Page 96 of Our Own Light
Floyd took a breath to calm himself and then he stuck his trembling fingers in the solidified fat. Taking Ollie’s hands in his own, Floyd began working the salve onto his skin.
Minutes passed. Finally, Floyd’s shaking started to slow, stopping only once those horrible memories stopped flashing in his brain. Thankfully, once Floyd’s shaking stopped, his teeth stopped chattering too.
“Wasn’t because of something you did,” Floyd said, still massaging one of Ollie’s hands. “Or because I ain’t want to be with you no more. Of course I still want to be with you, Ollie, but...” He heaved a sigh. “But sometimes, when I’m with you, it feels like I’m losing Matt. And I know that he ain’t here no more. I know he’s...”
Floyd trailed off, one last image of the blocked tunnel flashing in his mind and cutting off his words.
“Don’t force yourself to say it, Floyd.”
“No, I need to.” Floyd sucked in a long inhale through his nose and blew it out slowly, telling himself that he needed to face this. He’d been running from his sadness for much too long. “I know Matt is... I know Matt is dead.” His voice cracked when he said it, right along with his heart. Tears sprang to his eyes, the pain in his chest now so intense he could barely breathe. Inhaling a shaky breath, he said, “Sorry. I never said it aloud before.” As soon as the last word tumbled out of Floyd’s mouth, he started to cry, and in only seconds, he was bawling, crying a whole eight years’ worth of tears at once, and then his body started shaking from sadness instead of fear. “I ain’t never said it,” he repeated through a sob.
Ollie pulled his hands away, and then Floyd felt Ollie’s arms wrap around him. Floyd fell into them, burying his face into the crook of Ollie’s neck before a tiny squeak reminded him about Ollie’s injury. And so, Floyd moved lower, first resting his head on Ollie’s chest, and then letting it fall onto Ollie’s lap, curling his legs up onto the couch in the process. He cried and cried and cried.
“I’m here, sweetheart,” Ollie said, softly stroking Floyd’s hair.
Those words had Floyd thinking of everything Ollie had said back in the mine, reminding him of the fact that he could have lost Ollie, too, which then had him crying even more. How could he have been such a fool?
Ollie, unaware that Floyd was now crying about nearly losing him, too, not only about having lost Matt, said, “I’m so sorry you lost him.”
And Floyd wondered how Ollie could be so wonderful?
Over the next few minutes, Floyd continued to let himself cry. Tears poured from his eyes in a steady stream.
In between his sobs, he said, “I’m so sorry, Ollie.”
“Don’t be,” Ollie said sweetly.
“Why’d he have to die? Why’d Matt have to die?” Floyd choked out. “He was my best friend.”
“I know,” Ollie said, caressing Floyd’s wet cheek.
“I love him,” Floyd said even though he felt so horrible for it. Ollie was right here loving him and caring for him and still, Floyd was crying about his lost friend. “I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I miss him.”
“No, sweetheart. Don’t ever be sorry for that.”
“But you were right. You’re here and Matt’s not. And I been treating you so bad.”
“You haven’t been. Really.” Ollie cupped Floyd’s cheek to tilt Floyd’s head so that he could look up at him. “And I never meant that you shouldn’t miss him.”
“What am I supposed to do with it, Ollie? I know it probably makes you feel bad that I still think about him, that I want to think about him, but I’m afeared that if I ain’t careful, I’ll forget him. And I never want to forget him.”
“I won’t let you forget him.”
“Don’t it make you sad that I love him?”
“No, not anymore,” Ollie said. “For a little while, maybe, but that was wrong of me. I was feeling insecure. It wasn’t ever really about the fact that you love Matt, but that I felt like you weren’t letting me be your partner—your real partner—in the mine.”
“I was only trying to keep you safe,” Floyd said, sitting up. “I never told you this, but Matt...” He buried his head in his hands. “We were working together when I left to buy some black powder. Matt wanted to stay behind to collect some more coal, and there was...” Floyd felt a pinching in his chest, the memory cutting through him like a knife. “Oh God, Ollie, there was a cave in.”
“Oh, fuck, I...” Ollie took Floyd’s hand and squeezed. “I wish I knew what to say. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.”
“I only ever wanted to keep you safe, Ollie,” Floyd said through a sniffle.
“Gosh, Floyd, I know. I know that now. I won’t let my insecurity hurt you like this again.”
“Just tell me when you’re feeling like that.”
“I will. And I won’t ever be sad about your love for Matt again. I promise.” Ollie released Floyd’s hand and started stroking his cheek instead, the back of his fingers caressing his skin. “Please never feel like you can’t talk about him.”