Page 47 of Phoenix
“Hey, it’s ok, we can try again next month,” I try to reassure her, only to hate myself for trying to end her pain with such a throwaway comment. “These things can take time, Mia, you know that.”
“It’s been eighteen months, Dee, it only took two months with Warren,” she grumbles, “why am I not working this time?”
“Don’t talk like that, baby, it’s not you, it’s just nature’s way.”
“I knew we shouldn’t have waited so long,” she says, getting to her feet, “but you had stuff going on and Warren wasn’t sleeping through the night. God, what if we can’t give him a sibling? You know we both wanted to give him what we didn’t have.”
“You have Ruth!” I laugh as I wrap my arms around her shoulders to try and stop her from stomping about the place.
“I know,” she replies, kissing my naked chest as she tries to try and calm herself down, “and I love her like a real sister; she’s my best friend. But I was already seventeen and practically broken when you rescued me.”
“I wouldn’t call what I did rescuing you, baby,” I utter with a guilty smile, “I was sent over to kill your parents.”
“They were not my parents, not even the woman who called herself my mother,” she says with resentment in her voice. “They were the assholes who stole everything from me.”
“I know, Mia, I know,” I whisper as I feel every muscle inside of her body tense up with anger. “What do you want to do? About getting pregnant, I mean.”
“I want to see someone, Diesel,” she says guiltily, but also with desperation in her voice, “just to check.”
“Ok, baby, whatever you want,” I tell her, even though I’ve always hated doctors, which Mia is more than aware of.
She turns to kiss me ever so gently before walking out to go and check on our son, our little boy, Warren. She’s still breathtaking and I thank my lucky stars I get to hold her tight and bring up our son together.
______
I sometimes consider the trip to the fertility doctor as the beginning of everything, our downfall, and therefore, my greatest regret. If we had never been to see that doctor, and never taken his advice to have a surrogate, Mia might still be alive today. She was so consumed with the need to have another baby that she didn’t think twice about asking Ruth to carry our child. Except it wouldn’t just be our child, it would be part Ruth. Mia was told her eggs were few and far between, or something more medical-sounding at least. It meant getting pregnant would be a shot in the dark. She was cut up about it for a few weeks or so, but after she had seemingly made her peace with it, she suggested Ruth to me with so much hope in her eyes, I couldn’t be the one to say no.
Ruth was hesitant at first, for who wouldn’t be? I couldn’t blame her as much as I couldn’t blame Mia for wanting it so badly. She said she wanted to discuss it with Clara before she made any kind of decision. Clara must have given her the green light to agree because she came to see us the very next day to say yes. She was knocked up within a year, Mia was over the moon, Warren was excited, and I was just happy that everyone else was happy. Besides, a new baby is always a blessing, especially when you’ve been faced with the possibility of not being able to have one.
The trouble started when Ruth met this strange new guy. He seemed to come on much too strong, and much too quickly if you ask me. He was creepy and always looking at me with what looked like rage. He knew about Ruth’s pregnancy and the fact that it was a child for Mia and me, but he didn’t seem to mind…at first. When she was five months gone, she began to say things that you just knew were coming from this guy. The way she spoke wasn’t natural to her usual way of talking. By six months, she told us that she had changed her mind, that she wanted to raise the child with this guy, Robert. As you can imagine, Mia was distraught, as was I. There was no consoling her and no reasoning with her. She became even closer to Warren, knowing that he was going to be her only child. They were practically glued together, which was sweet for the time being. I only worried that she wouldn’t ever let him grow, that she would unintentionally smother him.
When mine and Ruth’s baby was born, I feared the worst from Mia. Knowing the child that was going to be ours was now out in the world, a time when he should have been coming back to our house, was going to kill her.
“Mia, baby, you ok?” I ask cautiously as I walk into our bedroom after having put Warren to bed. I could hear her sniffing, so I knew she was crying. The sound was piercing right through my chest. I could never stand to hear her crying, not when she was seventeen, and certainly not now.
“Ah-ha,” she whimpers at the same time as she holds something out to the side of her. As I walk closer to see what it is, she turns to look at me with tears streaming down her cheeks and the widest smile I have seen on her in months. “I’m pregnant, Diesel!”
“Y-you’re pregnant?!” I gasp in complete shock. “Do you know how far along?”
“It’s early,” she says with a hint of concern, “so I’ll need to be really careful, but—"
“Holy shit, this is amazing!” I cry out as I take her inside of my arms and kiss her head with so much relief, I begin to release my own tears.
“It is,” she laughs with joy, “it so is!”
_____
Louisa Mia Flynn was born eight months later, safe, healthy, and oh so beautiful. Alas, several months later, Ruth fell prey to cancer. It was a fast killer, leaving my little boy, Jake, motherless in less than a year. Robert had taken him as his own, and even had his name on Jake’s birth certificate. However, from the stories I was hearing from Clara, I knew I couldn’t just give up on him. He was my son and I owed it to him to try and fight Robert for custody. It would be hard but Mia and I both agreed it was the right thing to do, even if it meant Robert became my next hit.
Robert was served with papers and told not to leave the state. It placated me for the time being, knowing he couldn’t leave without police interception. I had to go out of town for a few days for a job, one that was paying too well for me to turn down. What I didn’t know at the time was that it was a job that couldn’t have ever paid enough.
I returned home just a few hours too late. By the time I crossed the town limits, Mia, my beautiful wife was already gone, and my son had had to endure what no little boy should ever have to.
____
To my son, Warren, I have a lot to be sorry for. You might think my keeping this from you as one of those many things, but I needed you to live for someone before you found out something that could destroy you. I know vengeance will be on your mind, but if you’ve found your very own Mia, please don’t make the same mistakes that I did. Make her more important than any of it; more important than me.
Jake is your brother and has had the hardest life already. I never got the chance to protect him, to give him the family he should have had, because Robert managed to escape. And I had to let him go, for both yours and Louisa’s sake. It hurts so badly to admit that I had to choose two of my children over another one. I don’t deserve his forgiveness, neither do I deserve yours or Louisa’s. But I still hope you might give it one day.