Page 20 of Vicious Devotion
“You’ll love it,” I assure her, putting as much enthusiasm in my voice as I can. I want her and Danny to be excited, to give them something to look forward to, to replace the fear of what just happened. “It was your grandparents’ estate, before they moved to New York. There’s a huge old house there—it’s going to need some repairs and TLC, but it’s beautiful, and?—”
“Is it haunted?” There’s a tinge of excitement in Cecelia’s voice, and I can’t help but smile.
“It might be,” I tell her gravely, and her eyes widen.
“I hope so. I want to meet a ghost.”
“There’s a ton of property to run around on, too. A vineyard, and a big lake for swimming—it’s the perfect time of year for it, and you’ll love it. And racehorses?—”
“Can I ride one of them?” Danny pipes up.
“I don’t know about one of the racehorses. They’re very sensitive, and a little dangerous. But there’s a couple of ponies, and you can absolutely learn how to ride on them.”
Cecelia lets out a small gasp of excitement, and just like that, I can feel the mood in the room shift. It turns from something anxious and fearful to a sense of hope, and I feel the tension in my shoulders relaxing, just a little.
“You two should get some rest, though,” I tell her, glancing over at Danny as well. “Your sleep schedules are going to be all messed up when we get to Italy. And that’s okay; it’s kind of a vacation. But you should try to get some sleep right now, while you’d technically be asleep if we were back home.”
“We haven’t been on a family vacation in a long time.” Cecelia looks at me, her expression thoughtful. “Not since Mama?—”
She breaks off, and I know she doesn’t want to say it aloud. None of us do. I can count the number of times on one hand that any of us have ever referred to Delilah as dead aloud, and I can’t help but wonder, at this moment, if maybe there’s something to that. If the fact that none of us want to say it means that none of us can really accept it, and start to move on.
I’m no therapist, but it feels like a possibility. It’s also something I can’t face right now, with so much else breathing down my neck.
“Well, think of this as a family vacation,” I tell her firmly, tugging down the covers so she can slide in. I motion to Danny, and he reluctantly puts his cars aside, letting me swing him into bed next to his sister. “The first of many,” I add, promising myself that when everything is safe again, I’ll make a point of planning more of them. I’ve spent a lot of time ensuring that I’m home in the evenings, that Cecelia and Danny live lives that feel as normal and grounded as two kids who live in a mansion and go to private school can feel, but I know I need to do more. Cecelia is close to being a teenager—she should see more of the world. So should Danny. We should be going on more family outings, taking trips, and exploring. I promise myself that we’ll do more of that in the future.
I tuck them both in, giving Cecelia and Danny each a kiss on the forehead. I get up, walking to turn off the light before I leave, and just as my finger touches the switch, I hear Cecelia speak up once more, her voice already drowsy.
“Since it’s a family vacation, I’m glad that Bella’s here with us, too.”
I feel a deep jolt in my chest, a feeling like a hand squeezing my heart. I’m risking their happiness, if I try to find mine with Bella. The thought hits me again, ever-present, always lurking. But there’s another thought, too, right behind it. One that keeps coming back, ever since I first laid Bella out on that lounge chair by the pool.
What if Bella and I finding happiness together is what keeps her here forever? What if it could be what really makes us a family, what makes this permanent?
I reach out, flicking off the light switch. “Me, too,” I murmur softly, as I step out into the hallway.
When I walk back into the other bedroom, Bella is still deeply asleep, on her side just as I left her, curled up beneath the blankets. I slide into bed next to her, the cozy sensation of the warmth she’s created wrapping itself around me.
Gently, I rest my hand on her hip. She doesn’t stir, but as I lie there, it’s all I can do not to let myself imagine how it would feel to have her here like this with me forever.
It makes me want to do whatever is necessary to make that happen.
7
BELLA
When I wake up, I’m briefly disoriented. There’s sunlight coming through one window, but it’s not where it normally is in my bedroom at Gabriel’s, and it makes me feel unanchored, like I’m floating in some in-between place with no idea of where I really am. A jolt of paralyzing fear slices through me as, for a brief second, I think I’m still at Igor’s, in the room where he kept me for the past three days. But the sunlight is in the wrong place for that, too, and I blink slowly, my eyes feeling sticky as I slowly push myself upright in bed.
I feel groggy, with that odd sense of barely even knowing who I am that comes with a particularly hard, deep sleep. I take in the deep, wine-colored bedspread that I’m tucked under, the soft mattress, the cream-colored carpet, the dark wood paneling. And, as last night comes back to me in bits and pieces, I remember where I am.
A private jet. Gabriel’s private jet, something that I’m not exactly surprised to know that he has, but that feels a little startling nonetheless. I run one hand through my hair, looking at the empty space next to me in bed, and I feel another small jolt in my chest.
He must not have gotten up very long ago. I can still see where the sheets were rumpled from him sleeping next to me, and I still smell the spicy orange scent of his aftershave. I run my hand over the soft sheet, and I find myself wishing that he were still here. That I’d gotten to wake up next to him.
That’s not what this is. I yank my hand back from the sheets, reminding myself of that fact for what feels like the thousandth time. The fact is, I’ll probably have to remind myself of it a thousand more times, since I’m about to be trapped on an estate in Italy with Gabriel 24/7. I’m guessing he’ll have things to keep him occupied, since he talked about having business there, but based on his description of the estate and surrounding town, I don’t think it’s going to be the kind of business that keeps him away from home at an office from nine to five. We’re going to be around each other more than ever before, right when it would probably be best for us to have some space from each other.
I bite my lip, folding my hand into a fist in my lap to keep from touching the sheets again. Last night, Gabriel made it clear where his priorities lay, and it’s not starting this thing between us again. Which is what I said I wanted. What we both agreed on.
It has to stay that way. For everyone’s sake.