Page 40 of Renegade Kings

“How am I supposed to get over all of this? The lies, the betrayal, the massive sense of responsibility that I’m not prepared for and have absolutely no idea how to handle? I don’t even know who I am anymore. Queen? I guess there was a time when I’d thought it would happen one day, but that was lifetimes ago. I don’t even know who my people are, let alone how I’m supposed to protect them. I just feel so… broken.”

It was a fact that I hadn’t ever wanted to admit to myself, but it was a feeling I was more than familiar with. I’d spent decades in the human realm with this hanging over me. All I did was ignore it. Pretending the life I’d built around me was enough that I wasn’t struggling to get through the day with the guilt of abandoning those who’d needed me. And now here I was with the responsibilities I’d so utterly failed, staring me in the face, and all I could think about was the four men who meant the world to me. I was failing them again. I was running in a completely different way and I didn’t even know if I was ashamed of it this time. Some queen I’d turned out to be.

Ryder’s hands came to my shoulders, and he gently turned me around before he backed me against the door. His gaze locked with mine and there was nothing but understanding in his eyes. That, more than anything else that I was feeling, was what brought the tears to my eyes.

“No one expects you to be perfect, Alyssa. This is a totally new reality for you, and you’ll always have me at your side to help you navigate through it. You’re allowed to be confused. You’re allowed to be pissed. You didn’t ask for this and yet it’s yours, anyway. The four of us are going to do whatever we can to get you through it. You realise you’re not getting rid of us now, right? You’re ours, and nothing is getting between that.”

For once in my life, I listened, and I accepted the things he was trying to say to me. The weight on my shoulders finally started to lift and even though we faced nothing but danger, I could see a future I actually wanted to embrace for once.

Chapter 17

Ryder

My feet shuffled in the long grass as I anxiously waited for the moon to rise. I could feel a difference inside myself. It wasn’t only my agitation that thrummed through my body.

I’d been completely honest with Alyssa earlier. I was so fucking excited about what was going to happen next. This was how I’d get stronger. This was how I’d get my brother back.

“The most important thing is to relax. Don’t fight the shift. Let your animal rise up and take control. It’s going to hurt, but if you try to pull back, you risk damaging your connection. Trust your animal, they know what to do,” Tank cautioned us.

I didn’t think any of us were really listening. There was a tension in the air and it came from the group of shifters preparing to be free for the first time in their lives.

My gaze moved to where Alyssa stood on the lake shore. Her eyes were closed as she tipped her face into the wind, her long blonde hair flowed behind her in a picture of serenity. I knew it couldn’t be further from the truth, though. She’d been the most anxious out of the lot of us throughout the entire day. Even now, I knew she was scanning the area for danger. It took me a while to figure out what the cool sensation was that brushed against my skin. And then I realised it was Alyssa—it was her magic.

I’d been worried about her earlier. I could see the stress in her eyes as she’d read the letter from her father. The way she was doubting herself.

But how could she ever think she was broken?

Alyssa was the strongest person I’d ever met. I’d experienced loss, and I’d seen others have to struggle through it too. It was inevitable in the world we lived in. But what she’d gone through shadowed anything I’d ever seen and she was still here, still fighting and still prepared to stand up for what was right even though it scared the shit out of her.

I just wish there was some way I could convince her she didn’t have to be strong all the time. She could lean on us when she needed to, and we’d take the burden off her shoulders if it became too much.

As my head filled with thoughts of Alyssa, the wolf inside me surged to the front of my mind. It came so suddenly that I physically lurched forward at the sensation, collapsing to the ground on my hands and knees.

“What the fuck?” I muttered as a wave of nausea swept over me.

“This is it,” Tank said grimly, and my gaze moved to the full moon hanging heavy in the sky above us.

This was it?

Holy fuck, I was about to shift into a wolf.

I quickly looked around at Maddox and Dean. Maddox, the ever overachiever, had already shifted, and his lion lazed in the grass at the edge of the clearing. He’d done this once before, so I guess it wasn’t such a big deal for him. Dean, on the other hand, looked like he was seconds away from barfing, the same as I was. No one had mentioned this part, and I scrunched my eyes closed as I tried to hold back the need to hurl.

The sound of a canine huff of laughter in my mind had my body locking up in confusion. Of course, I’d get the fucking smartass wolf that would enjoy putting me through this.

He huffed again, but I didn’t get the chance to roll my eyes as a wave of pain flowed down my spine, arching my back as I felt my bones start to break and move.

Holy fucking shit, I was only now appreciating just how much this was going to hurt.

A wave of warmth filled my mind, and I knew it was my wolf trying to comfort me through what was about to be one of the worst pains I’d ever experienced.

And then it started.

Every bone in my body snapped and reformed, only to snap again. It was like lava flowed through my veins and my mouth opened in a wordless scream as I gave myself over to the shift. There wasn’t a single part of me that tried to fight it. It was all I could do to stay conscious. I had nothing left to fight the process.

I felt my face elongating into a snout and the brush of fur that I realised was actually my own, as it covered my skin.

By the end of the process, I lay on the ground panting in exhaustion and wondering if it was even possible to survive shifting back into a human. Maybe I’d have to stay as a wolf forever. There was no way I wanted to go through that again.