Page 112 of Beautiful Chaos

“What are you doing in here?” I questioned in a voice that even I didn’t recognize. Harper startled and dropped the journal onto the floor.

“I.I… I was just looking. The door was open. I was curious… I’m sorry. I can go.” She got up and walked towards the stairs. I reached out and grabbed her with way more force than I intended. I realized it was too hard when her face squinted, and a small hiss escaped her beautiful lips.

Fuck! I fucking hurt her.

“Did I hurt you?” I desperately wanted to hear her say no but my eyes were drawn to the red rings forming on her wrists. She shook her head, but I knew better by the look in her eyes. Her eyes were wide with something I never thought I’d be the cause of …Fear.

I was suddenly so angry, not angry that she was in here, but that I couldn’t control my rage enough to be gentle with her. I wanted her here. I asked her to come here to be a part of this fucking process with me. I had no right to react that way.

I stood there looking at her as she rubbed her already scarred wrist, afraid to look me in the eyes. My strong beautiful woman in front of me, her face ridden with fear, and having her fear me completely broke my heart. I felt the lump rising from my throat as I fought back fucking tears as she raced for the stairs.

“Stay, please don’t go. I don’t think I can do this alone.” My voice nearly betrayed me and exposed my emotion in it. I realized that after the way I acted, I didn’t have any grounds to ask anything from her. It was clear she didn’t owe me that favor, and honestly, I was prepared for her to turn me down.

I watched as she stopped fast and stood frozen. like she was contemplating. She turned to face me as the first tear fell.

Harper’s eyes softened and the fear was replaced with something else I didn’t fully understand. Concern.

She’s too good for me but I’m selfish enough not to care because I wanted her more than I wanted air.

Before I knew it Harper’s hands were cupping my face, her thumb was wiping away the only tear I allowed to escape. I have never cried in front of anyone before now. After my mother died, I vowed never to let anyone see me weak, not even my father.

He tried to break me. Mold me into the perfect little prodigy, with the hope that one day I’d take over his empire. He wanted to see me weak, but that’s not what this was. It wasn’t me showing weakness with Harper, it was me feeling like she was worthy enough to see me vulnerable. It was trust.

I reached up moving hair from her face and pushing it behind her ear. I looked into her eyes and saw understanding where I should have seen anger; She didn’t need me to explain or to beg for forgiveness because she understood.

“Harper,” I whispered. She nodded, then stood on her tiptoes and kissed me hard. She didn’t say it, but it was felt in every sense. Her heart was mine.

“What do you need from me?” she asked cautiously.

“Just be here with me. That’s all. Your soul comforts me.” I answered honestly.

We walked hand in hand towards the desk. When we got close enough, I pulled the chair back, gesturing for her to sit, but she hesitated. A breath later she sat down. The tiny moment of hesitation made me hate myself for a second time.

Hours passed as the light of day dimmed and was no longer shining through the only window of the attic. She sat there silently, as I organized and packed my mother’s entire life into boxes. Each journal contained parts of her. Each thought, word, and sporadic doodle was a part of who she was and the secrets she kept. I couldn’t bring myself to open any of them, I will one day and maybe then I’d know the truth.

Chapter 79

HARPER

Last night was not like the others. I just sat there, and watched, while he put his mom’s remaining keepsakes into boxes. He didn’t speak; Neither did I. I knew that wasn’t what he needed. He needed me to be his strength as he crumbled to pieces. He needed me to be there as he picked up all those pieces and put them back together. He didn’t need me to help him do it, he needed to feel my presence to encourage him to push forward. He needed closure, to say goodbye to what once was so that he could welcome what lies ahead.

He’ll never forget her and when he has children of his own, he’ll teach them all the things that she taught him, all her loving ways and morals, but he needed to close this chapter of his life.

Dinner was quiet but not uncomfortably so. We were both fine with eating in silence and accepting just the company of the other.

There were no words to share, no physical emotions to recognize. We were just simply present. I was aware of his pain, his trauma—trauma that haunted him. He had to address the issue, and I was supportive of it, he showed understanding towards mine every day.

After I finished my glass of wine I stood to clear our plates from the table, he reached up pulling me down to straddle him. I did so with no resistance. I wanted to touch him, to hold him. I wanted to take all that pain away from him, but even I couldn’t process this for him. He had to do it on his own.

I threw my arms over his shoulders and just stared at him, giving him complete control of what happened next. I placed his forehead against my chest and took a deep breath as I ran my fingers through his hair.

His shoulders began to rise and fall, and his soft sobs could be heard, slightly muffled as he was nestled against my chest.

I knew this wouldn’t be easy for him. It wouldn’t be easy for anybody in his place.

After a few minutes, the sobbing stopped, and he raised his head to look at me. He stared into my eyes as if he were looking for something. Like he was staring straight into my soul. I saw so much pain there.

“She would have liked you.” He said with a raspy voice. I stayed quiet letting him talk through his emotions.