Page 38 of Renegade Kings

Chapter 16

Alyssa

The room had grown suspiciously quiet, and it took me a moment to realise it was because I was alone. I remembered vaguely the suggestion of going to see if they could find Rhidian and something about shifting tonight. That should be where my mind was right now. It was an immediate need, and the guys were about to go through something big. I should be supporting them. But I couldn’t tear my gaze away from my name written in my father’s looping handwriting.

My fingers grazed the paper as I tried to delay the inevitable. I didn’t even know why it hurt so much. This was a message I’d longed for, the final goodbye we’d never got to have. But now that it was here, I didn’t know if I could face it. I was afraid of what I was about to find.

The hand that grasped my shoulder startled me. I could have sworn they’d all left me alone to read the letter in private. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Ryder smiling down at me.

“Need some company?”

I nodded, realising that it wasn’t about trying to hide the fact that I was about to fall apart from them. I wanted the closeness of someone to lean against, someone to take the burden if it became too much for me, and I wasn’t even afraid to admit it anymore.

There was strength in letting yourself be weak. Holding it all together on your own was exhausting, and having someone who could help hold up that burden wasn’t failing. It was growing, evolving, creating a life that was actually worth living.

“You don’t have to do this now, you know? If you’re not ready, you can wait,” Ryder told me as he moved around the chair to duck down in front of me.

I knew what he was trying to do, and I appreciated that he cared enough to try to take the pressure off me. But he was wrong. It needed to be done. The one thing we didn’t have was information, and without it, we were at a distinct disadvantage, not knowing who we were supposed to be protecting ourselves from. We all needed the answers this letter could hold, not just me.

“It’s okay. I need to do this. There’s no point putting it off.”

Ryder’s head cocked to the side as I spoke, and then he took my hand, pulling me out of the seat as he stood. Dropping into the chair I’d vacated, Ryder pulled me down into his lap, wrapping his arms around me as he pulled me back to rest my head against his shoulder.

“If you’re not ready to read this, you’re not putting it off, Alyssa. You’re preparing yourself for something you know might hurt you and there’s no shame in that,” he told me softly. I could feel his lips moving against my hair from where he’d tipped his head to lie against mine.

“But we need to know what it says. We need to know if everything here is what it seems to be. He hid this for a reason, but he had to know I’d be back here searching for answers at some point.”

Right now, I had this vision of a loving family in my head. The memories of my parents and the life we had here were all I had left. They were the only things I could turn to when the memories of what happened got too strong to ignore. And I couldn’t lose them. I couldn’t learn it was all a lie. I wouldn’t survive it, and I didn’t know if I even wanted to. That scared me more than what could be written on these pages.

“If you’re sure you want to do this, I’ve got you,” Ryder told me. His arms squeezed me tighter, as if to confirm the point. “We do it together. Like everything else. You’ll always have me at your side if you need me there, Alyssa.”

I peered up at the man who was so intent on taking care of everyone around him. He thought we didn’t see it, and I knew Ryder well enough by now to know that he didn’t even think it was something worth praising. He was content to wrap himself in layers of humour, pretending that he didn’t give the group something it so desperately needed. And through it all, I couldn’t help but wonder who was looking after him before vowing to myself that it would always be me.

Without a word, I unfolded the paper, revealing the writing hidden inside. Even though I’d seen my name on the front, it still brought a tear to my eye to see a page of my father’s handwriting. This was the closest I’d ever be to him now.

Taking a deep breath, and hoping it came with an ounce of courage, I started to read aloud.

My dear sweet Alyssandra,

I had hoped you would never need to read this letter, but here we are. The solstice has begun and the pieces are already moving into place. It won’t be long now. And as much as it pains me to know what you’re about to go through, I at least have the solace of holding on to the fact that you will survive.

I don’t even know how to say the things that need to be said. Even putting it down on paper is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do and, to be honest, I’ve put off writing this letter for far too long. But time is one thing we’re never given enough of. Centuries of being your father would never have been enough, my sweet girl. It has been my greatest honour to watch you grow into the woman you’ve become. I only wish I could have stood by your side throughout it all.

Your mother and I were never lucky enough to conceive a child. Nymeria had a different fate in store for us, but when you were put into my arms and I held you for the very first time, I knew immediately that you were always supposed to be ours. Our sweet, beautiful miracle. A gift from Nymeria herself.

You are special, Alyssandra, and I don’t want you to ever doubt that. Fate has not laid an easy path for you, but remember that it is still yours to command. Prophecies are nothing but words, my sweet child, so ignore them. Nymeria has always been about intention. It’s how we’re taught to form our magic, and it is how we taught you to live your life. Be vibrant, be bold, and be courageous. I know you have great things inside you, and your story won’t end before you choose it to. Yours is a long and winding path and I wish I could be there to walk it with you. We should have prepared you more. We should have told you earlier. There are a million things we should have done, but we had to keep you hidden, keep you safe until the time came for you to walk the rest of this path alone.

Trust yourself, Alyssa. Trust your magic, and most of all, trust your mates. Bonds are meant to make us stronger. Lean into them. Don’t listen to the ill-informed superstitions of others. Forge a path to greatness and save the realm. Save the ones we couldn’t and forgive us for keeping you in the shadows when you were always supposed to rule in the light.

Your ever loving father.

I turned the paper over, and finding nothing on the back, looked at Ryder instead. This couldn’t be it. It didn’t give us any of the answers we were looking for.

“He loved you,” Ryder finally said. “He loved you so much, he didn’t want you to have to face this alone.”

It was enough to make me want to cry, but there was something about what Ryder had said that had me turning back to the letter instead.

Trust your mates.