Page 110 of Blinded By Hate

I furrow my eyebrows and my head tilts slightly. “Really?”

Hayden nods his head. “I know what I have and what he doesn’t. You and Junior are both mine and nothing will change that. I’m just not very happy with the fact that he probably got to experience what I should have been experiencing before me.” I’m about to say something but Hayden continues. “I know you needed to heal and to be away from me but I just hate the fact that I couldn’t experience Junior with you and growing a family. But that guy did,” Hayden says.

“I’m sorry,” I say, for the thousandth time this week. “I feel awful, Hayden, you have to believe me.” I look down at my feet, afraid to meet his eyes.

Hayden puts his hand on my cheek and makes me look up at him. “I know, Jaclyn. But I still can’t help but not be completely happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love Junior. I loved Junior before I even found out about him but I’m just not happy that I couldn’t love him or show him that love sooner.” I lick my bottom lip and nod my head lightly. “It’s going to take me time.”

I furrow my eyebrows and almost feel my heart break.

What does he mean by time?

He needs time to what?

To decide if we’re worth the trouble or the heartbreak?

He needs time to make sure I’m not going anywhere?

God, I hate the way he makes me feel, like I’m needy and desperate for his love and attention when I’m the one who fucked him over.

But instead of questioning him, I nod my head and take his hands off me.

“Goodnight, Hayden.”

Forty-Seven

Hayden

Present

Waking up alone in my apartment is what I’ve become used to after not living with people for a while.

I will say, it’s more peaceful and the mornings go by slowly which means I’m able to just relax and enjoy them.

But I’ll also admit that I miss someone waking up next to me.

A warm, specific body next to me to wake up with.

I could already imagine waking up next to Jaclyn in the morning and then a few minutes later, our children running into the room and jumping on our bed. Making breakfast and just spending the whole day together.

Being with her is a dream itself.

But I also can’t help but still feel pissed off that a motherfucker named Brandon had the chance to be a “father” figure to Junior instead of me.

The bag in front of me swings fast as Freddie tries to hold it still.

“What’s on your mind?” Freddie asks as he holds the bag. “Your punches seem nasty.”

Freddie doesn’t know about Junior or what the fuck happened in Italy with Jaclyn.

I haven’t talked to him since I left for Italy.

I stop punching the bag and try to control my breathing.

Every Friday morning, Freddie and I train together. Usually he is in Utah with his family but he flies out every Friday to check in on me and train.

I think I talk more to Freddie about things than I do with Carter.

I take off my gloves and walk towards the bench where my phone’s at. I unlock it and go to the camera roll, clicking on the most recent picture and showing it to Freddie.