Page 37 of Self Studies

“Open,” she purred.

My jaw opened. I hated myself with every fiber of my being. Hot tears began streaming down my face. I didn’t want this.

“What the fuck!” Beryl’s voice made my tears come out faster.

The knife scored my lower lip as the woman abruptly stood. The heat of the man’s hand left my backside, and my skirt fell back into place.

“Beryl,” the woman said. “I mean, we would’ve….”

Before the woman could say anything else, the sound of a fist colliding with a body filled the air. I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see it.

“Fuck, what’s up your asshole?” The man spit, and his footsteps moved away from me.

Steel replaced Beryl’s usual tone. “Get the fuck out of here.”

I still didn’t move, trapped by my fear. Based on the sounds, I assumed the two helped each other up, and the pair’s footsteps vanished. I still didn’t move.

“Dot,” Beryl said.

The world began to spin. “I didn’t want it.” I said so quietly I almost didn’t hear it.

My arms trembled from holding myself up. I didn’t realize I’d been holding my breath, and I gasped in a lungful of air. “I just…I wasn’t. I’m not…”

Before I could continue, Beryl sat down heavily next to me. He pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around my frame. “I know.”

I collapsed into a heap and pressed my face into his chest. Although I didn’t want him to look at me, he coaxed my face up.

“Shit, Dot, your face.”

I hadn’t noticed the pain, but as if talking about it made it hurt, my cheek started throbbing from where the woman had slapped me. Blood dribbled down my chin. Even my wits had gone with my fear. No wonder Damon hadn’t even tried to teach me magic. I started shaking.

Next to us, Beryl’s fingers danced before his hand disappeared into thin air. An interdimensional pocket like Saffron’s appeared.

“I should have died with him.” The words were out of my mouth before I realized I’d thought them. “I keep having these moments where I think I can do this, but….”

“You can,” Beryl cut me off.

I shoved the heels of my palms into my eyes. Pain spiked in my cheek, but I didn’t care.

“Professor Garnet said I needed to find myself. But I’m not a real person. There’s no one to find. I’ve spent my life doing what I’m told.” My voice cracked. “I didn’t even run. I just waited for them to use me so it would be over faster.”

A sob racked my form.

Beryl stopped rummaging through his pocket to pull me into his chest. “You’re real, my goddess. They could’ve killed you. You did good.”

I shook. “They wouldn’t have killed me. They wanted my scales.”

Beryl’s arms went slack around me. “You’re the dragon.”

My heart sank. I didn’t want to push him away.

“I’m nothing like my soul beast,” I started blabbering. “It’s a thing under my skin. I didn’t even want it to come out.”

Beryl’s neutral face turned from me to focus on his dimensional pocket.

“I thought everyone knew,” I whispered, realizing my stream of words wasn’t going to fix this. “I destroyed an entire classroom in front of witnesses.”

I tried to wipe the blood off my lips and winced.