Page 53 of Catch and Cradle

“Great! We will convey our captain home.”

Jane leads the Babe Cave crew plus Becca up the sidewalk towards home. I fall into step beside Becca, and it’s like I can feel the heat of her arm brushing mine even though we’re at least a foot apart. There has to be something I can say, some magic word I can speak to seize all the possibilities hanging like a thick, intoxicating fog in the air, but instead we just stay silent.

I can feel that fog clearing inch by inch the closer we get to her house, but I can’t find a way to step back into it. We’re losing our chance. I don’t know how I know it, but I do. Something about this night is different, and I don’t know when or if another one like it will come.

“This is my street. I’ll just say goodbye here.”

I turn to face her as makes her announcement to the whole group. Everyone spends a few minutes talking about how great the game was and saying goodbye, but I barely speak at all.

And then she’s leaving, passing in and out of the glow of the streetlights as she gets farther and farther away from me. Part of me has enough sense left to realize how weird I look standing here staring after her, so I pull it together enough to follow my housemates as they head for our street.

“You all right, Hope?” Jane asks when we’re in sight of the Babe Cave. Paulina and Iz are up ahead, singing the chorus of ‘Wild Thoughts’ and doing weird vocal impersonations of the guitar solo.

“Oh, yeah, just tired.”

She gives me a shrewd look. “You sure about that?”

“And maybe I ate too much pizza?”

She chuckles. “How are you feeling about Ethan?”

I shrug. “Honestly? I’m pretty done feeling anything about Ethan. I’ve been doing better and better about it all ever since I sent in the internship application, and winning the game helped too. I didn’t realize how much I needed to say what I said to him today, but now it’s over. He’s just a guy who said some shitty things to me. I don’t have to let that define me anymore.”

She slings her arm over my shoulder. “That makes me very, very happy to hear.”

We catch up with Iz and Paulina at the house, and everyone declares they’re ready for bed as soon as we’ve kicked our shoes off. I trudge up the creaky staircase and into my room. My bed squeaks when I flop down on the mattress and shimmy out of my shorts.

I can still see Becca walking away from me up the dark street every time I close my eyes.

I toss my glasses onto the bedspread and rub my temples. I only have my desk lamp on, and the dim glow reminds me of the night we kissed. She was lying right here on this bed with me. I can feel the ghost of her fingers gripping my hip.

A shiver runs through me. I can feel her everywhere. I lay there for so long the sounds of my roommates trudging in and out of the bathroom fade into the silence of sleep. I can’t stop thinking about Becca’s hands.

I let out a shaky breath as I skate my own hands up the sides of my body. I hook my thumbs under the hem of my lacrosse crewneck and pull it up over my bra. Heat builds between my legs as I imagine her standing over me. Watching me. Wanting me.

I slide my hands under the cups of my bra and flick my thumbs over my nipples. Goose bumps break out all over my skin as I gasp.

I have to have her. I don’t want to lie here imagining like I have for years, not when the real thing is just a couple streets away.

Not when she might want me just as bad.

I sit up and slide my glasses back on before hunting around for some joggers and a hoodie. Once I’m dressed, I open my door a crack and see both Paulina and Iz’s bedroom doors are shut with no sign of lights on behind them. I hold my breath the whole way down the staircase, keeping to the edge to minimize the creaking. I can smell the lingering traces of some flowery candle in the living room, but Jane’s door is closed with the lights off too.

I slip my Keds on, trying to brainstorm some excuse to use if Jane happens to catch me, but I’m too filled with adrenaline to think straight. I step out into the chilly night and pull the front door closed as softly as I can behind me. I hover on the front step for a minute afterwards, straining to hear any sounds of movement in the house, but it stays quiet.

My breathing gets faster and faster as I speed-walk up the street. I don’t even know what my plan is. I just have to get to her.

By the time the big tree in her yard comes into view, I’m wishing I wore a heavier sweater. The days are still warm, but autumn is definitely here at night. I run my hands up and down my arms as I step onto the path that leads to the house’s old-fashioned glass panel front door.

When I glance up, I see the light in her room is still on. I remember which window she pointed out last time I was here. The lacy curtains are a softer, frillier choice than I would have expected for her.

Something in me calms at the sight. My breath slows. My head clears.

I just want to be near her. Everything feels better when I’m near her.

I pause when I reach the doorstep. I have no idea which of the several doorbells is for her unit, and I don’t want to be the person who wakes the whole house up at midnight.

I walk back into the middle of the yard and take my phone out of my hoodie’s pocket. I pull Becca’s number up in my contacts and bring the phone to my ear as it starts to ring.