Page 81 of Won't Back Down
“You don’t have to. Not ever again. I’m right here.” I stroked his back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Then and now. I didn’t know what I was asking of you, coming back here like this.”
We stood like that for a long time as the wind kicked up around us, a preview of the storm to come, until a voice called out.
“Not to break up whatever li’l moment y’all are having, but this rain’s about to cut loose, and I expect we ought to get back to clean up our stuff.”
Daniel.
He and the girls emerged from the trees.
“Any luck?” Bree called.
My shoulders slumped as I was forced to admit the truth. “Nothing. I think we’ve gotta call this a bust.”
CHAPTER 36
SAWYER
Back at Sutter House, our group sprawled around the den. I dropped onto one end of the sofa and hauled Willa into my lap, as much to comfort myself as her. I hadn’t anticipated how much I’d remember from that night, and I was still a little shaken by revisiting my own trauma.
The memory had been so clear. That bone-freezing terror of seeing her slip below the surface and not come back up. The burn of salt in my eyes and lungs as waves crashed over my head, stealing my breath. And still I’d used every shred of energy I’d had to dive again and again, even knowing too much time had passed. By the time my hand had brushed fabric, I was certain I’d be pulling back her corpse. I hadn’t been wrong. But neither had I been able to admit defeat. I hadn’t been able to let her go then, and I certainly wouldn’t start now.
I needed to feel her. To be absolutely certain she was here—warm and alive and mine. Had we been alone, I’d have taken her straight up to our room to affirm that in far more intimate ways but, given all our guests, I had to settle for this. For now.
Willa cuddled against me. Disappointment rolled off her in waves. I didn’t blame her. I knew how much strength and courage it had taken for her to face this. To get nothing out of it had to be a crushing blow. I hadn’t realized how much hope I’d put into getting some kind of answers tonight myself, so I’d know who the threat was and how best to protect her. For the moment, we were batting zero.
“I’m sorry to have wasted all y’all’s time. I really thought I’d get… something.”
Gabi sat forward in her chair. “Okay, maybe you didn’t remember things. Yet. But you also didn’t give in to a panic attack. That’s huge.”
Willa managed a wry smile. “That was certainly better than the alternative. So thank you for that.”
“Of course. How’s the headache?”
Her look to Gabi was sharp. “I didn’t say I had one.”
“You didn’t have to. Doctor, remember?” Gabi just arched a brow in question.
At length, Willa relaxed again. “It’s fading. Didn’t hit full-blown migraine territory. So that was better, too.”
“Don’t you be thinkin’ tonight was a waste just ’cause you didn’t latch onto nothin’ yet. Somethin’ could still shake loose in your dreams or when you least expect it.” Daniel crossed his legs at his ankles. “Be patient, cher. Those memories gonna come up when they good and ready and not before. You only just started really workin’ on it.”
“I hate the idea of that. I hate not knowing when something might trigger me. The whole point of tonight was to do this in a controlled fashion to avoid that.” When Gabi opened her mouth to speak, Willa cut her off. “I don’t want to be on any kind of medication all the time. I’ll admit this was… okay. But I’m not gonna take anything permanently unless I absolutely have to.”
“Okay, so the direct approach didn’t work. Let’s brainstorm,” Bree suggested. “What else can we try that allows you a little more control over the when and where?”
“Maybe looking through old diaries or journals from back then? Put yourself back in the headspace of when you were sixteen.”
“I don’t have any. I never went back to my parents’ house after Jace sprung me from the hospital. I walked away with literally nothing rather than risk falling under their control again.”
Nothing. She’d brought nothing at all. It was another piece I hadn’t quite put together. I don’t know what I’d thought. Maybe that Jace had gone back to retrieve her things before bringing her back to Hatterwick. Maybe that was part of why she clung so hard to the pieces of her past her grandparents had given back.
“I can probably lay hands on mine somewhere. I think they’re probably in a box in the attic at Caroline’s. If you want to read through them, I’ll see if I find them.”
Willa huffed a laugh. “So I can get the play-by-play of how you were crushing on… let me think. Who was it that year? Rand McFarland?”
Daniel straightened. “Who’s Rand McFarland?”
Gabi rolled her eyes. “He was my lab partner in chemistry. Total Peter Parker type. For about five minutes, I was convinced we were meant to be. I only realized later that he was flirting with me so I’d help him pass.”