Page 77 of Renegade Kings
Dean strode into the study without even looking back, and I followed him curiously. He should be dead on his feet, and I’d need to convince him to go back to bed. I already knew he wouldn’t agree until I was ready to go with him.
I found him with the journal in one hand as he stood in front of the bookcase, looking over the spines of the books housed there.
“What do you recommend?” he asked, his fingers trailing across a couple of the books as he perused the shelves. “Something about Nymeria would probably be the most useful.”
“You should read the book in your hand, then. It’s a collection of everything my father thought would be useful for us.”
Dean looked down at the book and then shook his head, turning back to the bookcase. “No, this one’s for you. You should read it first and see what it was your father wanted to tell you. I’m okay with something else.”
There was something in his tone that pointed to a sadness he didn’t seem to want to talk about. It wasn’t surprising. Dean didn’t seem like someone who was really that open to talking about the past. Not that he was closed off. It was more like he’d just left it all behind. This was the first time I’d ever heard something that sounded like regret in his voice. Or, at least, the first time when the subject we were talking about wasn’t Damon.
“We’ll get him back, you know,” I whispered. Hoping I wasn’t going somewhere I shouldn’t.
Dean glanced over his shoulder at me and then seemed to see something on my face that made him turn and abandon his search. He gently placed my father’s journal on the desk and strode across the room to me. Pinching my chin between two fingers, he tipped my face up and gently kissed me.
“I love you,” he murmured. “I love that you can see to the centre of me and it doesn’t make me afraid. It doesn’t make me want to lash out and run. All I want to do is pull you closer and never let you go.”
The world fell away as I stared into his eyes and saw the love there.
“I love you, too.”
There wasn’t even a question of whether I did. My feelings for this man consumed me. I’d never thought my life would go this way. In the human realm, I did what I needed to keep everyone just a step too far away from me, to stop them from becoming attached. It wasn’t their fault. I couldn’t bear the thought of ever losing someone again. The pain consumed me and I knew falling deeper into that hole would end me. It was all I could do to survive.
But that need to stay away had never applied to Dean or the others. Even Tank had stayed close enough to chip away at those walls when no one else had been able to get close.
I didn’t want to avoid the feelings when it came to them. There was no point in trying to stop the love for fear of the pain that would follow. Because why would I want to be in a world without them in it?
We were mated. Bound. Where one of us went, the rest would follow. Willingly. Without question. Because it was where we were supposed to be.
Dean’s hands cradled my cheeks as his fingers gently pushed through my hair. He stared into my eyes like he was trying to commit every fraction of a second to memory.
“I don’t deserve you, but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever let you go, Alyssa. This world needs a queen like you. Part of me wants to be selfish and keep you all to myself. To run away and burn this whole place down as we go. But I can already see what you can do for them, and fuck if it doesn’t make me want to a better man so I can help you do it.”
“You are a good man, Dean. You’re one of the best I know. I see the loyalty and bravery you try to hide. I hate to tell you, but you’re not fooling anyone.”
He grinned, kissing me again before he took a step back. His fingers trailed from my face as he reluctantly let me go.
“The wolf in me wants to tear apart everything that stands between you and what needs to be done. But the man? The man in me knows we need every weapon at our disposal. I’m going to be strong, stronger than I’ve been before, and I’m getting my family back.” He opened his mouth to say something else and then changed his mind. A touch of sadness filled our bond and then was quickly pulled away.
“You don’t have to feel bad about talking to me about family,” I told him quietly.
Dean stepped away to grab the journal again and then he guided me over to the sofa in the corner of the room, pulling me down into his lap as he placed the book beside him.
“None of us really appreciated that we were shoving this idea of saving our brother in your face when you were still hurting from the loss of your entire family. What kind of men does that make us? We saw your pain. It was impossible not to and yet we forged on, anyway. I’m ashamed of the way we acted when we first met you. You don’t deserve…”
“Oh, hush.” I quickly kissed his lips and then settled in to get comfy. I could see the surprise on his face as I did. “Dean, you’re allowed to love your brother. My loss doesn’t make your pain any less. Besides, the fall of the Spring Court was nearly a lifetime ago. I won’t say it doesn’t hurt. I’m not even going to try to persuade myself that it won’t be a pain I’ll feel for many lifetimes to come. But coming back to Nymeria has made me realise something. I can’t run from this one tragedy all my life. Nymeria is filled with so much pain and so much death. Trying to avoid this place has done nothing but make Arik stronger. I have a power inside me, a gift. I owe it to the people here to use it. And I’m finally ready to. We shouldn’t abandon what we believe in just because we let our personal pain smother us. It’s time to embrace it, to use it to make a difference. To try to make these terrible crimes make some kind of sense.”
I never thought I’d find a way to move past the guilt of leaving this place. But the longer we were here, the more I was thinking there could actually be a way.
“I’ve been thinking about that.” Dean picked up the journal and passed it to me. “Your magic got stronger when you came back, when you bonded with us, and when you came back to this palace. Every step you’ve taken has strengthened your magic, right?”
I nodded, confused about what he was trying to say.
“That never could have happened if you hadn’t left. Hell, we hadn’t even been born when this whole thing started. This is a journey you were supposed to take, and it’s a journey that Fizzle and probably your parents knew you needed to go on.” He tapped one finger on the cover of the journal and I looked at it with fresh eyes. “You have nothing to feel guilty for. This is exactly what Nymeria needed you to do to be strong enough to make a difference, to save the rest of them from the man that no one else has got close to.”
“I… I…” My very foundation rocked at his words.
This was what I was supposed to do.