Page 41 of Hate to Love You
He asks how school is going and what my plans are for after college. He tells me about his new apartment and that he’d like me to stop by sometime and check it out. I make the appropriate noises but remain noncommittal about it. Seeing his place would make the divorce more real, and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that yet.
Once the waitress stops by to take our order, it seems like we’ve run the gamut of superficial pleasantries. Silence falls over us.
Dad clears his throat. “I’m glad you agreed to meet me. I’ve been wanting to sit down and talk to you for a while now.” There’s a hint of reproach in his eyes. “We shouldn’t have gone this long without communicating.” When I don’t respond, he sighs and pushes onward. “I know the divorce hasn’t been easy for you, and I’m sorry for that. It was never my intention to hurt you.”
I want to laugh. Or cry. My heart feels like it’s beating a painful tattoo on my ribcage. Is he really naïve enough to believe that his leaving wouldn’t affect me? That I was going to be ambivalent to my parents breaking up just because I’m twenty-one years old and out of the house? Honestly, it didn’t make a damn bit of difference. Having your parents split up at any age sucks. It turns your whole world upside down.
“We’ve drifted apart over the last nine months, and I want to fix that. What happened between your mother and me had nothing to do with you.” His eyes search mine. “We both love you more than anything.”
“I know, Dad.”
He reaches across the table and squeezes my fingers.
“I don’t want to lose you, Nat. No matter how old you get, you’ll always be my little girl.”
Those words are like a much-needed balm for my soul.
I lick my lips, unsure if I should ask the one question that has been pounding through my head. “Now that you’ve had some time apart, do you think there’s any chance you and Mom can work things out?”
Sadness washes over his expression. “I don’t think so.” He shakes his head and sighs. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not the answer you wanted to hear.”
Tears fill my eyes. I hadn’t realized that I’d been holding out hope that they’d find a way back to each other. You hear stories like that all the time. Sometimes people just need some space to work things out in their heads, and then they come back and are better partners because of it.
“I know it feels like the divorce came out of nowhere, but it didn’t. Not really. Your mother and I hadn’t been happy for years. And it took me a long time to figure out that I didn’t want to continue living like that. We were just getting on, day in and day out.” He shrugs. “With you away at college, it seemed like my decision to leave would be less impactful. There wouldn’t be any custody arrangements to deal with.”
“It doesn’t matter how old I was,” I say quietly. “You walking away hurt.”
Pain flashes across his face. His voice turns deep and husky. “I never left you, Nat. Not ever.”
“That’s what it felt like.”
He glances away. “I’m sorry. I knew my decision would affect you, but I’d hoped you would be old enough to understand where I was coming from.”
Air leaks from my lungs. “I think it’s just going to take time for me to get used to all the changes. It’s a lot to deal with.”
“I can understand that. I don’t want to push you, but I don’t want to be iced out of your life either. Can we make a promise from here on out that we’ll at least talk on a regular basis? If you’re angry about something, tell me.”
My lips curl, and I nod. “I can do that.”
“Good.”
Our dinner arrives, and the conversation once again turns light, which is a relief. There’s been enough heaviness for one evening. I need time to digest everything we’ve discussed.
Every once in a while, his phone dings with a text. He glances at it and types out a quick reply.
“Sorry,” he says after the third one.
“It’s fine.” I assume it’s work and don’t think much of it.
Once our plates get cleared away, he asks if I want dessert.
Duh. Of course, I do. I haven’t changed that much in nine months. “Have you ever known me to turn down dessert?”
“Nope. Never.” He chuckles. “Stupid question, right? Dessert has always been your favorite course.”
It’s totally true.
Once dessert arrives—chocolate lava cake for me and apple pie à la mode for him—it feels like old times. I can almost pretend nothing has changed. That our family is still intact.