Page 49 of Curses & Kitsune
There’s more I want to say, but the man I love is hurting, and he needs me.
Face red with anger, I turn my back on Shoko and walk out. Raiden isn’t in the hallway, but his citrus scent lingers in the air. My phone buzzes before I can follow it. When I see the name on the screen, my pulse leaps. It’s my father.
Do I answer or not? I have no idea what he could be calling about. The last time I saw him was for my brother Katsuki’s birthday celebration, and that had ended with Katsuki kissing Raiden and me punching Katsuki. I wonder if he ever told them about that. I assume if he had, I wouldn’t have heard the end of it. Maybe he was embarrassed his little brother whooped his ass for a change.
My stomach twists with dread. He’ll probably just yell at me like he usually does. But what if it’s an emergency? Before I can make up my mind, the call ends. Heaving a sigh, I stuff my phone back in my bag. If there’s trouble, he’ll call again. I’d rather not speak to him unless it’s necessary.
Raiden’s scent leads me from the building and out into the streets. Sniffing, I follow his scent around the corner in time to catch him walking down a narrow alley. In the alley, Raiden stands before a vending machine.
“Want anything?” he asks, not turning as I approach.
“What do they have?” I ask, just to make conversation. I lean over Raiden’s shoulder.
He jerks his shoulders. “Sake. Some beer.”
“I’m good.”
Raiden feeds the machine some cash. I chance a glance at his face. It hurts to look at him. His shoulders are slouched as if burdened by an invisible weight, and his eyes are red-rimmed and dark. The machine grabs his drink, but halfway to the chute, it gets stuck. Raiden’s lips thin, nostrils flaring. “Fucking piece of shit.” He slams his fist on the glass. “Come on! Really?” He takes a few steps back and kicks the glass, rattling the machine.
“Hey, just leave it,” I say, gripping his arm. “We can go somewhere else. There has to be a few bars around here.”
Raiden yanks his arm out of my grip. He slams his boot into the glass again. “Fuck you, piece of junk!” His fist pounds the glass so hard that the glass cracks.
My hurt lurches. “Raiden, cut it out. You’re going to hurt yourself! If you want a drink so badly, we can—”
Raiden whips around and shouts, “I don’t want a fucking drink! I don’t care about the stupid machine. I just… I—” He never finishes his sentence as his voice cracks down the middle. Anguish twists his face. His shoulders heave. He stumbles back into the wall, a hand curling over his face. Sobs tear from him in great wrenching gasps, shaking his entire body.
I… I don’t know what to do. What to say. I’ve never seen him cry before, and it’s one of the worst feelings of my life. Of course this isn’t about a stupid vending machine. Raiden doesn’t want a drink. He’s just had his heart ripped from his chest. He confronted the woman who’d abandoned him, only to be abandoned a second time. He’d probably known what the outcome would be between him and his mother, but that doesn’t mean it hurts any less. He wants her in his life, and she rejected him… again.
There’s nothing I can say to make this less painful for him. No, there, there, or don’t cry because that’s toxic and terrible. I can’t say, it’s okay, I’m here, I won’t leave you like she did, because what good is that? I’m not a replacement for his mother.
All I can really do is be there for him and offer him support in whatever way I can. Hoping he won’t push me away, I touch his arm. Raiden doesn’t shove me away, so I run my hand up to his shaking shoulder. Raiden turns to me, falls into my arms, and sobs so hard that my heart breaks to pieces. He clutches at my shoulders, fingers gripping at my shirt. He nestles his face into the crook of my neck, his breath hot and shaky against my skin.
Eyes stinging, I hold him tight, one hand protectively at the nape of his neck. I stroke his heaving shoulders, then down his back, trying to soothe him as best I can even though I can’t find the perfect words. Raiden’s shaking subsides, and he sucks in deep breaths, exhaling steadily into the crook of my neck.
Breathing hard, Raiden turns his back and wipes his face. Sniffing, he says, “You heard my mother, right? Some temple in Osaka. We gotta get there.”
“We don’t have to rush,” I say, wishing he’d just slow down and give himself time to process things. “We can stay the night, and in the morning—”
Raiden shakes his head, combing shaky fingers through his hair. “No time. I’m sure the organization he betrayed is looking for him. We’ve got to get to Osaka and find my father before they do.”
I want to argue, but I’m just too drained. “Okay. If you’re sure.” Raiden sweeps by me, head bowed from my view. “Baby,” I begin, gripping his hand.
But words fail me when Raiden yanks his hand from my grasp. Even though he was so vulnerable with me, he feels even further away than before. His rejection shakes me to the core, but I shove my feelings down. I need to give him space and time. He’ll come back to me. He always does.
Right?
Chapter 18
Love only ends in heartbreak.
It’s a lesson I thought I learned when my father cheated on my mother and I watched her break down, when my father put his suitcases by the door and left before I could say goodbye, and when my mother put a five-yen coin in my hand before she pushed me at Namikawa. Even after all these years, my mother never recovered from the loss of my father. The memory of his betrayal still haunts her.
I told myself I’d never let anyone close enough to hurt me the way they hurt each other. Yet here I am, fated to Jinta. A beautiful ray of sunshine destined to be strangled by the darkness of my way of life. This has to end.
“Raiden? We’re here!” Jinta motions me out of the taxi.
“Sorry,” I mumble, annoyed that I’d spaced out.