Page 99 of Havoc's Fox
“He’s actually been pretty good about staying out of it this time.”
“Surprising,” Valerie said.
“Yeah, it is. I’m okay, though. I gotta be. Not much I can do to change things. I have tried more than I care to admit and it just doesn’t make a difference. So, she’s going back to Boston and I’m staying here.”
“Did you tell her you love her?”
“She knows, Momma. She just can’t let go of the years of hurt.”
“And you can’t let go of her,” Valerie said.
“I have to. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Have you talked about it?” Valerie asked.
“Yeah, more or less. She apologized and said that she’s partially responsible. That we both made mistakes and she’s aware that this isn’t all on me.”
“Do you agree?”
“I don’t know. I mean, yeah, I needed more from her growing up. But she needed more, too. And neither of us made any effort to be what the other needed. But I’m the one that screwed around. She never disrespected me like that. I’m the one that took that route. So, could she have done things differently? I guess, but so could I, drastically differently. Bottom line is it doesn't really matter anymore. It’s done. It’s finished. It can’t be undone, and I’m so damn tired of having the same damn conversations about it. I’ll never be given the chance to prove that I’m not who I was then, and most of the time I’m pretty sure it’s the best I deserve. Despite the fact that I know that, I can’t help wanting her. I did this, and I know that. But I have to set it aside and move on or it’s going to tear me up.”
“Is that what she wants? To set it aside?” Valerie asked.
“I don’t know. I told her to travel safe and hung up before she could say anything.”
“Is she coming to say goodbye?”
“No. She wanted to, asked if she could, but I told her that it wasn’t a good idea. If you’re going, just go. No reason to stretch it out and make it a drawn-out ordeal, you know? Harley is already attached, why make it this big traumatic thing?”
“Harley might have wanted to tell her goodbye.”
“Harley wants her to be her mother.”
“She does need a mom. Little girls need their moms.”
“Lots of little girls grow up just fine with aunts and grandmothers and dads that love them more than moms ever could.”
“I know. I just wish things had been different.”
“Me, too. But they’re not. We deserve someone who wants us, not someone we’ll have to apologize to every moment of every day for the rest of our lives.”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything. It was a long time ago.”
“Feel like I do.” Havoc had been fidgeting with the keys he held in his hand. He looked up at his mother. “I’m so tired, Momma.”
“I know. Maybe if you gave someone else a chance. Are you open to somebody else?”
Havoc thought about it for a moment. Finally, he shook his head. “No. I’m not. But that doesn’t mean that I have to keep putting up with being dismissed either. She knows that I’m here. Knows that I want her. I’ve done everything I could to make her see me. Either I’m what she wants, or I’m not. I’m not begging anymore. I mean, I claimed her, Momma. She knows I claimed her. She knows how I feel. And I thought I knew how she felt. Guess I’m wrong again.”
“You’re not wrong. And there is progress here. Maybe just leave it alone for a while and see what happens.”
“All I know is that at the moment, I’m going to have a few beers with Ronan. I need a break, from everything.”
“You take your time. I’ll be right here. We’re making cookies and whatever else Harley wants to do.”
“Thanks, Momma,” Havoc said, kissing his mother’s cheek before quickly leaving the house.
Valerie watched from the kitchen windows as Havoc drove off, then went upstairs to check on Harley.