Page 79 of Catch and Cradle

“Could someone shut that off?” I snap.

The Ben Howard song is still playing in the background. Paulina reaches for her phone, and silence pushes its way in the overcrowded, sweltering kitchen.

“So if you do—” Paulina tries to continue, but I cut her off.

“Fine. Yes. I do. I wanted to tell you when I was ready, but I guess we’re past that. Becca and I have a thing.”

They all look at each other again, and I press my arms even harder over my stomach.

“I really want you to know we don’t have a problem with that,” Jane says after a moment of strained silence. “Just like Paulina said, you don’t decide who you have feelings for, and we support you. I really don’t want you to think we’re trying to, like, undermine your happiness, Hope. You have to know that.”

I just stare at her, waiting for the rest. She takes a deep breath in.

“Has Becca...told you about her past?”

“What past?”

I really wish they would all stop looking at each other like that.

“About...the team?” Jane prompts.

Again, I just stand there. Again, she breathes in like she’s gearing herself up to deal a death blow.

“Okay, so you know Kelsey?”

I nod. She’s one of the older players on the team—and one of the girls I thought I heard in the locker room that day. A chill creeps up my spine, making the dampness on the back of my neck feel like it’s turned to ice.

“So, the other day when you were at the library, the three of us were hanging out on the stoop, and she happened to walk by on her way home from campus. We asked her to join us, and we all talked for a while. Then she said she had a question for us and that we didn’t have to answer since it wasn’t really her business. She said some people on the team have been talking, and...she wanted to know if we thought you might be involved with Becca.”

I lean against the table as the nausea flipping my stomach gets worse and worse.

“We wouldn’t have said anything even if we did know,” Jane rushes to add. “I told her no, and she made some weird comment about thinking history was repeating itself. We...we asked her what she meant.”

The conversation in the locker room echoes back to me—the conversation I wrote off as a misunderstanding on my part.

“What did she say?” I sound calm. Too calm. My voice is somehow the only part of me not on the verge of shaking. My words are flat and hollow.

“We’ve all heard that people on the team dating each other has caused drama in the past. I always thought it was, like, the distant past,” Jane continues, voicing what I’ve thought myself since freshman year. “Kelsey was surprised we didn’t know. I guess just the year before we started at UNS, Becca...She started dating a girl on the team. It got ugly. Kelsey said most people were on Becca’s side, even after...after what happened, but it still tore the team up pretty bad. A lot of people left. It didn’t help that there were some people who thought Becca was unfairly guaranteed a spot on the team because of that big donation for the program she got with her scholarship.”

Becca’s mentioned that last part to me, at least. It’s still crazy to me that there are people who’ve questioned whether or not she’s here because of her talent. She was freaking scouted by American schools, for fuck’s sake. She’s a powerhouse on the field.

I hold onto that thought—of Becca running up the field with her thick, red braid streaming behind her, of the way I’m always the first person she looks at after we score a goal.

I need something to hold onto.

“Becca had this friend on the team. Kala.”

“Wait, what?” My eyes flare wide as my brain starts doing rapid calculations and playbacks.

She never mentioned Kala being on the team. She’s brought her up a few times during our texting, but she’s never said that. I would have remembered.

“Yeah.” Jane’s eyes search my face, her forehead creased with concern. “This girl, Kala, was Becca’s friend from high school, and Becca’s girlfriend was always really jealous of that. I guess they, like, had a thing in high school, and the girlfriend couldn’t accept they went back to being just friends. Kelsey said she went a little nuts getting all suspicious.”

“Wait.” I’m still getting past the second sentence. “Wait, wait, wait. Becca dated Kala? Kala is her ex?”

Kala—the girl I’m supposed to meet and hang out with tomorrow.

Just how many fucking people aren’t telling me things lately?