Page 71 of Self Studies

I frowned. “How do we know when it’s our turn?”

“You get a text,” Roisin explained. “Ten-minute warning-ish. If you don’t show up, that’s it for you.”

I swallowed and shoved my phone into the big pocket in my hoodie, close to my skin so that I couldn’t miss a notification. Along with my roommates, I turned my attention to the TV once more.

* * *

The Sphérique loomed in front of me. Gray clouds blanketed the bright blue sky for the first time since I’d arrived. I joined a small queue of students in front of the lockers and focused on the ground, desperate to keep my imagination from running wild. I tried to sink into my mage-trance, but it wouldn’t come. Derek’s eyes and the silent screams of every student I’d watched over the last four hours filled me with dread.

I shuffled to the front, stepping back to let the girl who went in before me stumble shakily out.

“Phone, hoodie off,” a neutral voice said.

I looked up at the black-robed figure with its hand out. Shadows filled the cowl so deeply I couldn’t make out its face.

My stomach churned unhappily.

I didn’t want to die, and I didn’t want everyone to see my hair. More importantly, I didn’t want them to see my body's sexual response to magic. I couldn’t think of a more degrading way to go than begging for sex from the thing killing you.

“Remove your hoodie, now.” The inflectionless voice said again.

A tear slipped out of my eye as I yet again unsuccessfully pulled on my braid. My breaths came out in little puffs. Drawing on strength I didn’t know I had, I tore off my hoodie and handed my phone over. I sucked in a lung full of fresh air, and threw myself through the doorway before I could lose my nerve.

The runes on the inside of the Sphérique intensified as the door shut behind me. It looked more green in person than on the TV. Shaking like a leaf, I made my way to the center of the room and knelt on the rune for ‘spirit.’

“Begin,” another voice said.

The world blurred. Suddenly I stood in my dorm room. Although dimly aware of my physical body, the black-robed figures pulled my mind into a different place. Even the tiny awareness vanished as their illusion became my reality.

I stepped toward my bare bed, waiting for something to pop out at me or attack. Nothing did. A familiar mist swirled at the edge of my vision, and my stomach sank.

As I turned, its red-eyes bored into me.

“No! They said you weren’t real,” I shouted, pressing my hands to my gut.

In a blur, the dark figure stopped directly in front of me. The haze around it swirled and condensed into something my height and my shape. Even its weird hair mimicked Roisin’s rescue job.

I started shaking, and the world spun.

A familiar hand clasped on my shadowy copy's shoulder.

“My girl, my sweet Aphrodite,” Damon said.

Fear, anger, and joy violently clashed at the sound of his voice. Part of me wanted to run into his arms, while another retched at the thought.

“It’s time for you to accept who you are.” His voice echoed around me.

My copy reached toward me.

“No!” I yelled.

I grasped for my magic, but my will slid against the shield holding it back.

“No.” Hot tears spilled onto my cheeks. “I don’t want to live by your choices anymore. I don’t want to be evil.”

My shadowy self cupped my cheek. Everything that went wrong since coming to the Institute flooded my memories. Bullying mixed with my failures and guilt. I didn’t remember falling to all fours, but the cold textured stone bit into my knees and palms. My shadow self held Alexa’s knife, slipping it between my lips.

I couldn’t move. Lust I didn’t want to feel cut through my fear. I didn’t want this.