minutes of ‘me’ time, or whatever narcissistic bullshit someone wants to call it. ‘Well, gee, Mick, I really want you to take care of yourself, so don't worry about me.’
“That second girl I had to fuck? She was pulled out of a rice field, her whole world now drug addiction and servicing men in a ten-by-ten room. But hey, the most important thing is I get to live my best life. Right?”
She wanted to argue with him. But she didn't. Instead, as absurd a comparison as it was, she thought of what Ros said about TRA’s clients. What did they need? What information would help them understand why a marketing strategy would or wouldn’t work for their business to succeed?
“The wear is showing, Mick. If they tried to force you to have sex with a kidnapped girl now, could you do it?”