Page 128 of Devious Knight

I never went back to my apartment. I just came straight out here. I needed to take a walk to sort through my mind and figure myself out.

There’s a lot resting on my heart.

I didn’t want to leave Kade. I wanted to stay and see if we’d still be the same people from last night. Then I realized staying was crazy. A guy like Kade will only use you when he wants you.

He’ll have fun with you and then move on to the next girl who attracts his attention. I don’t have much experience with men—and I doubt my one wild night qualifies as experience with men in general—but I know him.

I’ve watched Kade long enough to see how he rolls when it comes to girls. So, what would make me different to any other?

The hot quarterback of the college team is not going to pick me from the sea of women who fall at his feet. Like Parker said, there’s nothing about me that stands out from the crowd.

Kade certainly won’t pick me because the elephant carrying the secrets between us is getting bigger and starting to rear its ugly head the closer we get.

So, leaving was the only option for me.

Last night was last night. And it was amazing. I escaped, and I was as free as a person who’d jumped on a plane and flown to the moon.

I went through a different door with Kade. One where I could forget life and just be alive.

I felt alive for the first time since my mother died, and I had fun. I don’t regret one second of last night. Neither do I regret losing my virginity to Kade Gurkovsky.

I feel different in a good way, like I’ve grown up, and I like that my body is sore in all the right places.

Whatever we were for those hours we spent together existed beyond the reach of everything. At the same time, I accepted that it couldn’t last forever.

The sun had to come up. A new day had to dawn. And I had to put things into perspective.

As for what I’m going to do when I see Kade again… I haven’t figured that part out, and I’m parking it for the day.

Last night, I didn’t just give myself to him—I gave him a piece of my soul. I felt things that I never knew I could feel for anyone, and I’m reminded that I liked him first.

I liked him first, but I mustn’t fall for him. To do so would be a disaster.

I have Parker to worry about. Parker and my future. Those two things are my priority right now.

Now that my head is clearer and the angst has shifted from my soul, I think I’m right about him. Right about everything. My gut instinct is stronger this morning.

Despite that, I still don’t know what to do. Or even if there’s anything I can do.

The new plan is to just make a start. Make a start on my project. And make a start on keeping on top of everything else. Like the portfolio and work experience.

I’ll contact nearby galleries and see if I can get some work experience for weekends and the upcoming holidays. If I work through Easter, I could potentially pick up a hundred hours, then I could top up the extra time during the term.

That's the plan so far. It’s still crazy as fuck, and I can’t imagine getting everything done, so if—most likely when—I flounder, I’ll try to speak to someone.

Someone who isn’t Kade. I don’t want to get him involved for other reasons now. Yes, because Parker is his godfather, but also because he’ll read more into my problems than just the workload. He’ll take one look at me and know.

He already knows that I’m not keen on Parker. There’s no way I can tell him my true feelings.

The only people I have in mind to speak to are Thorne and Eilish. It’s a long shot, and I shouldn’t get them involved either, but they’re probably the only people I know who could possibly negotiate on my behalf.

Eilish is the sorority liaison officer, and Thorne is Thorne. Aleksander is his uncle. Maybe he could put in a good word for me.

I don’t know. This brainstorm is me trying to make the most of a bad situation. And if I fail…

Well, I have no backup for failure. I guess my life will take a very different route.

It’s funny I was so eager to leave Raventhorn at one point. I’ve grown up around the Knights, and I don’t know any other way of life, so going to Cambridge was supposed to be me venturing out into the unknown. But now I might not have the option to do that, either.