Page 10 of Her Dirty Secret
When we get to the house where we’ll be staying, I’m shown to a tiny room with one bed. At least I get my own room. I’m not left alone long when there’s a knock on my door.
“Come in,” I call.
Alessandro’s lean frame appears in the door.
“We’re leaving for dinner shortly, but I’d like if we could talk,” he says quietly.
I gesture widely for him to go on. He enters, closing the door gently behind him, then settles next to me on the bed.
“Valentina and I have been together in that way, though many years ago,” he admits bluntly. I cross my arms over my chest and look away. He sighs deeply. “But that’s not what I’m here for.”
“I’m an idiot,” I say, laughing. “Do whatever you want, Alessandro. Fuck her silly if that’s what you really want. That’s what we’re both about, right? Being spontaneous. Doing whoever and whatever we want.” For the first time I admit to myself that the feeling I’d had when I saw them greeting each other, saw her obvious interest in him, was jealousy. I’m nothing to him, I know. And the short time we’ve had to get to know each other has barely made us friends. But I guess I didn’t realize how one-sided the attraction between us is.
“It’s not what I want,” he says simply. “Now let’s just go to dinner. Once we’ve had something to eat, we can come back here and sleep, and by tomorrow most of the jet lag will have passed, and we’ll both be thinking more clearly.”
I turn my head back to look at him. “What aren’t you thinking clearly about?”
He looks hesitant. “Honestly? I may have made a mistake. I feel like…” he trails off, clearly unsure of how to say whatever it is he’s trying to say, “…you’re in a place of transition. And I don’t want to take advantage of that.”
I shake my head, furious, climbing off the end of the bed to avoid having to go directly around him. “I’m not a fucking kid,” I retort. “I’m a grown woman, here of her own volition. But maybe I’m just a kid to you.”
I consider that. How would I feel about dating a man as many years younger than me than I am younger than him? But the distance between eighteen and twenty-eight is so much more than twenty-eight to thirty-eight.
“I know you’re not,” he says before I can make it to the door. “Believe me, I know it.” I spin around to see him staring at me. Really staring at me, as if he’s trying to undress me with his eyes. “But maybe I’m not in the best headspace right now, either.” The look on his face is so pained, so raw, it pains me too. And again, I’m reminded that we’re probably more alike in some ways than I’d care to admit.
I tilt my head back and laugh toward the low ceiling. “You know what I usually do when I feel that way?” I ask. “I fuck someone I couldn’t give a shit about. Just to feel something besides what I don’t want to feel.”
“I did that for a long time,” he says. “It never worked out well.”
I tip my head back down and look at him. “Well, then I guess there’s always booze,” I reply with a wobble in my voice.
He laughs, and rises from the bed, stopping in front of me. “Yes, there’s always booze,” he agrees. His hands rest on my shoulders, skimming down my arms, then back up until his hands settle on either side of my face. “But when I fuck you, Cara Mia, it will be because we both know it’s right. Not because we can’t stand thinking about what’s wrong.”
My stomach flips at the implication. Maybe it wasn’t as one-sided as I thought.
“What about kissing me?” I ask, looking up at him defiantly.
“You just won’t take no for an answer, will you?” he asks with a smile.
“No more than you would,” I point out.
He runs a finger down my cheek. “You have a fire in you,” he murmurs. “I know what that feels like. But there’s no rush.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. What if the world ends tomorrow and all we have is right now?” I say, half teasing, half wondering what his holdup is.
He shakes his head. “It’s still not our time.”
“What if I’ve got nothing to offer but right now?”
Alessandro looks at me sadly. “Do you really believe that?” He strokes my cheek with his thumb. “You have fire, you have strength, and you have everything to give. Don’t ever sell yourself short for anyone. Especially not me.” And with that he pulls away.
I want to argue. I want to convince him to kiss me, to take me, here, now. To live in the moment with me. I can’t explain to him that I’m not selling myself short, I’ve just never been one to think about anything beyond today.
“Why did you bring me here?” I ask, closing my eyes.
I feel his hands slide into mine, and he pulls me to him, letting go so he can wrap his arms around me. It feels too good not to hold him too, so I wrap my arms under his and rest my head against his chest. The steady beat calms me.
“I don’t know, I didn’t think too much about it,” he murmurs into my hair. “It just felt right.”