Page 16 of Phoenix
“W-what do you mean?” I ask nervously, wanting to avoid the question altogether.
“Well, given that you were once called Niamh, I guess I’m curious as to why you would change it,” he says, shrugging like it’s no big deal. “It wasn’t hard to find out and if you think it will keep you safe from your demons, trust me, it won’t.”
“Jessie was my grandmother’s name,” I reply a little sheepishly, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden, “I changed it when I returned…h-home.”
“Well, Jessie, if Jake’s asshole stepfather is still alive, I’m guessing he’s already found out about your name change, especially as it’s likely to be him who hired me through a third party. We’re going to have to be more cautious than that. I don’t want you going anywhere without me, not even outside. We can call your parents but that’s it,” he says authoritatively. “Do you understand me?”
“I wouldn’t know who else to call anyway,” I mutter against my mug, “and going outside is something I don’t tend to do unless I really have to.”
“I’m going out on the bike in an hour or so, do you wanna come?” he asks, finishing off his drink and then chucking his mug noisily into the sink. I instantly jump at the sound, even though I knew it was coming.
“No thank you,” I reply.
“Ok then, Jessie,” he sighs and begins walking toward the door, but for some unknown reason, I feel the need to stop him.
“I didn’t change my name because of him,” I say quietly, with half of me hoping he won’t hear.
“No?” he responds once he’s turned to face me again, crossing his arms and tensing up all his muscles.
“It was to try and become someone else, someone new, someone stronger,” I explain while looking at the frayed edges of his rug. “My grandmother was one of the strongest women I had ever known. I thought I could become her, but I guess it didn’t work too well.”
“Strength comes in different forms, Jessie,” he says, making me look up at him. “Sometimes the biggest, broadest men are quivering little boys inside. Whereas that woman who has been beaten down so hard? The one who is so anxious about everything but manages to put on a brave face every day? She’s the strongest person you know. If your grandmother’s name gives you strength, then keep it.”
“Does ‘Phoenix’ give you strength?”
At first, he says nothing, just looks at me like I’ve said something completely alien to him. But then he glances at the wall behind me, for just a moment, right before bringing his eyes back to meet mine.
“Phoenix gives other people strength,” he finally replies, “doesn’t mean that’s who I really am though.”
“May I call you Warren then?” I all but whisper, though his looking back at the wall behind me, averting his gaze from mine, followed by a tight smile, tells me he heard well enough.
“If that brings you strength, Jessie,” he says, sounding sad for some reason, “then sure.”
Without another word or look my way, he turns and walks back through the door as though he’s trying to get out of here as fast as possible. I get the impression he is escaping before I can make him feel any more uncomfortable. I sigh because I’ve been making people feel that way ever since I returned home, back when I was seventeen. My parents especially. Though they try to hide it, it’s more than obvious, particularly to someone who has had to learn to read human behavior, to know when to keep quiet, when to answer, and when to hide.
When I’m able to shake this feeling of inadequacy aside, I find myself turning to look at the same wall he had been staring at, to see what had managed to give him just a little bit of strength to answer me just now. It’s a picture of who I assume are his parents, both of whom look young and very much in love. His father is staring at his mother, whereas she is staring right at me, with her arms flung around his neck. I get the impression they’re no longer around, and that the paid assassin, bad-ass biker with warrior tattoos and a nickname that is supposed to make him strong, is completely lost without them.
Chapter 7
Phoenix
Sometimes, this photograph of Mom and Dad holds me captive for longer than I want it to. After the fire, it was a source of comfort, a portal to happy memories of Mom just existing with me. You might think a paid killer would be rolling in ill-begotten funds, but we were never what you’d consider rich, not even close. Javier’s father soon became the president of their outfit after this photo was taken. He began to pay Dad more than he got before, but Mom died not long after, and Dad never worked for him again. I don’t suppose anyone else would have let him go that easily, but Emilio and he went way back. Not only did he let him go, but he also gave him a big payout so he could buy the bar. And I could breathe again. Even as a kid, I knew what happened that night was no accident; I knew we were targeted. So, Dad going straight-ish, was the only thing that stopped me from going crazy with grief and worry. Damaged, but not completely broken.
But today, with not even one of those people in the here and now with me, this photo only serves to remind me of everything I’ve lost. Even Lou. I’m happy for her, I really am, but it still hurts not being able to see her every day. I guess I was fated to end up alone. Perhaps I’m the one that’s cursed.
Before Dad died, when he still had some strength, he began to write a journal, a story of his life that he could leave for me and Lou. He knew she was desperate for more than he could give her when it came to talking about her mother. I thought I’d hidden my need too, but he gave it to me a week before he could no longer hold his pen and told me to read it whenever I was ready. It took us about two hours after his funeral for me and Lou to open it up and devour the contents, to see how their love story began.
Diesel
The day I saved your mother…
Charlie huffed through his bulbous nose as we pulled up outside the secluded bungalow that was on our list of next ‘jobs’. The fat fucker was sweating already, and it was only eleven. Could have been worse though, I could have been put with Ren who acted like an angry bitch for ninety percent of the day. Only his wife got to see the ten percent when he was anywhere near a normal human being. Dude got so pissed at me last time, he called me a ‘fucking liability’ and proceeded to rain down his fists into my face for a good ten minutes. Being the ‘apprentice’ I had to take it, but it’s being stored for when I’m no longer considered a kid amongst men.
“Ah shit,” Charlie growls in a voice that tells anyone that listens to him, he’s smoked three packs a day for the last ten years and is about as healthy as a tumor. “Guess these two are for the off, you know what that means don’t you?”
Yeah, Charlie’s gonna put two addicts out of their misery for not paying up and no doubt double-crossing someone much higher up. It means a damn mess and a thorough search for any hint of a witness though looking at the place, I can’t imagine anyone’s gonna be missing the inhabitants.
I get out of the car and walk to the front doorway before Charlie’s even managed to turn around and put his feet on the ground.