Page 57 of Say You'll Stay
But as she shudders above me, my name a broken curse on her tongue as we tumble over the precipice together, reality seeps back in, casting its long shadows across our afterglow.
Rolling off me with a satisfied sigh, Cara pillows her head on my sweat-slick chest. I run my fingers through her tangled locks, brushing a reverent kiss against her temple.
“I love you, Caramia,” I murmur, the words slipping out unbidden. “No matter what happens, no matter what I’ve done…that will always be true.”
She stiffens almost imperceptibly, the post-coital haze evaporating like mist beneath the harsh light of day. Propping herself up on one elbow, she fixes me with a searching gaze, the vulnerability in her eyes a knife to my gut.
“Then why, June?” The question is a ragged whisper, barely audible above the erratic thundering of my pulse. “Why did you do it? The lies, the manipulation…stalking me?”
And there it is, the poison apple at the core of our fractured fairy tale. The truth she deserves, the confession I’ve been choking on for months.
I close my eyes, steeling myself against the revulsion, the betrayal I know will color her features. Drawing a shuddering breath, I force the words past the knot in my throat.
“Because I was afraid.” A broken admission, each syllable drenched in regret. “Afraid of losing you, of not being enough. Of being the kind of man my father was, the kind of man my mother wanted me to be.”
I open my eyes, meeting her gaze head on, refusing to shy away from the judgment, the disgust I know I deserve. “But in trying to hold onto you, to keep you safe…I became the very thing I feared. A monster, twisted by my own insecurities and poisonous upbringing.”
Tears spill down her cheeks, each one a glittering accusation. The sight rips into me, flaying me open and exposing every rotten, putrid piece of my soul.
“I’m sorry, Cara,” I rasp, my own vision blurring. “I’m so fucking sorry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I know I’ve broken us in ways that might never be mended.”
Reaching out with trembling fingers, I cup her cheek, half expecting her to flinch away. But she leans into the touch, a reflexive seek of comfort, even now.
“But I swear to you, on everything I hold dear…I will spend the rest of my days trying to be worthy of your love. Of your trust. Even if it takes a lifetime, even if you never look at me the same way again…I will never stop fighting to be the man you deserve.”
Her lip trembles, a fragile, crumpled thing. “I want to believe you, June. God, I want to. But how can I trust anything you say, after everything you’ve done?”
And that’s the crux of it, isn’t it? The poison I’ve allowed to seep into the very foundation of our love, eroding it from the inside out.
“You can’t,” I whisper, the admission brutally honest. “Not yet. Not until I prove it to you, with every action, every choice. Not until I become someone…something…worthy of your faith once more.”
Untangling myself from her reluctantly, I stand, harsh fluorescent light throwing my myriad sins into stark relief. Crossing the room with heavy, determined strides, I reach for the first instrument of my betrayal.
My hands shake as I reach for the first camera, nausea climbing up my throat. I have to do this. Have to slay these demons, purge this poison before it seeps out and taints Cara beyond salvation.
But even as I work, unhooking each instrument of violation with trembling fingers, regret rises like bile. What have I done? How can I possibly atone for this betrayal?
“June?”
Cara’s voice slices through my spiraling thoughts. Her eyes flicker from my face to the camera clenched in my white-knuckled grip. Horror dawns, a slow, sickening crawl.
“You…” She falters, realization settling like a stone. Confusion, disbelief, a maelstrom swirling across her features. Then, devastating in its finality, betrayal.
The camera slips from my hand, a resounding thud in the suffocating quiet. “Cara, let me explain—”
“Explain?” The word comes out strangled, raw. Her voice climbs, edged in hysteria. “Explain what, June? That you’ve been spying on me this whole time? That I can’t even trust my own home anymore?”
I reach for her, desperate to bridge this chasm rending open between us. She flinches back as if my touch burns. “Cara, please. I was trying to protect you, to keep you safe.”
She bares her teeth, a fractured, humorless sound tearing from her throat. “Safe? You put cameras in my home. You violated my privacy, my trust. You made me feel crazy for suspecting it.”
Tears spill down her face, saltwater trails carving through any composure. The sight is a blade between my ribs, knowing I’m the cause of her anguish.
“I’m sorry,” I rasp, the apology like shards of glass on my tongue. “I’m so fucking sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you did.” Her voice splinters, knees giving out as she sinks to the floor. “You destroyed us, June. You took something precious and twisted it into something ugly.”
My own tears fall free, each one an inadequate penance for the suffering I’ve wrought. I crouch down, aching to gather her in my arms even as I know I’ve forsaken any right.