Page 68 of Blood Match
“Yeah. Right. Because I’ll always need your help.” God, I sound bitter.
“You know that’s not what I mean. I just…” Her throat works. “This is important. If we could just try again, maybe with a little more power—”
“Gran has more power than ten witches. I’m pretty sure she would have made up for my inadequacy.” There’s that bitterness again. But we have to face facts. I am what I am.
Or maybe I’m something more now.
Quit it, Rowan.
I’m grasping at straws. I can’t cling to a fantasy about absorbing some kind of superpower from a vampire…or whatever is happening between us.
“Come on, let’s give it a try. What harm could it do?” Kara won’t let up. “It’s for Mia, Ro. Why won’t you just do it?”
“I’d be letting you all down, that’s why,” I mutter, my grip tightening on my mug. “I’ll be a disappointment to you…yet again.” And to myself. I shake my head, feeling the familiar burden of defeat settling on me.
“You’re never a disappointment to us, Rowan. We love you.” My sister’s expression is earnest. But I can’t bring myself to believe it.
I grit my teeth. There those words are: “us” and “we.” A constant reminder of the division between me and my family – because I’m not a part of the “us” and “we” my sister is talking about. There’s them and me.
“You’d be wasting your time, Kara.” I scowl into my cup. “You’d get your hopes up, plow your energy into building up this so-called magic of mine, only for me to let you down when we try yet again to find her. I’m a failure. Let’s just accept it and move along.”
With an exasperated huff, Kara sets her half-empty mug down and stands abruptly.
“That’s bullshit, and you know it!” she snaps, glaring at me. I blink in surprise. “You know what? I’ve had enough of this crap. You’ve spent your whole life feeling sorry for yourself because you think your magic isn’t as strong as the rest of the family’s. Personally, I don’t think it’s not strong; I think it’s just different. But we’ll never know, will we? Because you’re too much of a coward to find out.”
My mouth drops open. I don’t know what to say.
“There has never been a moment when we’ve loved you any less because of your magic,” she goes on, her eyes flashing. “Yet still, you choose to wallow in self-pity. Well, this time, it’s not about you, dammit. This time, it’s about Mia.”
“Kara, I—”
She raises a hand to stop me. “Don’t! Just don’t. I can’t listen to another ‘poor me, I can’t do it’ line from you. You can do it. You know you can. You’re just choosing not to. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.” She stomps her foot and then starts marching toward the front door. She stops as she reaches it, one hand on the doorknob. “Rowan, you’re my sister, and I love you with all my heart. I always will. But right now, I’m really, really mad at you.” She flings the door open. “Make the right choice, Ro. Do it,” she throws over her shoulder before slamming the door shut behind her.
I stare speechlessly, my eyes prickling. I don’t think my sister has ever spoken to me that way before. In fact, I know she hasn’t.
Silence descends like a blanket of recriminations. And it’s heavy.
Is that what they think? That I’m selfish? That I don’t want to try?
A tear burns as it breaks past the boundary of my lashes. I dash it away.
Self-pity?
Do they really believe that? Worse yet, is that what I’ve been doing?
Maybe you have…
I swallow down the lump in my throat, refusing to give in to the wave of misery that’s threatening to wash over me. Because that would just prove Kara’s point.
Wallowing in self-pity…
No! That’s not what I’m doing. Maybe she’s right when she says I’ve done it in the past. But then again, maybe she’s not. Maybe I simply hate seeing the disappointment on their faces, knowing that I did that to them.
You don’t have to be a disappointment, Rowan.
There’s an alternative.
I rub my fingertips together, feeling a ghost of the energy I’d felt last night. Or maybe it’s my imagination. But I know I didn’t imagine what happened.