Page 36 of Catch and Cradle
She trails off and sighs like she doesn’t want to get into things, but I just sit there waiting until she’s ready to talk again. I can tell this is something she needs to get out.
“Look, it’s just...when I realized going to school in the States and playing for a big league wasn’t going to work out, I was devastated,” she begins. “Totally devastated. I just felt empty. Even my plan to major in kinesiology was inspired by lacrosse. This sport made me feel like I had something to count on when even my own family couldn’t give me that. It’s always been more than just a fun hobby, or even a career goal. After playing for the U nineteen team, I was banking on a full ride from an American school, but all I got offered was partial funding. It wasn’t enough, and I realized I’d pinned literally every hope for my entire life on this one thing.”
I never had to worry about scholarships. My parents aren’t millionaires or anything, but there was never any question of whether they’d be able to fund undergrads for me and my siblings. If I’d really wanted to, I know they would have even been okay paying for me to go to school abroad.
They always told me they were happy to help with any dream I believed in. That’s what got me through some of my hardest dyslexia days: knowing if I worked hard enough, I had a family who could help me get anywhere I wanted to go.
I think back on all the late nights and extra tutoring I put in so I could graduate with flying colours and be accepted at every university I applied to. Then I imagine that even after all that, it still wasn’t enough for me to actually go. My chest aches for Becca.
“Then the Canadian scholarship came through,” she continues, “and I ended up here, and it was better than I could have imagined. The funding I won for the lacrosse program along with my scholarship made so much possible. It felt like we were all building something. I mean yeah, some people thought I bought my way onto the team with the funding and weren’t exactly quiet about it, but for the most part, it was like I just...fit. Like I belonged. Like I was home.”
I nod. “I know that feeling. UNS is special like that.”
“It’s the only place that’s been special for me like that.”
The crying is starting to make more sense now.
“You’re not just scared to break the rules. You’re scared to lose that.”
“Yeah,” she whispers. “I am.”
I want to wrap my arm around her again, but I force myself to stay still. “I would never try to take that away from you or jeopardize it. I’m sorry if it seemed like that’s what I was doing.”
She shakes her head, and the corner of her mouth lifts. “Now I want you to stop saying sorry. That’s not what I thought you were doing, and I played a part in it too.”
“Yeah, maybe it’s you who had the beer breath.”
It’s a bad joke, but we still laugh together.
“When did this whole no fraternizing with teammates rule start, anyway?” I ask. “Everyone always says there was drama a long time ago, but nobody has any details. It’s like an urban legend or something.”
I wait for her to laugh along with me, but she tenses up again.
“Right?” I prod when she stays silent. “Or do you have some sort of secret knowledge passed down from captain to captain?”
She shrugs and then rolls her shoulders a couple times.
“It’s just like...breakups are messy, you know? I think people always have the best intentions for how they’re going to handle stuff like that, but when shit hits the fan...”
I force a chuckle that comes out sounding strangled. “Yeah, when you put it like that, it kind of makes sense that everyone’s so intense about it. Shit does have a tendency to hit the fan during breakups. I would know.”
She leans forward so she can get a better look at my face. “That really fucked you up, didn’t it? I’m so—”
She catches herself before she says sorry again, and we both grin.
“I’ve been feeling way better about it lately,” I admit, “and I am so done with him. I think I’m just freaked that he’s gonna be back on campus. We haven’t talked since that night, and we run in the same circles. One of the girls on the team is dating his best friend. We’re bound to bump into each other at some point.”
“Do you want to talk to him?”
“Hmm.” I tap my heels on the floor tiles while I think. “Maybe there’s some sort of closure I should go for, but honestly, I think he said everything he wanted to say, and maybe it’s a waste of energy trying to say anything back.”
“Well, I can tell you with complete certainty that he doesn’t deserve a minute more of your time.”
She says it with almost as much conviction as when she talked about what lacrosse means to her. It’s stupid of me, but a lump forms in my throat when I hear her standing up for me like that.
“It’s true.”
“Thanks.”