Page 46 of Self Studies

I turned off the screen and set down my phone, refusing to cry.

“I can make all of that go away,” Ram said calmly. He licked his thin lips. “I’m sure you’re starting to understand how all of this works—the institute’s designed to test your limits and break you. To make sure everything which could go wrong does. Your mistakes will be made here, not in the real world. The Institute has set you up to fail.”

He ran his hand up my thigh under the table. I shuddered.

“Let us help you,” he purred, leaning forward. “Let me help you. I know what you need. I know how to make you scream with pleasure, but you’ll need to earn your place. In my harem, my protection is everything you could want and more.”

My breaths started coming out shorter and shorter. Closing my eyes, I focused on staying calm. Ram’s leg attempted to trap my calves under the table in some sick parody of Beryl’s motions yesterday.

I yanked my foot away, my eyes snapping open.

Ram’s dark muddy yellow-rimmed gaze met my own. “I will be your everything,” he promised.

I shuddered and looked down. A piece of bright green blemished the white surface of my bowl. I bit my lip. It wasn’t only Ram making me uncomfortable. I didn’t want one person to be my everything ever again. As if to taunt me, Damon’s warnings echoed in my head. ‘Everyone’s out to get you. Trust no one but me.’

Everyone’s out to get you. Something clicked, and my breathing instantly calmed. “This is a test. The institute’s designed to test limits, and Advisor Crowe’s my test. To prove to the world I won’t accept a new master.”

Ram’s eyebrows pinched. “Uhh, no.”

I shook my head. “Trust no one but me,” I quoted Damon out loud. “I’m me now.”

Ram sat up straighter and cracked his neck. “Uhh, yes. You are you. Your Mêler looks like a pockmarked whore. You can trust Advisor Crowe and me to fix it.”

I studied my hands. In the last two days, I’d made a lot of questionable decisions. But they’d been my decision to make.

My fingers splayed against the table as I pressed them down to keep them from shaking. “I need to think about it.” I hated the words even as they came out of my mouth, but for some reason, I couldn’t say the word no.

“She needs to think about what, Ram?”

Beryl’s voice didn’t bring me the relief I’d hoped for. The inside of Ram’s knee slid across my leg as he sat up. I flinched at the contact and studied my soup bowl.

“Life. Love. Joining my harem,” Ram responded. His chair made a grating sound against the cold stone floor as he stood. “’Till next time, Lover.”

I didn’t look away from my bowl as Ram walked away.

Moments later, Beryl slipped an arm around my shoulders. He pulled me into his chest, and I let my tears silently fall.

“Do you want to join Ram’s harem?” Beryl asked softly.

I swatted at him with my free hand.

“Do I need to kick the shit out of him? Because I will, happily.”

I shook my head. Beryl looked like he could more than handle himself in a fight, but between Ram’s bulk and the cold glint in his eyes, I doubted he’d fight fair. I didn’t want Beryl to get hurt.

“No,” I said, blinking away my tears. “I want to experience life, good or bad. I don’t want to be in the dark again.”

Beryl pulled my hood away from my face to study me. Suddenly self-conscious, I rubbed my cheeks and tried to wipe the cold sweat my interaction with Ram left on my forehead. I didn’t want to know how bad I looked.

“I’m overwhelmed,” I added quietly.

I tugged on my braid. The pain helped remind me to breathe, to stay present.

The double foghorn blared, signaling the end of lunch and warning that the next set of classes would start soon. I began to stand, but Beryl’s hand on my shoulder stopped me. “You can talk to me, Dot.”

“Let go of her,” Saffron growled.

I’d not heard him come up to the table.