Page 76 of The Book Swap

“I fell in love with Derek. It was as simple as that. It’s no excuse, but your dad and I had been unhappy for years. He even admitted it himself in the end. And I’m so sorry for what happened as a result of that, but I’ll never be sorry that I met Derek. Never.” Her eyes cloud over. “I couldn’t stay, Erin. Not after what I put you all through. It wasn’t fair. Of course I wanted to take you both with me. I tried. I wanted more than anything to have you both home with me, but you didn’t want to come, and I couldn’t make you. I just had to hope that one day you’d forgive me.” She lets out a small laugh. “I didn’t realize it would take quite so long.”

I smile back. “It still might take some time,” I say, and pain fills my mum’s features. “But I’m trying,” I add, still thinking of James, and her face relaxes.

“Then that’ll do,” she says, picking up my hand and squeezing it.

Derek brings a tray in, carrying a teapot and two mugs.

“I’ve taken one up to Georgia. She’s fast asleep.”

“Thank you, my love,” Mum says, smiling up at him.

I nod toward the coffee table.

“I see you finished the book then, Mr. Carter—Derek. What did you think of it?”

He grins and picks it up. “I thought it was as close to perfect as a book can be. There was actually one paragraph that I wanted to talk to you about.”

He picks the book up off the table, the way he used to from his desk at school, and excitement starts to build within me the way it always did. I want to know which parts of the book he enjoyed. I always wanted to know. He licks his thumb and forefinger and flicks through the pages, bending it back at the spine.

“‘There isn’t a disconnection in the world that can’t be healed by forgiveness,’” he starts, quoting the moment where the protagonist realizes she needs to stop blaming her family for her mental health. It’s a poetic and beautiful piece of writing.

We lock eyes and laugh, the way we used to in class sometimes. I’d look at him and think about the joy he seemed to get from teaching. One day, I’d think. One day, I want a job like that.

28

JAMES

I can’t believe what just happened. Mum’s finally crashed beside me, asleep, with her head resting on my arm as I replay everything with Erin.

Maybe I was unfair on her. I took all my anger and frustration out on her. Everything that had happened after I called for the ambulance.

“What’s going on?” Mum had shouted, running down the stairs to see paramedics carrying Dad out on a stretcher.

Normally it’s Dad and I together deciding what’s going to be best for Mum. What information to tell her—and what to withhold. My heart felt torn in two. Half of me wanted to jump in the car and chase after Dad to the hospital. The other half needed to make sure Mum was looked after. I didn’t know how to do both things, when there was only one of me.

For the first time that I can ever remember, I called Elliot, asking for help.

“We’re coming,” he said, hanging up.

I didn’t know how much to tell Mum about Dad. My gran’s death is what triggered Mum’s worst depression. The one that had her bedridden for months. That was the year I saw Bonnie at the bus stop. Dad would know what to say. He always does.

“Elliot’s coming home, Mum,” was all I could think of, and her eyes lit up, the way I knew they would.

We drove to the hospital, the journey so familiar, and yet so different. This time, it was Mum beside me, not Bonnie. I kept looking over and expecting to see her there. She’d have been chatting away. She’d somehow have been able to make me laugh. To distract me with a story about her and Erin, or London, or her work.

Clutching the steering wheel, I tried to imagine what was happening to Dad in the back of that ambulance. All I knew is they’d be fighting to save his life.

“He’s going to be okay, Mum,” I said, but maybe that was just for me. “He was still conscious. The ambulance came quickly. I found him early.” I didn’t add that he couldn’t die. Not when I hadn’t told him that I was sorry.

“If he isn’t okay, it’ll be your fault,” Mum said, looking across at me, her eyes dark. It was the version of her which scared me the most. “You were harassing him.”

I kept my eyes on the road. Tightened my grip on the wheel, palms stinging from my fall down the tree.

“I wasn’t harassing him.” I indicated left onto the A36 and crossed over the River Avon. It was Bonnie’s favorite part of the drive.

“You were. You wouldn’t leave him alone. On and on you go, about his music career.”

“I just didn’t want him to miss out.”