Page 252 of Allegiance

He glanced over.

“I wasn’t drugged the following morning when I did it all over again.”

And now she saw why he was also still suffering. He’d gotten his revenge, but he was still carrying that guilt.

“I was coming home to confess when I found them dead. I cheated on my wife, and then she dies because of me. I’m stuck in this loop.”

Jinx put her hand on his.

“We can help you. You just have to let us.”

“She was my wife, and I betrayed her. I took an oath of celibacy.”

And now she got it.

“Calyx.”

He laughed and rested his head on the cool countertop. He felt warm like he was burning up. It was the fire of rage burning in him.

“She looks like her,” he said, pulling out his wallet and pulling the last picture he had of him and his wife.

He showed her.

Remmy wasn’t exaggerating.

She did look like the barkeep.

“And you are attracted to her?”

He nodded.

“I don’t know if it’s because of her, my wife, or that I haven’t had sex in ten years. I don’t know which way is up, down, or anything else. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m a mess.”

She took his wallet and tucked the photo back into it where he kept it.

“You’re not going to heal unless you let us help you. I can give you advice, but you’re not going to like it. The words…they will piss you off, and that’s not my intention, Remmy, but like with Dakota, we see it from a different perspective.”

He hurt inside.

His heart ached.

“What are they?”

She turned his face, so he was staring into her eyes. She palmed his cheek to soothe him through the reality of it all.

“Sometimes, people aren’t meant to be the whole journey. Sometimes, they are the bridge. They get you to where you need to be. Maybe Karen and your daughter weren’t supposed to be yours forever. They were supposed to put you on a path that led to someone else.”

That ache was profound in his body.

“If you want to begin to heal, Remmy, you need to forgive yourself. You need to let them go, and that’s not going to be easy. Wherever they are right now, whether you believe in Heaven, or not, they are being pulled back here each time you punish yourself. Set them free so you can begin to heal.”

Tears filled his eyes.

“I hate myself for being tempted and cheating on my wife. I hate that they died instead of me. This is my life sentence.”

“You’ve been paroled,” she said. “You just have to decide when you want to start living again, Remmy.”

He put his hand over hers on his cheek.