Page 54 of Homesick
As I head to the kitchen, I can feel my heart rate speed up. My face begins to heat and I can feel walls begin to close. I need to get out, now. I quickly drop the plates I gathered in the sink and ignore hushed whispers in the other room. I sneak out the back door and attempt an Irish goodbye.
I hate that I’m reacting this way to Blake’s news, and I hate that he hid it from me. I also hate how I feel like his decision not to tell me is all my fault. I’m the one who told him I didn’t want to talk about anything serious, but I stop myself because he should have told me. Even if it was to set an expiration date on our arrangement.
I can feel my stomach sink every time I repeat the phrase, he’s leaving. I don’t want to react this way, but my body isn’t giving me a choice. I’m overloaded with feelings I’ve pushed to the side for weeks and now it feels like they’re all culminating.
Before I can reach the safety of my car, I see Blake approaching from the front of the house. I can see his mouth moving, but I can barely hear him over the beating of my own heart. I think about running, but I know that won’t solve anything. I need to put a stop to things between us here and now.
“Are you okay?” he asks, reaching out to me. I flinch at his hands when I think about what I have to do next.
It takes all my self-control to stand as straight as possible and plaster a bored yet serious look on my face. “I’m fine, Blake. I just . . .”
For a second, I stop myself. I have no right to be upset about him leaving. This thing between us has landed me right back where I had been six years ago. Desperate to hold onto my first love.
“I just wasn’t expecting that news,” I say before taking a deep breath. “I think we should cool things off between us for now. We shouldn’t have started anything to begin with.”
Blake’s entire body deflates at my statement. I can see the color draining out of his face. Every bone in my body is begging me to hold him until the pain goes away. Why did I let myself get swept up in this again?
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Wren. I began this summer trying to respect your boundaries, but then when you finally let me in, I took the opportunity to be close to you again. I miss you so damn much and there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t hate what I did to you six years ago.”
His words ricochet off my mind and leave my heart begging for more.
“Thank you for saying that, Blake,” I stammer out before taking a long sigh. “I think we both just got caught up in the moment. Now it’s time to face reality.”
“It wasn’t just a moment, Wren. You’ve been everything to me since I moved to this town and Honey Grove hasn’t felt like home since you left. I—I still love you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”
My entire body goes rigid at his words. I stare down at my hands, willing the tears to stay put until I’m alone. My willpower is useless though, because two seconds later the tears begin to drip onto my cheek.
“Blake, we can’t do this. You’re leaving and I’m not sure what the future holds for me. We’ll just end up right where we were six years ago, and I don’t think I can go through that again. It took me years to be able to come back here and not break down at every corner in this town that reminds me of you.”
Blake takes a step toward me, but I take a step back. Now I’m back-to-back with the side of my car and I have nowhere to go.
“I have to go. I can’t do this anymore,” I whimper before turning toward my car door.
Before I can open the door, Blake’s hand is resting on my shoulder.
“What if I told you I’m not leaving? I’ve been on the fence about moving for a while and I don’t want to leave my mom either. Wren, there are closer schools.”
If only it was that easy. I take another deep breath and keep my back toward him. If I turn around, I know I’ll melt into his arms.
“I can’t ask you to do that, Blake. You didn’t ask me to stay when we didn’t get into the same university, and I won’t ask you to stay now. This is your dream, and you shouldn’t have to sacrifice it for me. Maybe what we had is meant to stay in the past.”
Not being able to bear the look on his face, I slide Blake’s hand off my shoulder and finally open the door. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed so hard I can barely breath.
As I pull out of the driveway of my brother’s house, I make the mistake of looking in my rearview mirror. Blake is still standing in the driveway with his hand over his chest.
The tears come in waves now, but I let them. The drops feel cool over my hot cheeks, putting out a fire that I didn’t know was there anymore.
CHAPTER 19
“Wren, are you okay?”
“What?” I say, pulling myself out of my current daze. “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”
“It’s fine. You’ve just been off for the past couple of days,” my brother observes nervously beside me. “It seemed like you were doing great and then all of the sudden you did this 180.”
The last few days have been rough. I have no more tears left to cry and no one to blame but myself. I find myself retreating again. Emma has reached out multiple times, but I’m too embarrassed to tell her what happened.
I just wanted to lock myself in my room and do a full Blake detox. But that’s what the old Wren would do, and I need to stop pushing everyone away when things get hard.