Page 35 of Phoenix
“Jess!” he calls out as he releases a heat deep inside of me, my name upon his lips leaving a smile upon mine. He laughs a little before dropping his forehead onto mine, our sweat mixing together and with neither one of us caring. Our natural human flaws only make me feel more alive than ever.
“You’re still inside of me,” I whisper when he seems to settle on top of me, taking comfort from my body, and almost getting ready to sleep. “You comfy there?”
He doesn’t say anything, just smiles and nods against me while stroking down my hair. I can’t help but laugh at him, not just because of his dopey smile, but also over the fact that this feels so wonderfully normal. This is everything I’ve been craving, even though I wasn’t aware of it.
“Jess, I’m sorry, baby,” he says as he looks up at me with concern floating back inside of his eyes.
“No, don’t do that, Warren,” I beg, “don’t go back to looking at me like I’m one of your victims who you need to save. And please, please, don’t apologize for what we just did, or any part of it. You have no—"
“Jess, Jess, stop talking,” he laughs as he places a finger to my lips, “I’m sorry cos I didn’t…I mean I forgot to…shit, Jess, I didn’t wear anything.”
“Oh,” I reply at the same time as he pulls out of me and reveals the physical evidence of what he’s just said. “Oh!”
“I’m totally safe and everything, but…” He winces as he draws back, as if unable to even utter the word ‘pregnancy’.
“It’s fine,” I tell him, suddenly feeling awkward, “I’ve had a shot for the…er…other thing.”
“You have?” he says, finally rolling off to the side of me. He looks and sounds confused but still pulls me against his chest as he begins to stroke my hair in soothing motions. I haven’t felt this loved or this cherished since Jake and I used to seek comforting hugs from one another in that grey, cold, and dark basement. This is different though; this is a choice.
“You want to know why,” I observe rather than question, “it wasn’t so I could sleep with people without falling pregnant. It just makes me feel safe.”
“I don’t understand,” he simply says before placing another kiss on top of my head.
“Has Jake told you what made us finally run? What made us finally fight back?” I ask and he flinches. He knows this won’t be good.
“No,” he whispers as he starts stroking my hair again and pulls me in even tighter.
“The man who took us, Daddy, decided it was my eighteenth birthday, so he made us have a party of sorts.” As I begin rehashing a painful memory, one that brings a hard lump to my throat, I begin to fidget with his fingers that are intertwined with my own. “I was still only seventeen, but we didn’t say anything. There would be no point and would likely only piss him off; Jake and I had already come to the obvious conclusion that this man was beyond crazy.”
“Yes, I can see how you came to that conclusion,” he says sarcastically, and I smile for but a moment.
“Anyway, he brought us takeout, a birthday cake, and a carefully wrapped birthday present,” I tell him like I’m reading from a journal. “It was small, soft, and weighed as if there wasn’t anything in it at all. Jake and I immediately looked at one another with a shared expression of fear; it could be anything.”
“You sure you wanna do this, Jess?” he asks. “Cos I’m more than here for you if you do, but at the same time, you don’t have to.”
“I know,” I whisper and fall into silence. It feels like my throat has dried up and I no longer have a voice with which to speak.
“Tell me when you’re ready, Jess,” he says after a while of me not saying anything at all, “but for now, sleep. I’ve got you.”
“Mmm,” I mumble against his chest; I suddenly feel exhaustion taking over me. “Just so you know, you do.”
“Do?” he whispers.
“Make me feel alive,” I utter, and he releases a small, breathy laugh before kissing me.
Chapter 15
Phoenix
Holy shit, I think the worst has happened; I’ve morphed into my Volvo driving, golf playing, family barbecues on the lawn while talking business, brother-in-law! I’ll have to throw out my T-shirts and jeans and replace them with buttons-downs, chinos, and V-neck sweaters. Trade in my bike for a hatchback from the local car dealer, set up a 401k, and bank accounts for my future children because my heart has broken out of its usual barriers to emotion beyond anger and is focusing solely on the woman who is still taking up residency inside of my room. The same room that hasn’t changed much since I was an angry teenager. There was little point, considering up until this now, I’ve pretty much remained an angry man.
However, when I look at Jess lying against the white cotton sheets of my bed, her black hair fanned out over the pillow, I can’t help sinking more into that role and conceding to the fact that she’s worth it. She’s more than worth it. She’s even worth the crap I’ll get off Lou when I admit I’ve fallen hook, line, and sinker. Jake might get a punch to the face if he tries it on, but I will make an effort to rein it in for Jess’ sake. He is her brother; I can admit that. The guy earned that right during all the years he took care of her.
“Morning,” her voice shocks me as I lie here trying not to stare at her.
“Hey,” I reply and shuffle down to take hold of her beautiful body, “you ok?”
“Mm,” she mumbles against my chest, “you?”