Page 41 of Knot Innocent
I walk right back out of my bedroom, following Bastien’s course to the main part of the house. Bash is in the living room, standing in front of the sofa with his shirt and shoes off. Hearing my quiet steps, he turns as I approach. “What’s wrong?”
I close the last few feet, not answering his question. I respond only when I’m close enough to feel the heat from his skin. A single, shaking hand lifts, touching the hard planes of his chest. Bastien freezes, and his breath catches.
Spurred on by his sharp inhalation, I push up on my toes and touch my lips to his. Bastien’s body is so warm but so rigid. My other hand joins the first, and then both slide up to wrap around his neck. Finally, he melts into my kiss.
Amazingly, the man whose body was carved from stone has the most supple, soft lips. The stubble on his chin is rough against my skin but creates a delicious contrast—an instant addiction.
Before long, Bastien takes over completely, grasping my waist with his big hands and pinning me to the nearest wall. Fireworks shoot off all over my body, leaving little pinpricks of awareness on my skin as he plunders my mouth.
With a death grip on Bastien’s shoulders, I whimper, begging for more. I want everything. At the sound, Bastien draws back sharply, dropping my leg that he’d lifted to wrap around his hip.
“What is it?” I gasped, still vibrating with anticipation.
Bastien steps toward the sofa, reaching for and yanking on his shirt. After, he scrubs a hand over his angry, disgusted face. “I can’t do this,” he growls.
I push off the wall and reach for his hand, only for him to pull it away. “You’re not taking advantage of me if that’s what you’re worried about. I came on to you, remember?”
“That’s not what I mean,” he fires back.
Thrown by his vehemence, I whisper, “Then what do you mean? I don’t understand.”
He throws his head back and sighs. “I’m a dangerous man, Birdie, too dangerous to have anything more than casual relationships. You’re worth more than that. Worth too much to let me ruin you.”
I step closer again, only for Bastien to retreat as if he’s afraid for me to touch him. “I still don’t understand. What are you talking about?”
“I’m my father’s son. My name may be different, but that bastard’s blood still runs through my veins.”
I try to defend Bastien, but he cuts me off. “Nothing you want to say will change the truth. I’ve heard it all several times already. What I can’t get anyone else to understand is he didn’t always, but there was a point where he began beating my mother. My father was a decent man until he wasn’t. I have no idea what triggered the monster inside, but that man raised me, and I see him every time I look in the mirror. I already know I share his violent temper. I won’t risk doing to any woman what he did to my mother.”
So, he does want me and thinks he has to protect me from himself. Unbelievable. I don’t care that Bastien thinks he’s heard it all before. There’s no way I can keep silent. “You are not your father. I know you well enough to believe you could never do the things he did.”
He shakes his head in immediate denial. “You’re wrong, Birdie. Because of mine and my father’s violent temper, I’ve already lost two of the most important things in my life, my mother and my career in the SEALs.”
“How can you say that? Yes, your father was a monster, but you didn’t go on some rage-induced rampage. Defending someone who can’t defend themselves is an honorable thing. I’m sorry you lost your career over it, that the Navy felt it needed to cover its ass instead of protecting you and the female sailor. But I’m telling you, any decent man would have and should have done the same thing. You are way too conscientious to ever let yourself become what you hate. You have to see that.”
Bastien scoffs and rolls his eyes like he’s dealing with a naïve child. “You don’t know the beast inside, Birdie. No one does. And I’m going to make sure you never do.”
Bastien looks away toward the door. The hard set to his jaw means he’s finished with the discussion and is considering leaving. He’s wrong about everything but intent on allowing his father’s influence to keep him bound.
He was right about one thing. My words meant nothing. Any further conversation would be awkward, so I keep quiet and return to my room. I swipe away a hot, angry tear once I shut the door. What hurts worse? Being rejected or not actually being rejected but shut down anyway? Too close to call.
So, Bastien’s made up his mind. He’s determined to punish himself for his father’s sins and won’t listen to reason. I can understand his rejecting others’ words. They’ve never helped me forgive myself. I can’t give up, though. Bastien needs help, and I think I’m the only one for the job. Fearing a monster inside isn’t the same as being one. I should know.
I’m going to help Bastien. This beast he’s so afraid of, Bastien’s wrong about him. And I plan to prove it.
Birdie
“How the hell am I supposed to do this?”
The ceiling above my bed fails to offer a decent answer or sensible advice. Even worse, the demons are back, mocking me. What right do you have to try and fix anyone? How can you help him if you can’t help yourself?
The demons have a good point. I have no answer for these questions harder than Bastien’s head. But what if? Maybe we could fix each other. Not that I deserve absolution, but what if?
The rest of the night is rough and passes slowly without much rest. Cranky from the lack of sleep and still in my pajamas, I tiptoe to the kitchen for some coffee.
It comes as no surprise that my dreams failed to produce some grand epiphany to help Bastien see beyond the dark shadow left by his father. Why would they? I’m constantly reminded that I have to be batshit for thinking I have license to try to help him at all.
Speaking of batshit, my only idea involves doing something so incredibly stupid that I’d have to be crazy to try it. Or desperate. Good thing I’m both.