Page 16 of Group Studies

Ashe brought my knuckles to his lips and kissed them. “I don’t want to talk about Saffron because I’m going to make sure there’s nothing to talk about. Saffron’s a fucking tool who doesn’t deserve you.”

“Ashe, you don’t understand.” I pulled my hand away, Ashe let it go. “It’s my fault.”

He scowled. “Stop that shit. It’s not your fault. You think everything’s your fucking fault. If a bug zapped itself on my light and died, you would think it was your God damned fault.”

I nodded, my eyes wide. “It would be. I’m the reason we brought the light in here.”

Ashe closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “If I could go back in time…” Ashe started before trailing off.

He cracked his neck and motioned for me to turn around. Hesitantly I did, still sorting through my feelings. His large warm hand began kneading my tense shoulders. I squeaked in surprise.

“Do you want me to stop?” he asked, lifting his hands from my skin.

I shook my head. I didn’t. I honestly wanted him to explore every bit of me. But I didn’t voice it. Ashe dug his thumbs into my muscles and knots popped like bubble wrap. I let out a sigh and leaned into him.

The room grew quiet, both of us stuck in our own thoughts.

My first walk with Ashe weeks ago, I didn’t speak. But he had. Hours went by as he told me about his brother, an MA agent, and what it was like growing up in Denver. A big city with mountains on one side and endless plains on the other. Apparently, big cities surrounded by miles of free space lent themselves to unique magical workings. The practice of fusing technology and magic exploded over the last few years. But it was extremely dangerous and most of it illegal.

Magic, used as an energy source for electricity, was volatile, and labs often exploded. I’d brushed my hand self-consciously across my socket as he launched into a story about a bust his brother took part in. Ashe told it like he was there and he loved every minute of it. It would be the understatement of the year to say Ashe’s pure faith in the MA strained the beginning of our friendship.

I opened up a little, but nothing like Ashe. He’d been my clean slate, the only person at the Institute who hadn’t seen my slutty clothing or me running through GS like a crazy person infected with magic the average mage could defend themselves from. He’d not seen the mess I’d made of my Aptitudes.

Listening to him talk about me now made me feel like an imposter in my own life. No one could be as good as Ashe described me. The Gentle Giant, like Roisin, was a good person. Who wanted me to be the same.

I let out another breath, my body finally relaxing under Ashe’s touch. I couldn’t let him follow me down the path I was on. Maybe Doctor Roy was right, I wasn’t evil, but those shades of gray were too dark around my soul to inflict on someone as genuine and kind as Ashe.

I put my hands over his. “You know why I wear these clasps, right?”

“Because you messed with people’s free will,” Ashe answered.

I swallowed. “I did.”

A tear ran down my cheek. I don’t know why I cried. That moment had been as freeing as the consequences were terrible. And that was the problem. I needed to separate myself from Ashe. Saffron should fuck me senseless. I wanted it to happen. It would remind me I didn’t deserve more.

I began to scoot away from the Gentle Giant, but he stopped me and enveloped me in another hug. One of his hands ran up my back and tilted my head.

“May I kiss you, Kitten?” He asked, gazing into my eyes.

I wanted to say yes, but I couldn’t. “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea.”

Ashe took a deep breath and kissed my forehead before releasing me. Despite my answer, I didn’t scoot away.

“What did you sign in blood?” Ashe asked.

I looked down at my clasps and tapped them with a fingernail. “I’m going to explode if I can’t find a way to siphon off my magic. I know magic’s not supposed to work like that, but it’s how it works for me. Clasps or not, I’m overflowing, and it’s physically painful.”

“And Nitis has a way for you to release the excess?” He swallowed. “Legally?”

I didn’t look up at him.

He pulled me into his chest. “Fuck.”

There were suddenly too many emotions for me. I wanted to get lost in something. Despite telling him not to kiss me, I found my hands greedily stroking the rock-hard six-pack. I dipped my fingers into his waistband.

Ashe ran his hands down my arms and captured my hands, removing them. “Stop, Kitten. Fuck, mixed signals here.”

I pulled my hands out of his and bolted to standing. Blood rushed to my head and I wobbled.