Page 37 of No Take Backs
Just like always, I tune out the actual details of their call and walk away to get out of Nia’s path as she starts to round the ambulance.
“Load up,” Gem calls out loudly as she barrels through the door that leads to the rest of the department.
Nia casts one last glance in my direction before she disappears around the other side of the rig, and what I see in her eyes shocks me to my core. There’s a flash of indecision there, a moment of hesitation that I’ve never seen in her before. It’s like she’s torn between her duty and whatever it is she’s feeling, and the fact that I might be the cause of that uncertainty makes my heart clench. I’ve always admired her strength, her ability to make quick, confident decisions under pressure. But now, seeing that doubt in her eyes, knowing I might be the one who put it there, shakes me.
I stand there for a long time after they pull out, lights flashing and siren activated once they hit the main road. In fact, I’m staring at the road when Ryder finds me ten minutes later. The weight of the moment has been pressing down on me like a physical force, making it nearly impossible to think of anything else.
“You gonna get any sleep?” He yawns, scratching his neck and drawing my attention away from the empty road. “Or you just gonna stand there like an idiot?”
“Stand here,” I mumble, the words coming out heavy, like they’re weighed down by the uncertainty swirling inside me. “I’m just trying to figure out if I screwed this thing up before it even went anywhere.” It’s an admission I didn’t plan on making, but once it’s out, I feel a strange sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There’s so much I don’t know, so much I’m still trying to figure out when it comes to Nia. But one thing is clear and completely keeping me off-balance.
I don’t want to lose her.
Not now.
Not ever.
Ryder sighs, making a noncommittal sound. “Momma always says not to question if you screwed up. If your woman tells you that you did something, your best chance of survival is to listen to her and then fix whatever it is that you screwed up. But then again, my dad always says that he just humors my mom and lets her think that she’s right. So who knows?” He nods to the table set up along the wall where we play cards and sometimes eat. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” I admit. “But when has that ever stopped you from demanding I tell you what’s going on?”
Ryder laughs darkly. “All’s fair in the firehouse, man. When you’re in a pissy mood, we all have to deal with it.” He grabs the deck of cards and waves them back and forth for a second before he starts to shuffle them between his fingers. The rhythmic sound of the cards sliding against each other is oddly soothing, a reminder of the countless games we’ve played together over the years. Ryder’s not one to let things get too heavy, but he’s also not going to let me off the hook that easily.
“Rummy, then.” I watch his fingers manipulate the cards, and I think about Nia’s accusation. “She thinks I’m treating her like my property,” I admit, the confession heavy on my tongue. It’s not easy to say, to acknowledge that I’ve made her feel that way, but I know I need to get it out, to figure out where I went wrong. Ryder looks up from his cards, his expression unreadable, but there’s a hint of curiosity in his eyes, like he’s waiting to see where I’m going with this.
“Are you?” Ryder deals the cards, his eyes falling back to the table while he gives me time to consider the implications of what he’s asking.
“I don’t think so.” Picking up my hand, I organize the cards the way I like to have them in my hand. “I don’t know a single man out there who likes to hear his woman mention a threesome with another guy, even joking around. And then, tonight after that call, her ex was here just talking and laughing with her. I didn’t pee on her to mark my territory or anything like that. I’m not a kid.”
“No, you’re not,” Ryder agrees, discarding a card after picking up from the deck. His tone is matter of fact, and I know he’s not sugarcoating anything. “But you are a grown-ass man who knows that a woman like Nia’s gonna have a history. Whether it’s other men that she’s loved or people she jokes with. If you can’t handle that fact, you don’t deserve her, to be honest.” The words hit me hard, but there’s no malice in them. Just the blatant honesty that I’m used to from him.
Ryder’s always been the type to call it like he sees it, and right now, I know he’s speaking the truth. Nia’s past is part of who she is, part of what makes her the woman I fell for. And if I can’t accept that, he’s right. Maybe I’m not the right person for her.
Fuck that.
Nia’s mine.
Then without even looking up, he lays out his entire hand in one go, smiling like he’s just won the lottery. “Rummy.”
“Asshole,” I mutter under my breath, but I grab the cards and start shuffling while I think about his words.
“I don’t care about her past.” I finally settle for something simple and honest.
Ryder shrugs, his eyes piercing mine with a knowing look. “Then what’s it matter if she’s talking to Eddie? Or joking about a threesome with someone I’m assuming is one of your friends. She fits in and stands out at the same time. But she picked you for a reason.”
Dealing the cards, I stare at the abysmal hand I’ve started myself off with. “When the hell did you get so smart when it comes to women?”
Ryder snorts. “You kidding me? My little sister might be the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever met, but she makes sure I’m not gonna make the same idiotic mistakes that other men make. Even if it means I have to sit by and watch her get hurt because she can handle herself.”
I sense some tension there, but Ryder’s relationship with his sister is a sensitive topic. Not only that, but I’m hardly the person to give him shit about it. I haven’t even seen my parents or siblings since I started dating Nia.
Something I know I’ll have to fix if she doesn’t break up with me for being a jackass, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me.
“I screwed it up,” I tell him when our next hand is over.
“Yeah,” Ryder agrees without even knowing all the specifics. “But you’re in a new relationship. You’re both gonna screw up more than you’re gonna get it right. That’s half the fun of it, I assume. Maybe do something sweet for her to make it up to her.”
I put the last two cards in my hand down on the table and smile as Ryder groans at his loss of the current round.