Page 89 of Catch and Cradle
Until Thanksgiving, when she was silent.
About Kala.
“When we came to UNS, Becca fell hard and fast for this older girl on the team, Lisa. At first it was sweet, and I was happy for her, but it got ugly fast. All that loyalty Becca has, all those worries about holding onto the people she cares about...Lisa just seemed to know how to use it against her. She used me against her. It’s taken me a while to realize just how hard Lisa was trying to pit us against each other. At the time, I thought Becca was pulling away from me, but really, she was getting pulled in half.”
Kala’s getting more and more worked up as she speaks. Her wig has slipped a little, and her lopsided hairline would be funny if the conversation weren’t so serious.
I know what it’s like to have your insecurities thrown in your face by someone you care about. Ethan did it to me in front of the whole team, and I’m starting to realize Becca must have gone through pretty much the same thing.
“Becca may have messed up by waiting so long to tell Lisa about our history, but Lisa did some totally unacceptable things when she found out. She stole pictures out of Becca’s room. She hung around her house just to see if she was home. She got...scary. I didn’t even see it for what it was at the time. I was...I was having a pretty bad year myself.” She goes quiet for a few seconds, staring down at her hands in her lap. “Even with everything she had going on, Becca still supported me. At the time, I thought she was leaving me behind, but now I see she was just doing the best she could under the circumstances.”
I nod, waiting for her to go on. This sounds like the Becca I know. I’m not even sure what to trust at this point, but I want to trust this. It feels right.
“I was...kind of a mess in first year.” Kala’s voice is lower now, laced with a distant pain. “My family is pretty strict and conservative, and being away at college just made me feel so torn between who I am and who they want me to be. There was so much pressure coming from every direction—to get good grades, to succeed on the team, to fit in on campus, to be cool and have a social life, to start dating, to not date, to somehow find myself the middle all that...One night I was sitting in my dorm studying, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I needed to get out of my head.”
She scoffs at herself and lets out a dark chuckle. I’m trying to decide if I should reach over and give her hand a squeeze. There’s an ominous flatness in her voice that has my heart speeding up, waiting for the rest.
“So I ended up outside the dorm of this guy I knew had a crush on me. We had sex. Once. It was my first time having sex with anyone. I’m not even sure I liked it. I definitely didn’t do it for the right reasons, and...a few weeks later, there it was on the pregnancy test.”
“Oh, Kala.” Now I do reach over and take her hand, just for a second. She squeezes me back before I let go.
“Becca was the one who talked me out of blaming myself. Becca was the one who sat with me while I cried for weeks. Becca was the one who talked all the options through with me, and Becca was the one who went with me to the clinic. I couldn’t have done it without her. Even though our friendship hadn’t been going so great, she dropped everything for me. I didn’t want to be alone after, so we went to her place...and there was Lisa, waiting to ask us why Becca wasn’t at the library like she said.”
I can’t hold back a gasp as it all clicks into place. Kala gives me a knowing look and nods.
“Yeah, that was the day. The infamous day. I’d already made Becca swear not to tell anyone. Lisa was the last person on earth I wanted hearing about it, and it fucking sucked to have that turned into a problem. Just getting an abortion made me feel so guilty I hated myself, and now suddenly it was also breaking up my best friend’s relationship and our entire fucking lacrosse team. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Becca. I was furious at Lisa. Then things just built and built until everything...exploded. We lost the league qualifiers. Half the team left. I left. Becca and I’s friendship almost didn’t survive.”
“Oh my god,” I whisper.
I had no idea things were that bad. Kala just sits there nodding for a few moments before she speaks again.
“I want you to know I’m not telling you this because I feel obligated. I don’t owe anyone this story, but...I’ve done a lot of work to stop feeling guilty about my choices. I don’t hate myself. I don’t feel so ashamed that I want to lock it all up and pretend it didn’t happen anymore. As much as Becca probably needs you to hear this, I need to say it just as much. What I went through wasn’t the problem then, and it isn’t the problem now. Telling you all this helps me believe that, and I hope...I hope it helps you believe some stuff too—namely that Becca really cares about you and was never trying to hurt you. She just didn’t want any of that to happen again.”
At first, I don’t have words. My heart is hammering against my chest like it’s trying to break free of my ribcage so it can go find Becca right now, but the rest of me stays motionless in my chair.
“I know she still made some mistakes,” Kala adds. “I just...I overheard some of your conversation that night, and I’ve been wanting to talk to you ever since. You mean a lot to her.”
She means a lot to me.
I’m still hurt. I’m still frustrated. There’s still a lot I need to hear from Becca herself, but I’m ready to hear it now. I’m ready to believe she wasn’t trying to hurt me.
I’ve become so ready to assume people want to hurt me: Becca, my roommates, the team. It’s like I swung from naive to hyper-vigilant when what I really needed was to land somewhere in the middle. I don’t want to be the kind of person who questions my friends’ motives all the time. I don’t want to be skeptical of love, in any shape or form.
“Thank you,” I say after a moment. “Thanks for telling me that.”
“Thanks for listening.”
A shiver runs through my body, and Kala rubs hers hands along her bare arms. I was so caught up in the conversation I forgot about the cold, but now I can’t ignore my goose bumps and chattering teeth.
“You want to head inside?” Kala asks.
“I think we better.”
I stand up, and Kala goes to do the same, but the inner tube is so low to the ground she only raises herself a few inches before falling back inside. We both burst out laughing, letting all the tension drain from the moment as we clutch our stomachs and make everyone in the yard turn to stare at the noise we’re making. I get myself under control enough to help pull her up, and we walk into the party side by side.
Daenerys Targaryen and Leonardo the Ninja Turtle: an unlikely alliance, but an alliance nonetheless.
“Those are my friends!” I shout over the noise when I spot the three of them in the crowd. “Come dance with us!”