Page 296 of By His Vow

Dumping my purse on the side table in the small hallway, I march straight past the compact kitchen and climb the stairs on exhausted legs.

I strip down to my t-shirt and panties and then crawl straight into bed.

Shivers rack my body and I curl into the tightest ball I can. The second I pull the covers over my head, plunging myself into darkness, I succumb to the devastation.

My sobs are loud, angry, and unstoppable, but I don’t try to stop them.

I need to let it all out. The pain, the fear, the loss.

These past few weeks, from the moment I got the call from Miles to tell me that Dad had died, have been exhausting.

I had no idea that I was holding everything together with a shoestring, but now that it’s snapped, I understand just how fragile my life has become. I was holding onto Kingston in the hope of him keeping me in one piece. But that was never his responsibility.

The only person who can help me deal with all of this is me. And I need to start trying to figure out how to do that so that I can plan my future—our future. It’s not just me I have to worry about now.

My hand moves to my abdomen and another loud sob erupts from my throat.

“Everything is going to be okay,” I whisper into the silence. “We’re going to be okay.” But even as the words leave my lips, knowing that we’re going to have to do it alone…I don’t believe them. And the last thing I want is to be the kind of parent who lets their child down before they’re even here.

75

TATUM

Time is meant to be a healer but as the days pass, the pain never recedes. In fact, it only gets worse. So does my guilt over keeping this secret. It grows and grows inside me and my concern over the fact I’ve done nothing but a pregnancy test to this point is building.

I thought time out here would help clear my head, but so far, I haven’t felt anything close to clarity.

Everything is just as big a mess as it was when I left Chicago, only now, I’m alone.

A couple of days ago, I finally replied to one of Lori’s emails. I couldn’t take it anymore; I needed to talk to someone.

After a few emails back and forth, I finally plucked up the courage to face her and we video-called on my computer.

I cried the entire time.

If I was hoping to convince her that everything was okay, then I failed massively.

I didn’t tell her the truth. I wanted to, but she can’t be the first person I tell. It has to be Kingston, no matter how painful that experience will be. Facing him will be heartbreaking. Confessing will be agonizing.

She put all my pain down to heartbreak, and she cried right along with me.

I managed to get a little more sleep that night. Unloading at least some of what I’m feeling on my best friend helped, even if only for a few hours.

I haven’t spoken to Miles yet, although I have replied to his emails. They were becoming more and more frantic with worry. He already has enough on his plate; I don’t need to be added to his stress. Just another thing to feel guilty about.

I’m fucking everything up.

My life, obviously, has gone to hell in a handbasket, but I’m dragging those I love right along with me, and I hate it.

I just want everyone to be happy.

The only one who seems to be rolling with the punches is Kingston.

Lori hasn’t seen him; Miles hasn’t so much as mentioned his name. So I guess his life is business as usual, as if I never existed.

Finally, the cold spell that was holding part of the country in its clutches seems to have passed, leaving behind beautiful warm spring days that are full of hope for the future.

With a cup of decaf tea in hand and a bag of fresh pastries I picked up on my morning walk, I take myself out to the small courtyard-style garden. It sits at the side of my rental, allowing me to see both the street and the fields behind. Lowering myself into the swing chair that I’ve moved so it’s in the sun, I let out a sigh of contentment as I relax.