Page 23 of Malevolent Hearts
I know it makes me a coward, but no matter how hard I try, my legs won’t carry me past the gates of our local cemetery. Just the thought of the undertakers lowering Liam’s body into the ground is unbearable. There is no way I can bear witness, not when I am barely holding it together as it is.
Before my fragile heart can stop me, I turn back around and head towards my car so I can escape the inevitable and get far, far away from the final goodbye that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I spend hours mindlessly driving around Killybegs, getting lost in my own melancholy and ignoring the countless calls from my mother and friends, until finally I decide it’s time to go home and face my new reality.
As I pull through the wrought iron gates of the Devereux manor, my stomach coils into knots. With my mam choosing to stay with Éanna and Lorcan at the cabins, nobody has been here since before the explosion. Suddenly, I’m hit with this eerie feeling as I spy the main house etched into the side of the mountain. It’s blanketed in darkness, leaving a ghostly mark. The moonlight reflects against the trees, casting a haunting shadow off the windows, adding to the hollowness of a house that will never feel like home again—not without my brother.
I’ve driven this driveway a million times, so even though my mind is elsewhere, my body switches to autopilot as I veer off the main path and onto the side lane leading towards mine and Liam’s lodge. The closer I get, the more anxious I become. Thoughts of me wandering around the gate-lodge I shared with my brother race to the forefront of my mind. He’ll never be there again, and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. Logically, I know I can’t avoid this place forever, but there is a part of me that wonders if I should have gone to the lake with the rest of my family and friends, because at least then I wouldn’t feel so fucking alone. But this is something I need to do. Seeing the pain on Saoirse’s face and the vacant expression in my mother’s eyes won’t do anything but make me fall further into my grief.
A lump thickens in the base of my throat, and I swallow it down, dampening the taste of dread that fills my chest. I have to process, to fully accept that my brother is never coming back. My grief longs for space and being here in our shared sanctuary will make me feel a little closer to him. This is somewhere I can cry without everyone watching with prying eyes while I break. I need it. But what I really need is my brother back.
The headlights burn through the night, lighting up the avenue, until finally illuminating the front of our house… and the shadowy figure slumped against the door with his head hanging between his knees.
For a split second, I contemplate shifting Liam’s Mustang into reverse and hightailing it in the opposite direction, but something tells me it wouldn’t matter where I go, he’d find me anyway. Slowing to a stop, I park next to Cadden’s vintage motorcycle and switch off my engine.
Instead of getting out, I flatten the back of my head against the headrest and prepare myself for a conversation I don’t have the energy for. Deep down, I knew he’d hang around, refusing to give me the space I asked for. It’s not in his nature to let me wander into myself. And the rare times I have, he’s made it his business to follow me into the darkness, ensuring I always came back.
This time is different, though. He’s played the leading role in my misery, and I don’t think I can ever forgive him for the deception and lies. Several times he’s pleaded his innocence, but how can I believe him? A bomb killed my brother, and although Cadden has sworn he didn’t know, it’s very likely he was the person who built it.
He can’t convince me he didn’t know what was happening that night, not when he did everything he could to get me far away from the intended targets. Not after he used our relationship to lure me away. If he’s as innocent as he claims, he’d have given me a heads-up and allowed me to warn the others, but he hadn’t. My brother lost his fucking life because of him. He claims he was protecting me, but if that were true, he would have protected everyone I loved too.
Peering out the windshield, my gaze meets Cadden’s as he lifts his chin and holds my attention from beneath his furrowed brow. I squeeze my eyelids tight, unable to look at him for a second longer—not when all I see in his reflection is everything I’ve lost.
I should be angry, swirling with rage and wanting to take everything from him like he did me. But all I feel is unbearable numbness. I know sooner or later every emotion sitting just below the surface will bubble over, but right now I can’t find the energy to unleash the strength I need to get to that point. Maybe it will be tomorrow, or the day after, or even the day after that. Make no mistake, I will raise hell on every fucker who played a part in Liam’s death, including the one person I thought could but never would hurt me.
Sucking in a breath, I blow it out just as quickly. Once I’ve somewhat gathered myself, I reach for the door handle. My feet hit the gravel driveway, and I keep my chin held high, desperately looking anywhere but directly at the man rising to his feet and shoving his hands into his pockets. His shoulders curl forward, and an air of uncertainty rounds his posture. Fumbling with the keys in my hand, I step right past him and insert my house key into the keyhole. As I unlock the door, I feel his attention burning into my back, but thankfully he keeps his mouth shut.
When I finally place my hand on the handle, I pause, filling my lungs with a heady breath. “Go home, Cadden.” He stays silent, and I push down, forcing the door to open. Without looking back, I step into the entryway and kick the door closed behind me, avoiding eye contact.
Unfortunately, Cadden must have stuck his foot out, because the door stops in its tracks. Throwing my gaze over my shoulder, I come face-to-face with his demons. Black circles rim his darkened eyes, accentuating the deep hollows of his cheeks. His jaw is clenched, and his chest rises and falls with heavy breaths.
Seconds pass by while both of us stand still, taking each other in. The weight of his betrayal creates a wedge between us. He must see my next move before it plays out, because as my hand hits the wood, ready to slam the door in his face, his foot be damned, he pushes forward, ensuring his place inside my door.
“I’m home,” he announces like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You are my home, Beibhinn. Have been for a long fucking time.”
For the first time in days, a feeling other than pure devastation sparks. “Fuck you,” I spit as I step into his towering frame. “How dare you come in here, today of all days, spewing your poetic bullshit. Home?” I question with a shake of my head. “I am not your home, Cadden. You don’t get to claim refuge for your sins in a house you burnt to the ground.” My hands fly wildly, my pointer finger poking into his chest. “How dare you come here and barge your way in. Get the fuck out of my brother’s house.”
He schools his features, determined to piss me off, it would seem. “No.”
Taken aback by his refusal, my hand greets the side of his face with a slap. The sound echoes around the house, and yet Cadden remains unmoving, still as a fucking statue. “Why won’t you take a fucking hint? I. Don’t. Want. You. Here,” I roar in his face, pounding against his chest with closed fists.
Taking hold of my wrists in a tight grip, he stops me from whaling on him. His pleading eyes search my gaze with a guilt-ridden reflection. “Hit me, punch me. Hell, fucking shoot me if you must, but it won’t matter. I’m not leaving you alone, not tonight. You need me, snowflake, so I’m not going anywhere.”
Ripping my arms from his hold, I grind my teeth together. “Let’s get one thing straight, dickhead… The only thing I need right now is my brother. I stopped needing you the second you took him from me. If you want to stay”—my arm swipes through the air, signalling towards the couch—“be my fucking guest, but I swear to God and all his disciples, don’t come near me for the rest of the night. I don’t want to hear you, see you, or fucking know of your existence. And when the sun comes up and this fucking hell of a day is over, I want you as far away from me as you can get. Do you understand?”
“Perfectly.”
With that, I turn on my heel and pass by the staircase that leads to my bedroom. I can’t stomach the thought of walking past my brother’s room. Instead, I seek solace in the only place I’ll find it, my library—or as Liam liked to call it, Beibhinn’s Smut Nook. It isn’t until I get there and slam the door behind me that I realise I made a colossal mistake. In my attempt to avoid the man stealing my peace, I retreated to a space surrounded by the gift he gave me—my love of romance books.
Thirteen
Cadden
The Past
Princes and princesses in everyday guise,
Navigating a world full of truth and lies.