Page 160 of Toxic Wishes

My brows drew together, putting me in full defense mode. “Is that what you think?”

She exhaled, her tone softening. “I don’t know Colt. I don’t know what to think anymore. I just know being around you is too painful for me. It’s almost toxic to my soul. And just the thought of you with Naomi o-”

“You think I’ve been out here messing around with women?” I say, interrupting her.

“I have no idea what you've been doing because you left me. High and dry, remember. You never even contacted me after Josh gave you Blake’s CD.”

“I haven’t reached out because I told you, I can’t love you, and it’s too damn painful, Abigail. So I was trying to do the right thing and move on and let you move on.” I move closer, and she flinches, reminding me she isn’t mine anymore. “I haven’t been with a single person since I left you. Meanwhile, you’re working at a bar, where God only knows who has been trying to pull some ass after a nice tip.”

Her cheeks turn red, and I know I took it too far. Abigail isn’t a slut.

“You bastard. I am not a cheap whore that can just be bought. I’m not like any of the women you have been with.” The rage emanated from her, and she was being mean on purpose. It didn’t suit her.

“That’s not what I mean. I didn’t want you to think I went home with Naomi. I didn’t want you worrying.”

“You didn’t want me worrying or make me upset?” She lifted her arms in the air. “How do you think I felt when you shut me out of your life and took off to Arizona? Why should tonight be any different for you? You care now all of a sudden?”

I tried to defend my actions. “You know why, Blake-”

“Right, this is all about Blake,” she scoffed. “Please save me the bullshit because this is not about my history with Blake.”

“It is.”

“No, it’s not. It’s about your fear. And your inability to lose control. I mean, hell, your whole career is built on self-control and discipline. And then, after Bodie, you’ve always become the person others depend on. And it scares you. Over the summer, you became somewhat dependent on me, and instead of admitting that to yourself, you ran away. Because you think letting me in will give me some power over you. But no matter how much you try to deny it, you miss me. So instead of saying the words, you use Blake to stay in this limbo with me.”

I stare at her, speechless. She was good at making me feel that way.

“You are frozen in time, punishing yourself for Blake’s death.”

Silence filled the air. “Look, if you don’t want to be with me, you don’t need to use your dead brother as an excuse. And you sure as hell don’t need to check on me or coddle me. You can’t have it both ways, Colt.” When she started to cry, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I took her into my arms and held her so tightly. Surprisingly, she didn’t resist. All the feelings I had tried to control since I arrived in Arizona pummeled me at once. I kissed the top of her head and whispered.

“I’m so fucking sorry.”

When she looked up at me with tears in her hazel eyes, I lost all control. I wanted to lose it. Lowering my mouth to hers, a whimper left her mouth as a hungry groan escaped me as I savored her taste—my dick hardened as I yearned to be inside her again. Wrapping my hands around her cheeks, I kissed her even harder.

Fuck she’s right, I missed this. I missed us. In my mind, she was mine. We got lost in our kiss until she suddenly pulled back. Panting, we stared at each other. We’d always had difficulty resisting the physical pull between us, and tonight was no different. What she said next nearly undid me.

“It doesn’t matter how much I love you,” she said. “I’d rather never see you again than be reminded you don’t love me back. Or constantly have women shoved in my face reminding me I’ll never be good enough to be with you.” My chest constricted.

Love.

“You love me?” I mumble, but I know she heard me.

“Does it make a difference?” She asks with a shaky voice.

When I took too long to say anything back, she looked away. “I need to get some sleep. I have a big day tomorrow, and I'm meeting some of Mel’s dad’s friends. Good night, Colt,” was the last thing she said before jolting out of the booth and disappearing into the hotel.

52

Colt

“Music is the soundtrack of your life.” — Dick Clark

She left me in a daze, trying to process how I could continue to abandon someone I loved, even if she were right, and I wouldn't admit it.

But she loved me back.

I closed my eyes tight. Something had to give. Not only was I going to ruin the Super Bowl that we played in two days because my lack of focus rendered me useless to the team, but more importantly, I didn’t know how to forget about her. But could I betray my brother? That was the only question that needed to be answered. Was I willing to do that? And it’s clear it’s something that I needed to come to peace with; Abigail already has. She told me they were just friends when we first met, but in those songs he created, he mentioned her taste when he kissed her, how his toxic wishes turned into toxic kisses that tasted sweet and airy, like cotton candy. The words ring in my ears along with the melody. It was a catchy tune. But the words haunt me because I know exactly what he meant.