Page 34 of Catch and Cradle
Only I don’t reach for it.
I don’t do anything except stand there and stare at Hope where she’s frozen on the other side of the glass.
She has her hair up in a ponytail and headband, and she’s wearing skin-tight leggings and a tank top. My heart is going haywire, but suddenly my desperate lungs don’t even know how to take another breath.
Neither of us moves. She watches me from behind her glasses. I tighten my grip on my water bottle to keep it from sliding out of my hand.
The moment only breaks when some sound on the other side of the door makes her turn her head. I use the distraction to summon up a surge of adrenaline that lets me grab the handle and take a few steps past her.
“Becca!”
I’m frozen again by the sound of her voice. I have my back to her now, and I don’t turn around.
“Becca, you...”
My arms are clamped to my sides, and I can feel my hands starting to shake. I don’t know how I want her so much so soon, but I do.
“I...”
I try to say ‘I can’t,’ but I only manage the first word before I need to start moving again. I need to get out of here. When I’m with her, I forget every reason I shouldn’t be.
The empty halls are a blur in my peripheral view as I speed my way to the locker room and yank the door open. I’m panting again, and I’ve only just walked over to rest my forehead against the cool metal of the nearest locker when the door swings open again behind me.
“Becca, what the hell? Did you literally just run away from me?”
Hope’s whole body is tensed like she’s ready for a fight. She stalks over and stops when she’s only a couple feet away, tilting her head to let me know she expects an answer.
“I...”
“I’m not a ghost,” she says when it’s clear I can’t come up with anything else. “I’m not floating around haunting you. You don’t have to run in the other direction when you see me.”
“I’m sorry.” I have my back up against the lockers now. “That was...dumb of me. And weird. I’m sorry.”
My face heats as I say it. I really did just run away from her, like a panicking little child.
“You also don’t have to keep saying sorry. I know you...I know you regret last night. I know you wish we didn’t...I just feel stupid, okay? I feel stupid when you say sorry for it.”
She still has her shoulders set in a tight line, but her face crumples a little, just for a second.
“Hope.” I pause to take a breath after I say her name. Just the sound of it seems to shrink the distance between us. “You don’t have anything to feel stupid about. It’s not that I didn’t want to...to do that.”
It’s like we’re shy, inexperienced teenagers all of a sudden. I can’t even say the word kiss.
“So why did you leave like that after?”
Her voice is so soft now. Dangerously soft.
“Because...”
There are a million becauses. I can feel them buzzing around my head like annoying flies, but I can’t catch a single one.
“We were drinking,” I finally say. I know that really doesn’t have much to do with what happened, but it’s the easiest reason to verbalize.
It was also clearly the wrong one to pick. She flinches like I’ve slapped her.
“I’m so stupid.” Her chin trembles. “God, I feel dumb.”
She takes a step back, and I take one forward. I can’t hurt her. It hurts to hurt her.