Page 70 of Living with Fire
I wonder if that’s how he sounds every time he’s picked up the phone since I left.
The thought or the sound of his voice, I’m not sure which, sends me over the edge. One word. One word and I have a steady stream of tears running down my cheeks. All the nights I spent thinking about this. The days I longed to hear him. To hear his thoughts, his laughter, feel his joy.
I can’t help the soft sob that escapes, a tidal wave of homesickness washing over me. I need to pull it together so he doesn’t hang up, but my heart is clenched so tightly in my chest, my throat feels squeezed shut. Managing words seems an impossible feat.
“Savanna?” he whispers, his voice quiet, like he doesn’t dare dream it’s me.
A heart wrenching sob releases from deep within. I cover my mouth and pull the phone away from my face for just a second so he’s not more concerned than I’m sure he already is. I suck in the deepest breath I possibly can and let it out slowly before bringing the phone back to my ear.
“Hi dad,” I say, trying to sound as collected as I can muster but the wobble in my voice is apparent.
“Savanna. Oh god. My Savanna.” I hear the emotion in his voice, and I know he’s trying not to cry, but there’s a choking sound on the other end of the line as he loses his battle. “Savanna,” he repeats, “My Savanna.”
Nate was smart to bring me the tissues because I can’t stop crying. Listening to my dad is tearing my heart out, probably like his has been torn out over the last few months.
I hate that I’ve done this to him. I truly do. Even if I had the best intentions, I hate that he’s gone through this. I tried to explain as much as I could without going into serious detail in my letter to him, but I know it was little consolation.
Above the sound of my father’s sobs, I hear, “Dad? Dad, what’s wrong?” There’s a fumbling sound, and then I hear Connor, “Hello? Who is this?”
I choke back a new wave of emotion, forcing a deep breath into my lungs. “Hey bro.”
“Savvy? Holy shit.” A short pause. “Is it really you?”
“It’s me,” I tell him, the corners of my lips beginning to lift, though the tears don’t stop. Talking to Connor seems less emotional than listening to my father, who I can’t hear anymore. Either he’s walked away, or Connor has, but I’d bet it’s the former if I know my dad. “How you doing?”
“I’m not sure how to unpack that,” he says in a tone only reserved for a sibling. I can practically see him leaning back against the kitchen counter, casual and cool, one ankle crossed over the other, while having this conversation. “Should I start with I’m glad you called so I don’t need to go on a wild goose chase with Dev and Dad to the west coast looking for you? Or the fact that I’ve now seen my sister in her underwear?”
I wince, a deep frown replacing the smile. Obviously the video found its way to Colorado. I suppose I expected that, given the internet these days. All it would take is one person to recognize me and then tag my brothers, friends, or Vincent in it. “You saw that, huh?”
“I think everyone here has seen it,” he says with a frustrated sigh.
“Fuck.”
The tears have stopped, and I bring my fingers to the bridge of my nose and pinch, squeezing my eyes shut. I have zero doubt now that Vincent has seen it. That doesn’t mean he knows how to find me, though. Staying at Nate’s could be my saving grace. But I will need to be more careful.
I use my shoulder to hold the phone to my ear while I pick at my fingernails. They’re red and bleeding, and they’re going to hurt tomorrow. They hurt now. “How’s dad?”
Another frustrated sigh. “How do you think he is, Savvy? Fucking heartbroken, like the rest of us. You took off without a word or goodbye, and you haven’t even called.”
“I had my reasons, Con,” I say quietly, but I know I deserve every tongue lashing I get.
“Yeah. I know,” he bites the words out like he’s saying them through clenched teeth.
Grabbing the phone, I lift my head from my shoulder and frown. “You…know?”
“I made Maddie tell me what she knew. Why didn’t you tell me?” he snarls, and in my mind I can see the look on his face. Anger pulling his lips taut. The hard set of his jaw. The crease above and between his brow. “You could have come to me. I would have helped you. I would have gotten you out of there.”
“And then beaten Vincent until he was a bloody pulp?” I counter, trying to contain the sudden surge of anger that comes out of nowhere. “You don’t think I didn’t think of that? I ran every scenario through my head, Con, and this one made the most sense to me.”
“It would have been nice to be given the benefit of the doubt that I wouldn’t kill him. He’s still alive now, you know.”
The thing Connor doesn’t know is Maddie wasn’t aware of it all. She had no idea how bad it really was. I have no doubt if I’d told my brother certain parts, he would have gotten the entire story out of me. Connor is good at pulling information out of people. Especially me. If he knew everything that went on, I know he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from going after Vincent. Which is why I never told a soul, including Maddie.
Not until Nate.
I glance at the baseball diamond now, focusing on the bodies there, and it’s easy for me to find him. We’re across a large field from each other, but I can feel his eyes on me from here. My heart reaches out to him, wishing he were here to pull me in his arms and tell me it’s going to be okay.
“Do you know if he knows about the video?” I ask, my voice as quiet as it’s been since I got on the phone.