Page 46 of Chase
“I can offer you some sort of explanation,” he suggested, surprising me. “Well, not an explanation per se, but perhaps a different perspective on what’s happened.”
“Please do.” I sat back in my chair, interested in what he had to say. A pep talk hadn’t been something I was expecting when he appeared. I assumed he’d been sent to check on me by my sister; now it seemed he was here under his own steam.
“It’s possible to care about and be in love with two people at the same time.” The statement was candid and to the point. Internally, I winced with the directness. The harsh reality that love isn’t always like in the storybooks. “I am.”
“With all due respect, it’s not the same situation.”
“No, but there are similarities. But because I’m an idiot, I’ve ended up on my own. Emma left because I refused to let go of the past. Actions and reactions always have consequences. In my situation, I was the one in the middle between a future I could have and the past I once had. I acted irrationally, struggling with the guilt and morality of it all.”
“Do you not think you could fix things with Emma?”
He sighed, his chest rising and falling in defeat. The stubbornness that got him here showed through the cracks. “I doubt she would want to. What I am saying is, Samantha was devastated last night with both the thought of hurting you, and losing you. She cares, Connor, a lot. And I heard you tell her you love her. Those words weren’t said frivolously. Don’t let a snap decision risk what you have. Don’t make the same mistake I have. It’s a lonely place to be.”
“What if she leaves? What if she chooses him?” The real fear surfaced again, the idea that she would prefer my brother over me. The niggling worry that Russell will be able to provide what she needs more than I can, that in some way they’re more suited. My self-doubt screams at me to end it now and not leave myself open to the devastation of being the one not chosen.
“Then you will know she isn’t the right girl for you.” He finished his drink and rose from his chair. “All I am saying is, investigate every avenue before you throw away what could be. Have the conversation.” He walked around my table, and I stood to face him. His hand shot out and grabbed mine, shaking it firmly, before he pulled me into a hug. “You’re one of the most genuine men I know. You deserve happiness but that doesn’t come with an instruction manual. If you suspect this girl is the one, do what you can to keep her.”
***
Another knock at the door interrupts the memory of my conversation with Damon and, ultimately, why I decided to suggest Samantha see both of us. I walk over and open it to find her on the other side. We haven’t spent much time together this week; she’s stayed in her apartment while I stayed in mine. Apart from brief messages and catching up for coffee one day, I haven’t seen her since the discussion in Russell’s hospital room.
“Hi,” she says, her cheeks turning the most stunning shade of pink.
“You’re early.” Her face falls at my reaction, and I chastise myself for being an ass.
“I can go. We could meet at the hospital.” She moves to turn away, and I reach for her hand. Our fingers connect, and she stills but doesn’t look at me. The pain those two simple words inflicted emanates from her. She’s taken my statement as a rejection.
“No, I’m sorry. I just wasn’t expecting it to be you. You have a key, why didn’t you use it?” Her head pivots in my direction, causing the blonde hair I love wrapped in my fingers to sway. Dressed simply in jeans and a long-sleeved red top, she’s every inch the girl next door—the woman I could see spending my life with. A delicate hand slips into her pocket and pulls out my key; she offers it to me.
“I’m not sure it’s appropriate that I have access to your home,” she says sadly. “After everything I’ve done, you have every right to draw back or away completely.”
“I meant what I said,” I tell her. “I want this to work, but I won’t beg you to be with me. You have to make that decision on your own.” I wrap my hand around hers, and in this moment, it feels as though the key that she’s holding is the key to my heart as well. I squeeze her fingers closed so her skin encases the cool metal. “Keep it. I want you to be here when you want to be.”
We stand on either side of the threshold to my home, my hand holding hers and a key that signifies what could be between us. Only a week ago, our relationship was incredibly simple in my eyes, and moving forward in a way I expect it does for those who live normal lives. Now, we’re navigating something completely different, neither of us knowing fully where this will end up.
“I’ve missed you,” she says, shyly.
“I’ve missed you too.” My fingers tighten, and I pull her to me, holding her against my chest. She wraps her arms around my back and begins to cry, low, soft sobs as she buries her face into my shirt.
“I’m so sorry,” she gasps out as she comes up for breath. “This insanity doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I don’t want you thinking that.” I place my hands on her shoulders, pushing so I can look down at the woman who holds my heart in her hands, and I try with all my might to smile. Her pain is something I can't bear.
“Sam, I may not understand what you feel, because the way I feel about you leaves no room for someone else.” She bites her lip nervously, but I need to be honest. “What I’ve suggested is a temporary measure. This is me giving you a chance to explore what you want. It isn’t permission for you to sample any desire for years to come.”
“I would never…”
I lift a finger to her lips to stop her from speaking. “Perhaps not, but the only reason I ever suggested this was because I love you, and I want you to be mine forever. I love my brother too, and if you’re meant for him, then I want you both to be happy.” I pull her to me again, resting my chin on the top of her head. “But as much as I love him, I hope your heart lands firmly with me.”
She starts to cry again, and I maneuver her into my apartment, still holding her to me before sitting on the sofa beside her. I wrap my arm around her shoulders, and she leans in against my chest.
“How do you see this working?” she asks, not looking at me. She moves to sit forward on her chair, placing her hands on her knees and playing with the material of her jeans. There’s a small rip. She pulls at the threads viciously, tugging until the gap widens.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “I hope we will find some kind of natural rhythm. That our relationship will continue to move forward while you explore what you think is missing.” I place my hand on the small of her back, and she breathes deep, her body expanding and contracting. The bones of her spine protrude through her top, and I note she’s lost weight in this past week.
“I never said our relationship was missing anything,” she mumbles into her fingers.
“Perhaps not in our relationship, but in your life, maybe.” She sits up leaning against my palm, and I drum on her back in an attempt to console her. “Sam, I don’t need anything but you. But we’re all different, and you have to find what you need.”
“I want you,” she tells me, turning to face me and then climbing up onto my lap. Her lips crash into mine as the tears that have continued to fall wet my cheeks. Her hands move to my hair, pulling me to her as she explores my mouth. “I’ve missed this so fucking much.”