Page 61 of Too Hostile

“We knew it had to end sometime.” His voice is strained. There’s no conviction in his words.

“No,” I say again, the only word I can seem to get out.

“This was just a reminder that we needed to end it, Fletcher. It was a push to do the right thing and end it before anyone gets really hurt.”

I’m hurt. I’m aching. I can’t stand the pain going through me right now as I look at him and see that his eyes are wet. The tears haven’t fallen, but they’re there. He doesn’t want this to end either.

But he’s still pushing me away. “We can...” I try, but I have no actual plan.

“We can’t,” he says as he steps closer to me now, and I nearly weep when he wraps his strong arms around me. “I can’t.”

And I know he can’t. I know it pains him to let me go, but at the end of the day, it’s his career that means the most to him. It’s his safety and his security. Having this roof over his head.

This is what he needs. And I nearly made him lose it.

I let him hold me. Because I know exactly what this is. This is goodbye. His voice rasps in my ear as a single tear falls from my eye and runs down my cheek. “If I could give it up for anyone, it would be you.”

I know exactly what this is, and I don’t let him go as another tear falls.

“Fletcher, I just can’t.” And then I feel a tear that isn’t my own hit my shoulder, and I close my eyes tight, trying to make my way through the pain.

Nothing has ever been this painful in my life though. Not my parents failing me. Not knowing that I was on my own. Not the hunger or the neglect or the abuse as I went from house to house where I never fit in. Not the cruel words and empty promises.

None of it sliced through me like this moment.

Because I let myself fall in love with him, despite him telling me from the very beginning it would need to end. I fell anyway, and I fell hard.

“We can figure this out,” I plead.

“I’m sorry, Fletcher. I’m so damn sorry,” is his reply just as he presses a kiss to my temple, and then he does what I was so afraid he was going to do last night. What I feared all summer long.

He lets me go.

RONAN

I’m watching the door again.

I can’t seem to stop that habit. I know Fletcher isn’t going to walk through the door of my classroom. That after last week, I have effectively totally pushed him away. That I likely won’t see him again for a while, and if I do, it will be a fleeting moment.

I didn’t want to hurt him.

I’d convinced myself that I wouldn’t, but as I held him in my home while we both cried as we said goodbye, I knew I was a fool. That I had ended up hurting us both with my stupid decisions.

I knew better, and for the first time in a really long damn time, I ignored all my instincts. And now look at where we are. When someone does walk through the door of my classroom, it’s not Fletcher. It’s Annie, and she’s looking at me with so much damn pity, it makes me want to throw up.

But I can’t really garner the energy to tell her to quit it. “What?”

“Jesus,” she says, probably surprised by my rude greeting, but again, I can’t seem to find the energy for basic manners. “You look like shit.”

“Wow.” I glare at her. “You really came here to tell me that? Thanks so damn much.” I didn’t tell her or Nathan what happened. I haven’t talked about anything really with anyone since Fletcher left my house almost a week ago. Since I let him go. I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it.

It makes it far too real.

But I know it’s real, and I know Annie is right—I do look like shit. I feel like shit. I’ve barely managed to get myself up, showered, and dressed this last week. I’m pretty sure I forgot to eat today, and I even forgot coffee.

It doesn’t really matter. Nothing really matters. It feels like I’m missing an entire part of myself. And how the hell did I get here? I promised myself I’d never ever rely on another human for my happiness. That I wasn’t going to be one of those pathetic people who needs another human to feel whole.

And now, here I am. Just looking like shit in my classroom, waiting for the next class to start over and over again until I die. Dramatic? Yes. True? Also yes.