Page 44 of Masquerade Mistake
Ethan.
He stands at a distance, but he’s looking right at me. My breath catches, and Brenda looks over her shoulder to see what’s caught my eye.
“I was thinking the same thing,” I say, and she turns back to me. “But I, uh.” I swallow hard, my attention still distracted. “Brenda, I really have to go to the bathroom.” I wince, realizing how stupid that sounds. “I mean, I can’t take Finn in there, he’s too old. And, uh…”
“Say no more,” she says. “Let me take Finn with us, and you can catch up with us once you’re done.” She looks over her shoulder again, before turning back to me with a small smile. “Take your time.”
I bite my lip, my face burning red. But she just laughs and ushers the kids away.
Chapter 18
Every bone in my body wants to close the space between Ethan and me, even as my brain reminds me that I broke things off with him for a reason. For Finn. I take the middle ground and stay where I am, letting Ethan be the one to come to me.
“Hi,” he says.
I breathe him in. God, why does he have to smell so good?
“Hi,” I say.
“Can we—”
“How did you—”
Ethan gives a light laugh, but I can sense the underlying tension. He motions for me to continue.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
“You said you were going to be here, and I figured it was the best way to get you to talk to me.” He ducks his head, rubbing the back of his neck before looking at me with sheepish eyes. “Now that I’m here, I realize how creepy this probably is.”
“It’s not creepy,” I say. And it’s not. The truth is, I’m glad he’s here. It never even crossed my mind that he’d come to find me. Then again, I’d never had anyone fight for me before—if that’s what he’s doing, that is. “Why, though? You don’t owe me anything, and I don’t owe you, either.”
“Owe me? Are we keeping score about something? Because if we are, I forfeit.”
“That’s not what I mean,” I say. “I don’t know what I mean. I guess I just felt like I was holding you back.”
“How? All I want is to be with you. You’re incredible, and if anyone is holding you back, it’s me.”
I look around us, realizing we’re having this huge conversation in the middle of a moving crowd. Then I scan the rides until I see Brenda with Finn and Brie. She nods at me, then waves me off, indicating that she’s fine with Finn. I turn back to Ethan.
“Let’s go sit out of the flow of traffic,” I say, then lead him to the picnic benches near the petting zoo. He sits across from me, his hands folded in front of him as he leans in. “I think we came into this not sure what to expect,” I say. “I haven’t dated anyone but you since Finn was born, and my experience with my mom wasn’t the best example about how that’s supposed to go. I came into this without a clue about how to juggle parenting and dating, and completely fearful that I’d do Finn wrong.”
“But you wouldn’t do that, Claire. You’re a great mom.”
“How would you know, though? You’ve never seen me with him,” I point out.
“True,” he says. “But I see how much you care about him when you’re not with him. I see how your home is dedicated to him, and it’s obviously a safe place for a kid to grow up. I know that you put him first, even willing to break things off with me so that you can focus on him. But Claire, I know that’s not what you want.”
“You don’t know anything about me,” I say, even as the tears spring to my eyes.
“I’d like to think I know some things about you,” he says carefully. He reaches toward me and his finger catches my tear, then he caresses the side of my face with his palm. I know I need to stay strong, but I can’t help leaning into his touch. “I know your heart and how you let it lead in everything you do. I know your brain and how insightful and brilliant you are. I know your soul thrives on creativity. I know you’re loyal to anyone in your inner circle, which is small but very dear to you. And I know I broke your trust after you let me into that circle when I cut off all communication.”
His words penetrate the small bit of stubbornness I’ve been holding on to, and I reach to his hand on my cheek. He grasps my hand, pulling it toward him as his thumb brushes my skin. “Please tell me what you wanted to say before.” I squeeze his hand, and he squeezes it back with a small smile.
He tells me everything Nina already told me about his dad’s other family, but I hear it from the boy who was rejected by his father.
“He chose them over us,” Ethan says. “I know I can’t take it personally, but it feels personal.” He laughs, shaking his head. “I have all these altered memories of what it was like before he left, like he was some devoted dad or something. But the truth is, he was a shitty father before too. He was always away for his job, or maybe with his other family. When he was around, he didn’t do anything with me. I was always in his way, or too loud, or too messy. Just too much, you know? So when he left, I had all these complicated feelings that I couldn’t name. But I’ve also had years to think about it. I realized that a lot of me was angry that he left, and part of me was sad that I’d never see him again. The worst feeling, though, was relief. And that made me feel terrible, like I wished him away or something. I didn’t know how to even talk about it, because what would that say about me? That I was glad I didn’t have a dad?” Ethan’s eyes tear up, and he releases my hand to brush away the moisture. “My mom struggled to keep things together. We had to accept handouts from my uncle, and I know that killed her to need anything from my dad’s brother. I was an angry kid, and I took a lot of it out on my mom. To her credit, she never got down hard on me about it. Uncle Steve did, though. He was kind of an asshole, but I think he was also trying to make up for his deadbeat brother.” He takes a deep breath in, then looks at me with red-rimmed eyes. “Sorry. This is a super long-winded way to talk about why I shut down last week. You didn’t deserve that. But I realized that if we were going to take things further, I needed to be able to talk about this with you, and I’ve never talked about this with anyone.”
“Not even a therapist?” I asked. He tilts his head, as if the answer is obvious.