Page 29 of Naked Coffee Guy

“No, it wasn’t. I want to hear everything, but not yet. Finn is coming home any minute, and we need to leave the house so you can give me every single dirty detail.”

I groan, but Claire is already out the door, informing Ethan he’s on dad duty while we enjoy a girl’s night out.

An hour later we’re sitting in Breakers, taking up space at a high-top while she sips a chocolate martini and I nurse a Diet Coke. Claire’s mouth is a permanent “O” as I describe everything that’s happened since Mac pushed me up against the alley wall outside Insomniacs to the moment I walked out of the hotel room. But I left out the control part, because well, Claire wouldn’t understand. Ethan is her one and only love, including sex. I hardly know what their sex life is like, nor do I want to. I can’t discuss mine with her either, and I’m not sure I want to see the level of shocked Claire would be if I talked about how dominant I usually am in the bedroom. So I can’t talk about last night’s role reversal without a lot of explaining.

“And he hasn’t called or texted?”

I shake my head. “Casual, remember? It would break the rules.”

“You’re already breaking the rules by telling me,” Claire points out. “So you should text him. if he responds right away, then you have your answer.”

I shoot a look at her. “Did you forget the part where I hate him?” Not to mention, he made it clear who was in charge here, and it wasn’t me.

Why was I agreeing to this? Oh yeah, because the man’s presence alone makes me breathless, let alone the way he fucks me.

“Did you forget the part where he gave you multiple orgasms in one night, and how that’s just a precursor to how things could be?”

I bark out a laugh. “Damn, Claire, you’re starting to sound like me.”

“And you’re starting to sound like me. Where did Maren go? Because my best friend would be at Naked Coffee Guy’s house right now, telling him to shut up and put out, regardless of some petty bullshit.”

Okay, so maybe Claire did understand my weird control kink.

“Being homeless isn’t petty, Claire.” I’m lucky it didn’t get that far, this time. I remember all too well what it was like to live in my car, worried I’d be found by some rapist or something. And while Sunset Bay has mild weather most of the year, it gets cold at night just like any place. When you’re skin and bones, nighttime feels like the worst.

“Maren, I know that, and I know you have experiences I’m grateful I’ve never had.” Claire holds my hand. She’s known me through everything. Of course she can see where my mind has gone. “But those were the old days, things are different now. You could have stayed with me, and you know that. While Nina’s not a golden ray of sunshine, at least she has a room you can rent. I know this isn’t your ideal situation, and you’ve had to give up a lot because of it, but what if all of this happened for a reason?”

This is so classic Claire, the eternal optimist. But it also reminds me of what Mac said that first day I met him, about enduring terrible things and choosing how to react to them.

My choice was to let that become my identity and remain angry, or to take what I’d learned from those years and change my present and future…I chose the latter, and it’s a choice I have to make every day to keep from letting the demons win.

I hold grudges, wearing them like they’re expensive jewelry. The day my parents turned their backs on me, I swore I’d never return. It was a protection of sorts, to keep me from feeling that vulnerable again.

Now I’m doing it with Mac. I know this. Yes, the choice he made affected me and dozens of others. I’ve done a lot of scrambling in the wake of losing my home.

But now I have a choice. Do I hold this against him forever, and let this taint our obvious connection? Or do I let it go and open myself to the full potential of what we could be?

“He doesn’t even know why I hate him.” I stare at my phone on the table, wishing it would light up with a text from him. I need to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

“Do you hate him?” Claire asks.

I look up, ready to answer yes, because of course I hate him. But I pause just long enough to doubt my feelings. I hate what happened. I hate that I now live in a tiny room in a messy house with the most flaky and thoughtless person I know.

I hate that Mac played a part in the reason I had to leave my apartment. But do I hate him?

“I don’t,” I admit. “I’m angry with him, but I don’t hate him. I can admit that maybe I shouldn’t even be angry with him because he was just doing his job and still has no idea that it affected me.” And even though it makes no sense at all, I get the feeling if I stop reminding myself that Mac is just a fuck, I could end up falling for him.

How would it feel to fall completely? To just trust that this is the Universe speaking, as Mac told me that first night. What if I let down my guard and made the first move toward something that looked nothing like casual?

I pick up my phone, hesitating for just a moment to look at Claire for moral support.

“Do it,” she dared.

With a grin, I unlock the phone and consider what to send. In the past, I would have just texted Hey, then wait for the guy to do all the talking. It was a way to keep the upper hand without revealing my cards. But now that I think about it, it wasn’t a power play at all. So right now, I’m going to go out on a limb and just say what I’m thinking, to shape the path we’re on, and to let him be the one to react.

I know we said we’d keep things casual. But Mac, nothing between us feels casual. I’d normally enter the day after without so much as a thought to the night before, but the other night was different. You’re different. I have not stopped thinking about you. Am I alone in this? Because I haven’t heard from you for two days, and I’m kind of freaking out. Which is why I have to tell you this, because if you’re not feeling the same, we need to call this off. I can’t risk falling any deeper than I already am.

I pause, re-reading what I wrote. Claire is over my shoulder, reading along.