Page 37 of Bad Ball Hitter
My nails bit into my palms. The thought of driving my fists through the wall, feeling the crunch of my knuckles against the plaster, never felt so good. I wanted to pound out the frustration because I knew in the depths of my soul he wasn’t wrong.
Dad, Mom, and my sister Anna. They’re all gone. As for Mia, she was suffering too. She put her dreams on hold and quit college.
And the common denominator for all of this was me.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Lila
“What do you mean?” I’m sitting on my couch with Drake in utter shock. Like, what did he just say? He broke up with me to protect me! Drake was the last person I needed protection against. He was … my hero.
He lets out a weary sigh. “You have to understand where my head was at then.”
“Explain it to me like I’m five because I am not understanding at all.”
“Think back to right before my senior year.”
When his dad died.
My heart sinks. I knew that affected him and everything that followed, but I cannot see how that correlates with his breaking up with me.
“Everyone around me dies or suffers. I didn’t want that happening to you.”
“Drake.” His name comes out as a sigh. A plea. My heart is breaking all over again. I want to pull him against me. Offer comfort. But I can’t. This time around, he doesn’t belong to me. “That isn’t true.”
“Isn’t it? I’m the catalyst.”
“No.”
His mouth forms a tight line. A beat of silence passes before he looks away. “It all started the night Dad died. You remember how he worked all the time?” At my nod, he continues, “He wasn’t planning on making it to Mia’s recital until after he talked to her on the phone. I overheard her pleading with him. She hadn’t seen me until she hung up. When I asked about him, she tried downplaying how upset she was, but I could tell. She couldn’t hide the threatening tears. Had this been a one-off, I would’ve dealt with his ditching better, but he always prioritized his work over us. You were there. You saw how he never went to my games.” Drake pauses and takes a calming breath. This has to be hard for him.
“After seeing how upset Mia was, all I saw was red. I was sick to death of him blowing us off. When she left, I dialed his number and held nothing back when he answered. I told him how selfish he was for never putting us first. But I didn’t realize he worked so hard to pay Anna’s medical bills. All I focused on was how he hurt Mia. I idealized my sister. She made me a better baseball player. She’s the one who practiced drills with me, not Dad.” He takes a stuttering breath, and I can’t hold back. I lay my hand on his, encouraging him to continue.
“He raced home that night because of me. Dad crashed because of me. He died because of…” Drake’s voice cracks along with my heart. I’ve never seen him this anguished in all the times I’ve known him. I knew he suffered back then, but I didn’t realize it was this bad.
“No, Drake. That was a choice he made. He knew what he was doing.”
“But it was my call. He’d still be here if it weren’t for the call that I made.”
“That was an accident, Drake. You had nothing to do with it.”
“The last thing I said to him was he’s a selfish prick. I hung up and never got to talk to him since.” He quits talking as emotions flash through his eyes: anger, resentment, sadness. They’re all reflected in those deep brown orbs I’d get lost in. Seeing him vulnerable, I know I still could.
“Your dad knew you loved him. Don’t think differently. He knew.”
He blinks rapidly and averts his gaze. His voice drops to a low, almost hesitant tone. “You don’t understand, Lila. It doesn’t stop with Dad. Anna … my mom … it’s like I’m cursed or something.” His shoulders sag, the weight of his guilt pulling him down.
The last piece of my heart breaks for him. I remember how he was back then—always intense, always brooding. I thought I knew everything about him, but I never knew how deeply he blamed himself. “Drake,” I start, but he shakes his head sharply.
“No, let me finish.” He takes a deep breath, his knuckles white as he clenches his fists on his muscular-clad thighs.
“When Anna’s cancer came back, I thought God was punishing me. Mia had left for college. Mom got busy with her appointments and Roy … he kept antagonizing me, and like the stupid prick I was, I went along with every shenanigan he talked me into doing.”
“I knew that. You were always my wild child, but things spiraled after your dad’s accident. It was one tragedy after another, and as much as I tried to hold you together, I couldn’t. But Roy…” I can barely say his name without disdain. “…was always there in the thick of it, prodding you.”
He rubs his chin and studies me. “Was everything I thought happened based on lies?”
Before I can answer, he rubs his chest as if it hurts, as if the entire situation hurt his heart. Maybe it did because mine ached.