Page 100 of Blinded By Hate

“I was getting back to the hotel from getting Jaclyn’s meds and then when I walked in, I heard a little boy on the phone. I stay for a few seconds and keep hearing him call her mama. I walk in and the kid stares at me.” Hayden looks at me. “The kid has such familiar eyes. He had these dark gray eyes and I swear I was looking at myself. He told Jaclyn there was someone behind her and then she hung up before telling me he was mine.”

“Did she explain why?”

“Yea. She told me she was scared and that’s why she never told me. I don’t understand why she was scared because I would have been there for her. I would have helped her and held her hand every step of the way. I would have been in that fucking delivery room with her, telling her how good she’s doing and that she was going to be a great mother. But no, she did it all by herself because she was scared.” Hayden runs his hands through his hair. “And the shitty thing was that I didn’t care she was scared because I’m fucking hurt. She didn’t think about my feelings with this and I know it’s shitty that I’m mad at her but-”

“You should be mad at her, Hayden. But you should never make her feel guilty for it because she had a valid reason.” Hayden looks up at me instead of at his hands. “You have no clue what she went through in that room, right? You don’t know what they did to make her scared of being with you. They fucked her up in there. Thank God Jane didn’t go through what Jaclyn went through instead. Because if Jane did, I’m not sure I would have gotten to her. Jaclyn is fucking strong for taking care of a whole child by herself while also facing her demons.”

“She’s strong,” Hayden agrees. “I just wish things were easier for us.”

“God gives the worst situations to people who he knows can handle it and Jaclyn is strong. She can handle it and still come out okay. She just needed a little time. I think if she was still scared of you and the possibility of you she wouldn’t be here right now,” I explain. “Like I said, be mad at her but don’t make her feel guilty for it because she was just protecting herself and your kid from the possibility of all that trauma happening again.”

Hayden rests his head in his hand. “And I left her in the hotel room screaming.”

I shake my head and shove his shoulder. “Then why are you here drinking instead of talking to her and making everything better?”

“I didn’t want to do anything that I would later regret.” Hayden takes his head out of his hand and looks at me, regret all over his face. “Fuck, I just keep fucking up.”

I shake my head. “You can still fix it. You just need to talk to her and understand her side of the story. She knows what she did is wrong but she was thinking of herself and her child.”

Hayden nods his head. He is about to throw a bill on the bar to pay for the tab but I shake my head at him. “You sure? You just gave me your wisdom and now you want to pay for my drink?” Hayden raises an eyebrow.

I nod my head. “Just big brother things.” Hayden rolls his eyes and is about to turn away before I say, “You love her, Hayden, and she knows that. She is just scared that she loves you too much to let you go. Take your time with her, that’s what I did. Let her come to you.”

Hayden nods his head before walking away.

My phone rings and I see the name “Fawn” pop up. A smile makes its way to my face as I answer.

“Fawn.”

“Where are you? It’s late,” Jane says from the other side of the phone.

It sounds quiet which probably means the kids are asleep.

“I had to be with Hayden,” I explain to Jane. “He had a situation.”

“He always does. Is he okay?”

“Yea. He found out he has a kid so he’s taking it kind of rough.”

I explain the whole situation to Jane while she just listens and gives her input every so often.

After a while we just talk about our days. When she’s talking, I can’t stop smiling because hearing her voice is one of my favorite things. She has no clue how that sound gives me such a huge wave of euphoria. She talks about the kids and how their day was but I’m honestly just happily drowning in the sound of her voice for the rest of the phone call.

Forty-Three

Jaclyn

Present

Ever since Hayden left, I haven’t been able to stop crying. It’s like the tears won’t stop no matter how much I try to forget about Hayden and his words.

The guilt is eating me up and makes me feel like shit.

I know what I did was wrong and Hayden wasn’t lying when he said all that.

It just hurts to know how much I affected him by not letting him meet Junior earlier.

I’m standing in the shower trying to forget all about the whole situation that happened with Hayden. I just need a minute or at least a second where my mind is quiet and not running 100 mph.