Page 20 of Flogging Faith
Taking a shaky breath, Faith tried to explain. “I’ve known her for twenty-four hours, maybe less. How can I possibly feel this comfortable with her already? What if that’s just my ADHD part of my AuDHD getting all excited? That I’m not actually into her, and this is just dopamine because someone is showing me some attention for the first time. Or maybe the sex and the kink are so great that I’m ignoring any issues.” She could hear her voice getting a little higher pitched panicky. “I don’t know what I’m doing, Mandi. And my biggest fear is that all these anxieties will sabotage this before it even starts.”
Mandi looked very serious. “Our brains are different from other people’s, and I can see how that might make you worried about how that might impact the way you view this… relationship?”
The word relationship felt like a clang. It wasn’t fair. Faith had been so excited about the prospect of spending the day with Bex, and now she was all shaky nerves. The in-breath she took was jagged, and she closed her eyes and focused on trying to self-regulate so she didn’t slip into a panic attack.
“Hey.” Mandi sounded sympathetic. “I get it, I really do. Especially as someone who has been in a relationship with someone whose red flags I did ignore—not Mommy Amelia, obviously. But it’s very easy to elevate nice actions into wonderful actions after moments like that. So here’s what I’m going to say to you: this day-date plan sounds lovely, but it’s the minimum of what you should expect. So go, have a great time, but remember this is what you should be getting on the regular—someone who considers you.”
“Someone who considers me.” That was a way of thinking about it that hadn’t occurred to Faith before. “So I should go today?”
“If you want to, absolutely. All you can do is listen to your gut and try not to let the brain snakes hiss in your ear and freak you out. And if you’re unsure, you can always chat to me or Amelia about it.”
“That’d be amazing, thank you,” said Faith.
“And remember that Rawhide does extensive background checks on people, so that’s an extra layer of protection. Security guards are all over the site, and you can always go and ask any of the staff for help if you need it. We’re a friendly bunch.”
As she walked down to join Bex in reception for their date day at midday, Faith ran through everything Mandi had said. It was difficult, not having a model from which she could base her interactions. She couldn’t even use her parents as she’d never known her mom, and her dad had never remarried. He, much like Faith, had spent his life dedicated to his art, and so didn’t prioritize time with other people. Even his relationship with Faith had been based around the creation of art.
It meant she’d gotten so used to being on her own, hyper independent, that even her friends were held at a slight distance. She never felt like she knew anyone well enough to let down her walls, in case she messed up, and it was only now that Faith was truly realizing how much that had held her up.
By the time she reached the lobby, she was feeling slightly panicky, and Bex took one look at her face and drew her over to one of the seating areas and sat her down. She’d changed into khakis and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up that at any other moment would have flustered Faith, but right now she was just focusing on breathing.
“What’s going on, pickle?” asked Bex, and it was the pet name that pulled Faith back from the brink and made her calm down slightly.
“I’m really worried,” she said, the words coming out in a jumbled mess. “That I’m not going to be very good at this. I’ve never had a proper relationship before, and you’re just… well… you’re just the best thing ever, and I’m terrified I’m going to fuck it up before we’ve even started.”
Bex sighed and leaned back on the couch.
Fuck. She’d fucked it all up already. Faith’s eyes burned and she fought not to cry.
“I’m terrified too.”
“Wait, what?”
Bex ran her hand through her hair, ruffling it up. “I’ve slept with plenty of people, but my relationships have never lasted very long, or been particular successes. It’s not that I’m bad at it, I’ve just never been particularly good at it.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.” She even looked relieved, as if it had been stressing her out too. “I have no idea what I’m doing, so I’ve gone for a classic. It’s summer, the weather’s nice, there’s a lake over by the Big House, so I thought we’d go have a picnic. That way we can hang out, chat, and get to know each other better. I didn’t think there’d be any way I could fuck up a picnic. Especially as I got the kitchen to make one up, so I didn’t accidentally give you food poisoning.”
Faith blinked. “Have we both been panicking?”
“Are you kidding? I’ve been in a state of gay panic ever since we met.”
That was a little reassuring. Faith started laughing. “Why are we like this?”
“I think it’s one of the things they dole out alongside the gayness,” said Bex. “Look, why don’t we agree that if we’re having a proper panic over something, we’ll tell each other? That way we can stave off any panic at the root.”
“Okay,” said Faith. “Let’s try that. Now, you said something about a picnic?”
CHAPTER 14
They’d taken one of the golf carts over to the large lake, and there was a boat tied up there, with a note saying For Bex and Faith.
Bex pointed across the lake where a picnic blanket had been set up beneath the shade of a large tree. “I think that’s our picnic.”
“Cool!” Faith seemed like she’d gotten back to her bubbly self. The two of them wobbled as they got into the boat. The toe of Bex’s shoe caught on the seat in the bow and her arms windmilled wildly. Bex tried to ignore the fact that Faith was looking on in horror as she fought against either capsizing the boat or tumbling into the water. It was a very close call, but finally Bex sat down solidly on the stern seat and took a huge breath.
“Fucking hell. Okay, so lunch is over the other side of the lake. Now, our mission, should you wish to accept it, is to get there.”