Page 120 of Promised Love

“How are you doing?” Mom asks me as I flip through the emails from the past. They have almost become my obsession these days. “You look pale, tums.”

“I’m okay, Mom. It was a huge wedding, so I’m bound to be a little pale.”

Mom places three dinner plates onto the table. “I can’t believe we hosted a celebrity wedding that went so perfectly. I’m so proud of you.”

“Me too.” Dad walks inside through the main door, carrying a plate of grilled veggies.

“Why are we bringing in food from outside?” I ask after digging my fork into a grilled potato wedge.

“Since Lukas showed him, Dad has become a fan of grilling,” Mom says and then they both abruptly stop arranging the table and look at each other.

“You can say his name in front of me.” I slide onto a chair.

My parents follow suit but still don’t say anything until Dad clears his throat. “What has happened between you two? Is Lukas gone for work? Or…”

I take a deep breath and glance at my parents. “He gave me divorce papers.”

Dad’s lips purse together while Mom’s face pales as she says, “But I thought… You both…”

I hold her shaking hands in mine. “You were right, Mom. I love him. I love him a lot.”

“But he doesn’t love you back?” Mom gets up and paces the floor. Her hands run over her arms. “This is all our fault. First the marriage, then not getting a divorce. We let it go for too long.”

“Mom, please calm down,” I whisper, because her hurried steps going back and forth are increasing my headache.

“Laura, come here.” Dad grabs Mom’s shoulder and leads her back to a chair. He then takes a seat between us and adds, “Let’s hear what Autumn has to say, okay?”

I give him a small smile, thanking him for understanding that I can’t take Mom’s panic and worry right now.

When he places one hand over mine and one over Mom’s, my heart squeezes. Lukas never got to see this side of a family. Of course he’s scared to let anyone near him.

“I think he does love me, but he’s scared,” I whisper.

My parents don’t say anything, and when I look at Dad, there’s a sad smile on his face. “Sometimes when we don’t get what we want so badly in life, we start lying to ourselves, tums. But that doesn’t change the truth.”

My heart slows a fraction of a beat. Is this how it looks to my parents? Is this what’s really happening?

I close my eyes, and memories of Lukas flood my brain. In his apartment, showing me the letters he’s kept safe. The raw emotion on his face when he told me about his father.

No, I’m not being delusional.

I squeeze my father’s hand. “I know. But I’m not wrong here, Dad. He’s scared of getting closer to me. He’s scared of the intimacy a relationship brings because no one he loved stayed. Lukas has always been a misfit trying to find his place. He’s scared of the day when I’ll hate him because of someone else’s wrongdoings.”

I tell my parents about Lukas’ childhood, knowing well they’d never judge him for his father’s actions. I also know it’s important for Lukas to see that the guilt he’s been holding for so long isn’t valid.

He’s a victim, not the culprit.

“Oh my God!” Mom gasps when I tell her the day his mom died, Lukas was in the hospital. There are tears in her eyes, and Dad has muttered more than a few swear words, something he rarely does in front of me.

“And he thinks because of…his father, he isn’t good for you?” Mom asks incredulously, and I understand her surprise.

“As much as it hurts to think about what Lukas went through as a child, it has understandably affected how he thinks about himself, tums. That’s not easy to change.” Dad’s voice has the tone he often reserves for his patients.

“I told him I’d fight for our love, and I’ll do that, Dad. I’ll try until he believes there’s no person better for me than him.”

My parents look at me with uncertainty, and Mom is about to say something when I add, “I know this is right for me. I can feel it. I’m not saying this because I believe in the promise that brought us together. I don’t think I ever believed in that. But if it’s our elders’ blessing, I’ll take it. He’s it for me, Mom. Like Dad is for you. I know it.”

My mother’s mouth opens before she lets go of a deep sigh. “Sometimes I fail to see you as an adult. Maybe it’s my selfish worry that if you grow up, there won’t be a place for us in your life anymore.”