Page 157 of Maybe You

I slump back, knees weak, golden sparks dancing in front of my eyes in the early morning sunshine.

And Sutton keeps kissing me.

THIRTY-THREE

I’m approaching all of it with deliberate caution.

Not even so much consciously. It’s more that since I’m not going to let Sutton let me go, I’ve sort of realized that the task is going to be much easier if I don’t rock the boat too much.

If I don’t tell him I love him out loud, for example. Let’s face it, each and every time I’ve done it so far has ended with him breaking up with me, so I figure it’s just better to lock that crap up altogether.

Same goes for calling him my boyfriend out loud.

It’s just easier if I don’t.

There are some other words that I’ve vetoed.

Relationship.

Future.

Dating.

Couple.

Things like that. It’s just as a precaution. I mean, by all accounts we are in one, we have one, we’re doing it, and we are one, so it’s not really that important to say those things out loud.

I don’t need the words.

Just Sutton.

Things mostly go back to normal.

Mostly.

I’m a bit more tentative.

A bit more careful.

But mostly, things are back to normal.

Sex, for example, is definitely back to normal. Sex is easy. It always has been with Sutton. We fall into bed easily and everything clicks right back into place.

Maybe a bit more careful there too though, because of the words I don’t say. But mostly, it’s the same.

I stay the night. And the next. And then all the others after that. There’s not much discussion around me staying. It just sort of happens. And when I tentatively float the idea of going home for the night, Sutton simply quirks his brow and takes off his clothes. Or takes off my clothes. Or tells me to take off my clothes.

“It’s getting serious?” Jordan asks one Friday when Sutt and I are having dinner with them.

I glance toward the living room, where Sutton is battling it out with Theo in front of the TV, controllers in hands, exchanging mild insults. Laughing.

I turn back toward Jordan.

“Serious is not the right word,” I say. “He makes me laugh so much I don’t think serious is the word that applies here.”

Jordan sends me a curious look. “What would you call it then?”

“Real,” I say softly. “I think it’s getting real.”