Page 40 of Phoenix
“Jesus!” I mutter through my teeth, feeling the fear radiating off her.
“Jake tried to argue that we were siblings, that it wouldn’t be right, but Robert wouldn’t listen to reason. In his head, he had decided that Jake, my brother as far as he had been concerned, was to now become my lover. I lost hold of my senses, and I began to shout and scream, telling him I wanted to do no such thing, that I didn’t want to have a baby. Jake tried to calm me down, but when I eventually began to see the blur of my panic attack, something hit the back of my head and I went out cold.”
“Robert?”
“Yes,” she verifies without any emotion in her voice or her eyes. “When I came to, I was back in that basement, lying on the bed with Jake holding my hand, looking full of concern, and with Robert watching on from the corner of the room.”
She pauses in her memory and snuggles against my chest, making herself fetal and unable to look me in the eye. I place my hand on top of her head and begin smoothing down her long, inky black hair.
“My nerves instantly returned but when I looked at Jake, his eyes were wide, and his expression told me to hold on; he had a plan.”
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Jessie (Niamh),17
Jake’s eyes implore me to keep it together, to play along, and to trust that he will save us from having to act out something that made me feel so dirty, so unnatural, I couldn’t bear to look at my own body. I manage to swallow back the scream that is resting inside of my throat and look away, as if signaling that I am ready. Even if I have no idea what it is I am getting ready for, I am trusting him with my life.
“Jake? Jake, is she ready?” Daddy asks with anticipation in his voice, a perverse sound that has me trembling even harder. Jake squeezes my hand one more time before turning away to face our jailor.
“Father, she is more than ready,” he says confidently, “though I may need some help to steady her nerves. Will you hold her wrists? To steady her so I can position myself?”
Bile is quickly climbing up my throat, threatening to erupt all over my heaving chest. Dizziness spreads over my head as I try hard not to doubt Jake. After six years of living together, supporting one another through everything, confiding all my fears, doubts, and sadness, this man is my brother as far as I am concerned. He wouldn’t betray me. I know he won’t.
“Good thinking, Jake. A girl’s first time is always a scary notion for her,” Daddy replies, as though he truly believes he is helping and not creeping me out beyond sanity. “I’m sure Jake will more than look after you, Niamh.”
It is almost impossible not to fight against his hands that are trying to grip hold of my wrists, especially when he is perched directly behind me. The whole feeling of being ritually offered to a man makes me want to claw out my own hair.
“Of course, I will, Father,” Jake begins to say as he walks over to the corner of the room, all the while starting to unbutton his shirt. “One moment, let me just get undressed.”
As he walks away out of sight, I cannot help but begin to release tears of fear and disgust. Jake is a beautiful man, and I have seen a few girls looking his way on the rare occasions we have been allowed to walk through the town. However, he is my brother, and this is not my choice. Choices have been taken away from me from the moment Tammy had forced me into that car.
“Just imagine, Niamh, a beautiful baby to love and complete our happy little family,” Daddy begins to coo inside my ear. I have to close my eyes to it if only to try and block out his voice. It’s a voice that will plague my nightmares forever more; how could it not? “This part might hurt to begin with but-“
The sound of something slamming against flesh, followed by the thump of Daddy’s body falling over me, forces a loud gasp to escape through my trembling lips. My wrists break free of his now limp hands, so I take the opportunity to jump away from him. As soon as I am up on my feet, I turn to see Daddy lying unconscious with blood dripping over his greasy hair. Standing behind him, with a loose brick in his right hand, is Jake. He looks shocked, almost conflicted; this man, however perverted and insane he is, has been his father his entire life.
“Jake?” I whisper slowly, prompting him to pull his eyes away from the unconscious man and direct them to me. He shakes away his guilt and uncertainty and replaces them with a look of determination.
“Ok?” he whispers, and I nod, even though I’m not ok. Not at all. “Good, now grab whatever, and let’s get the hell out of here!”
We scramble away as fast as we can, leaving everything behind and leaping up the stairs, two at a time. I am so hasty that I end up getting caught on the damaged wooden stairs and rip my skin open.
“Fuck!” I cry as the blood begins seeping out of the open wound.
“Shit, can you still run?” Jake stops and turns around to see to my wound, but I simply push him back toward the door, to freedom.
“Nothing will stop me from running,” I groan through my teeth, “just go; let’s go!”
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Phoenix, Present
“Jesus,” I mutter when it truly hits me just how much Jess and my cousin had to go through. Thank God Jake is the man he is and not the man he was brought up by. Speaking of which, “And he never got up again?”
“We didn’t hang around to find out. Jake grabbed the keys to the car, and we just drove…for hours. We didn’t talk, we didn’t stop, we just drove and drove. I passed out some time after the sun came up, and when I woke, we were sitting outside of a police station. Jake was just staring out the window, watching the cops beginning to filter in for the day.”
I take hold of her hand, forcing myself to snap out of my need to get as much factual information as possible. This is hard for her, I know, I’ve been there. In the first few days after the fire, I remember being so tired and so lost, I barely spoke. The only person I did speak to was Lou, my baby sister. I knew with her that whatever I said would be restricted to baby talk, happy and simple.
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