Page 51 of Blinded By Hate

“It’s okay.” I lie.

I mean I’m doing better than I was before I had Junior. But it’s sometimes hard to manage it, especially if I’m having one of those days.

“Is it seriously okay or are you just trying to make sure I don’t worry?” Hayden asks, giving me a side eye probably knowing that I am lying.

“It’s better. Despite what you might think, I am doing a lot better than I was five years ago.”

“I believe you. I just can’t help but think something else is wrong or there’s something you’re hiding from me.”

This should be the time where I tell him, “Oh you have a four year old son, whose name is Hayden Junior Night and he looks exactly like you. I lied because I was protecting myself. I wish I could have told you sooner but you just reminded me of all the bad memories, so I had to hide from you to make sure I don’t have those memories again. Sorry.”

But in the middle of the day in a convenience store is not the time. Especially since he is getting married soon.

It’s just not the right time.

But will it ever be?

Instead, I don’t say anything to Hayden. I just walk past him and go to the vitamins. Hayden looks at all of the containers and grabs two that he thinks are the best.

Hayden pays for the melatonin and we leave the store. We walk around the mall, not really saying much to one another. Hayden would ask questions and I would answer but that’s it.

He asks about my career, me living in New York, how my mom and uncle are, etc.

I try not to ask him much because I don’t want to build that relationship we had. I don’t want to be interested in him. I want to forget about him and pretend that what we had doesn’t affect me everyday.

Hayden and I walk inside another store that has a beach vibe. They have bikinis on one side and then stuff for the pool and beach on the other. Hayden goes to where the sunscreen is and he grabs a couple of bottles of it. Probably for everyone to use since there are a lot of people that might need it. Hayden then walks towards where the clothes are.

Hayden looks at the bikini section and a smirk appears on his face. He looks down at me and says, “Wanna try some bikinis on for me?”

My face can’t help but turn red.

Memories of Hayden and I at Victoria Secret come to mind.

One time when we were in Utah visiting his family we went to the mall and Hayden took me to Victoria Secret because he wanted to buy me some stuff there. He ended up fingering me in one of the dressing rooms. After that he bought me all the lingerie I tried on and it came out to almost $700.

Hayden’s smirk widens as he sees my face turning even more red probably. My face feels so hot I think I might explode or something and then the butterflies in my stomach decide to make an appearance as well.

“No,” I say before walking away.

I need to get away from him. This flirting between us has to stop.

He is getting married!

I can't be doing this.

I feel horrible for letting Hayden kiss me already when he has a fiancé.

And the fact that I can’t stop these feelings from arising again makes me feel even more shitty.

Hayden and I don't talk when we pay for the stuff. We walk back to his car in peace and I help him put all of the stuff we bought in his trunk.

I shiver while putting the stuff away. I wish I brought a jacket instead of just wearing this dress.

Today I decided to wear a blue summer dress with small flowers on it with white tennis shoes. I felt cute today and my hair looks good so I wanted to dress nice for my first day out and about in Italy.

Hayden grabs his jacket from the trunk and he puts it around my shoulders. I turn my head to look at him and see him looking down at me with that same soft expression he’s been giving me lately.

I feel myself getting lost in his eyes constantly now. It’s impossible to just look away from him and forget the feelings I have for him.