Page 131 of Shadows of Perl
“I’m just glad you didn’t get hurt,” I say.
“That’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me in months.”
“The mission.”
“Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy it. It’s okay, Jordan. You didn’t do anything disloyal. If anything, you upheld the Order.”
“Respectfully, you’re wrong.”
The pressure inside me tremors. How do I lie here and pretend that I am not weak for her? I went with her tonight because I couldn’t fathom someone raising a hand to harm her. If any of those Draguns had overcome Quell, even if she were at fault, I can’t be sure I wouldn’t have wrapped my hands around their throats until the light went out of their eyes.
“Quell—”
“Yes?” She bites her bottom lip and pulls at the ends of her hair. When she catches me watching, she shoves her hand away, trying to hide her nervousness. But I can feel it shaking in my chest. I can feel mine, too.
I stare at her and take all of her in. The girl who destroyed me. Made a fool of me. Made me love her after I vowed to never love anyone again. And yet all I want to do is hold her once more, like I did on that beach.
And believe that I deserve to be as free as she is.
The admission unravels something tightly woven in me, unspooling everything I am. My stupidity gets the better of me, and I reach for her face, tracing the slope of her cheeks, the rise of her jaw, the delicateness of her neck. She turns into my touch, and it ruins me.
“Tonight, I went against everything I stand for. And yet, I would betray my vows a thousand times to never leave this moment.”
The brown of her eyes glimmers with determination, like it did the first time we met. I try to look away but can’t. Are we just forever destined to exist this way? On the opposite ends of possibility? At either end of a deadly blade?
“What are you thinking?”
I roll onto my back and glare at the ceiling. “That I wish I could be free. Free of worrying about the Order. The pressures of my position. Free of carrying the weight of magic on my shoulders. Free to be reckless. Free to make mistakes. To breathe the world in, Quell.”
“That makes two of us.”
I laugh. “You’re so free already.”
“Not nearly enough. I hate hiding.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t change who she is. And no matter what I want, I can’t change who I am either. She scoots closer to me and I stop breathing.
The word don’t hangs on my lips. “I am the most wretched person I know.”
“No.” Her fingers play on my chest. “I am.” She twists the chain at my throat and tugs hard, bringing me closer. I drown in the bronzed sands of her eyes and grab a fistful of blanket.
“I want to kiss you. But it would ruin everything.”
She touches my lips with delicate fingers, and tears well in my eyes. It’s more than a kiss: it’s a choice. A choice to forsake who I am for who I wish I could be. She leans forward, trembling. She stops before my mouth and I don’t breathe. The hollow of her throat begs for a kiss. We’ve never been this close. And the way she shakes, I’m sure she hasn’t ever been this close to anyone.
“Kiss me, Jordan.” She closes her eyes. I touch the tips of her diadem before taking her face gently in my hand, considering the weight of this decision. Her breath is warm on my palm. It sends bumps up my arms. I graze her lips with mine, and it feels like the first time. There were no other kisses before this one. No one other than her. No moment or decision that mattered more.
Her mouth melts into mine, and a shudder rushes through me.
I pull her closer, and she deepens the kiss, exploring my mouth. Our tongues tangle. Our breaths hitch. There is a dance made of our music. Every ounce that she gives of herself makes me want to give her that much more of me. She bites my lip, and I nibble at hers before we bury our mouths together again. Her body curls around mine, and I break the kiss and lift her off me. Her teeth pull at her swollen lips.
“What are we doing?”
“Choosing freedom.” She wrestles free of my hold, and our mouths crash together; the world reddens with passion. Her legs untangle from her covers and wrap around mine. My hand snakes up her back, to the base of her neck. She breathes my name, and I yearn with an ache to give her a reason to say my name again and again. Teach her secrets she’s never learned, far more rare and special than magic. She grinds her body on top of mine and passion jolts through me. So sharp, I have to come up for air. I swallow. She pants. But I reestablish a sliver of space between us, a force field repelling us from going any further. I have to remind myself to breathe.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, I just…this is moving fast.”