Page 9 of These Deadly Dreams
“Be careful, please.”
Cade motions for Kai, but before he leaves, Kai kneels in front of me. His eyes are sparkling like the darkest ruby. He grabs the back of my head and kisses me with a fierce kind of possession, like he wants to swallow my soul.
I kiss him back, just as fiercely. “I love you, Kai.”
At my words, the red in his eyes fades a bit, a tiny rim of gray returning to his irises. He rests his forehead against mine and inhales.
“I love you, too. Don’t leave this room. Stay with Sterling no matter what. Don’t let my dad anywhere near you.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Satisfied, he stands and follows Cade out of the library.
4. Sterling
I can’t help but look at her. My mate. I never thought I’d get the chance to get to know her, yet here we are. Sitting in the same room but not talking, all because my idiot self was too scared and too selfish to come clean with the truth. I’ll never forgive myself for that.
She’s fucking beautiful. I want to bury my hand in her hair again and feel her curls tickle my skin. I want her amber eyes to shine with happiness when she looks at me. I want her secret smiles and soft touches. I want to know her thoroughly and completely.
She’s been reading that book since I walked in. It’s like she’ll do anything to avoid me. Fuck. Watching her with Cade and Kai is pure torture. Seeing her face light up in their presence, watching them touch her and kiss her, it stirs angry jealousy in my chest. I don’t deserve those looks she gives them. I don’t deserve to even sit here in her presence.
I turn my attention back to my phone and continue my search. I’ve been trying to find as much information on harpies as I can. It’s hard to discern truth from fiction on the internet though. While our visit to Allie’s aunts was informative, we still haven’t figured out why or how Ellis is bonded to the three of us, or why she seems to be able to use Cade’s magic.
Like she’s a magnet though, my eyes don’t stay on my phone screen long before straying back to my mate. My fucking mate. Being in her presence and not touching her, not claiming her, is almost impossible.There is a constant itch under my skin, an urge my wolf needs to act on.
I shake myself and return to my phone. A couple minutes later, Ellis exhales heavily and drops the book to her lap.
“I’m bored,” she claims.
I set my phone down and look at her. When her gaze meets mine, that tug in my middle, the urge to claim her, intensifies. I don’t say anything though. This conversation that needs to happen between us has to come from her first. I won’t push it on her if she doesn’t want to talk about it.
She sighs as if she is reading my thoughts, and sets the book on the coffee table. With her legs curled under her, she lifts the blanket higher, using it like a shield. “Guess this is the perfect time to talk, huh?” she asks.
“If you want to, yeah.”
She studies me for a minute before asking, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I knew this question would arise, but it doesn’t mean I’m prepared for it. I rub my face before answering. “I really don’t have a good answer to that question. At least, not one that justifies what I did. I was scared, honestly. I was so scared I would tell you and you would never look at me again. The thought of losing you before I ever even had you was crippling.” Just thinking about it now makes me nauseous. I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees. “As soon as I found out I had a mate, I knew I had to hide it. I knew it would be too dangerous to ever make it known, especially since Noah wanted you dead. I had accepted the fact I would never know my mate, never get to hold her or be part of her life. I accepted the fact you would never even know I existed.”
I swallow thickly. The emotions I’m feeling are too much for me. I have a hard time dealing with them, but for her, I’ll face them all. All the fear and heartache. The desperation and overwhelming desire.
“When Kai suggested he compete in the contest, I knew it was a bad idea. I knew I’d never be able to stay away from you. But there was no good reason to talk him out of it. You waltzed into my life, Ellis, and everything I had accepted as being impossible was happening. You were talking to me. You were looking at me. You wanted me. It’s why I was always gone. I couldn’t stand being around you and not claiming you.”
I look away from her piercing stare. Shame and regret, riding me hard.
“I almost told you so many times, but each time I decided I would come clean, you would smile at me or look at me with those beautiful eyes and I’d crumple. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was selfish. I didn’t want to lose those looks. I didn’t know if I could go back to knowing I had a mate and not being able to be with her. Especially after getting to know you. I was selfish and afraid, so I kept it to myself.”
“You know, while it hurts that you didn’t tell me and I had to find out from someone else, the thing that hurts worse is knowing that I shared my body with you.”
Tears shine in her eyes, and it’s like a punch to the gut, physically making me double over.
“It wasn’t easy for me to do that, you know. After Sa … after Sam … I didn’t think I would ever want that again. You three took the fear away, but it was hard to get out of my head and remind myself that you guys aren’t him. I had to convince myself you guys wouldn’t hurt me. And I honestly thought you wouldn’t.”
Her last words are whispered, and as she says them, the tears spill over and track down her cheeks. I squeeze my eyes shut, the sight of her tears undoing me. It never even crossed my mind that what I did to her would remind her of her past.
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Ellis. I didn’t want to cross that line with you. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t fight it anymore. My wolf and the bond, all of it kept pushing me forward until I just snapped. I regret it, Ellis. I regret all of it.”
She wipes her tears and sniffles, and I want so badly to go to her. To comfort her and take her pain away—pain that I caused her. Gods dammit. I’m such a fucking idiot. I get a chance to be with my mate and I throw it away. The question I’m dying to ask but too scared to hear the answer to, slips out before I can stop it.